My borderline adult daughter has worn me out.

[Foolingmyself]

I have not posted in well over a year. My daughter who last time I was posting was pregnant and engaging in very harmful behavior had come back home to live. For about ten months after she had the baby we were doing okay and I thought the worst was behind us. A few days ago I noticed a change in her behavior, she was becoming irritable with the baby, wanted to go out and left her breastfed baby with me for eight hours. The baby was beside herself wanting her mother’s breast. Of course I told my daughter to come home. She got mad and kept the baby in her room for two days. My daughter’s other response to this was to abruptly wean the baby because “summers coming and I want to be able to go out”. The baby has been crying and is pulling her hair. She indicated to me that she planned on leaving the baby with me overnight in the future because she wanted to enjoy the summer. She also said that she expected the man she dated on Saturday to be calling her soon and that she wanted to be available. This morning started off okay but ended in the splitting episode to end all splitting episodes. She called several people to complain that I am a bad mother. It ended in her calling her grandfather to come and rescue her from me. Which he did. I’m at the point where I can’t keep dealing with her. I know she is sick but she is also horrible to me. The badmouthing today was horrific. I’m not going to be a pin cushion anymore. I think this is it. Let someone else step in. I’m exhausted.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

We're so sorry to hear this update, but also it's not that surprising.  Those who have people with BPD traits (pwBPD) in their lives - including their children - are often faced with the suddenly resurgent mood changes from moment to moment.

One positive is that your daughter did nurse her baby for nearly a year.  I recall that my ex - then a spouse - only promised to breastfeed for 6 months but continued for 14 months.  Human milk is such a wonderful food source for children that it's beneficial for as long as the mother can be convinced to continue.

Just a thought... Since it seems your daughter wants to go live her lifestyle again, maybe you could feed her daughter regular milk and other healthy juices when she decides to get antsy and decamp now and then?  Maybe I'm mistaken here but isn't some breastfeeding better than none?

It may be time to ponder what choices you have before you.  Apparently your daughter isn't receptive to the idea of long term therapy (DBT is highly recommended but requires commitment) so what can you do to focus on your granddaughter's welfare?  Has it reached the point where a court would agree you assume some level of protective custody?  Would others in your family support you or would they appease your daughter instead?

[Foolingmyself]

She took her daughter and left the house to go stay with another relative who she has convinced that I am being unfair. She is very persuasive and manipulative. Let them assume responsibility for her and the baby for now since they were so keen on listening to her. Everyone tires of her eventually. I’m the only dummy that keeps believing that she will get better.

[js friend]

Hi Foolingmyself.

I have a similar story.

My udd left her 2 small children with me for an overnight stay and didnt turn up again until 2 wks later.  She turned her phone off moments after she left my home and hadnt left details with anyone about where she had gone, even the gc daycare dint know anything, so I made a missing persons  police report, but they coudnt find her.

Turns out that she had gone to spend time with the new "love of her life"  and said it was all down to  miss communication on my part and that I was overeacting. Extended family actually believed her and belived  that I was blowing it out of all porportion. Easy to say and  very invalidating at the time as they only seemed to want to hear udd's side.

Opinions of many of these family members have since  changed as a quite a few who took her in  asked her to leave shortly afterwards because of her behaviour. Unless your relative has zero rules in her home I cant see how long she will be there especially if she is making plans as to live life as a single woman for the summer with this new man. I also think it is  important to try stay on good terms with this relative for gc's sake if udd decides to suddenly take off with him.

I can imagine how overwhelmed you feel but as you say you are exhausted. we all have our limits. Just know that you have done your best and it is time to put yourself first.

[Sancho]

Hi Foolingmyself
I just want to say that I can relate to your thinking very much. When DD first grabbed baby daughter and left I was so anxious - but, yes, of course it didn't last and back home for me to deal with. So these times were my breaks.

I think by that stage I really didn't care what anyone else thought about me. My DD was/is good at painting me as the villain, but that doesn't wash any more. When someone else was there to take up the reins, it was my time to breathe and restore myself.

Take any moment you can. From what you say, your DD is moving into a different phase with possible new relationship and you need space to consider all possibilities.