How to handle the disrespect

[Biscuits]

Ok so here's is the issue , this is our story. He was my best friend in high-school we talk about everything together and soon those crushes turned into love . We dated for 2 and half years but he often verbally attacked me caused me some ptsd he was always telling me everything was my fault that I couldn't talk to other guys or it was disrespectful to so honestly its something I learned that I was kinda of doing I would keep up long term relationships with other guys and other relationships taught me it wasnt really ok so i keep my interactions to a minimum when im with someone just out of respect for the person.
Anyway he left me after 2 years of torture, I was soo numb . I knew he was leaving me for her because I saw their interactions together and he was so excited about her .

He stayed with this women for 17 years and we reconnected ...I realized how much I missed him . Missed the connection and deep friendship we have. My husband and I have an open situation so we were able to talk and im allowed to date. I know tototal 180 right my husband and I are happy its just something we enjoy but we have a rule I can only have one other person so needless to say I chose my ex again. Which I usually never go back to an ex but he seemed changed and different this 17 year relationship had changed him. He was sorry for everything he'd done. He left that women and we decided to add him to our thing going on .he requested to be apart of it and through it we find out he has bpd.

I became a one women research team and started reading every book I got my hands on . I was sad because I feel like if I would have understood him when we were young he wouldnt have left in ther first place. Regardless  I wanted to understand,  now mind you I have major anxiety and panic disorder.  So im sensitive. 

I know he had a favorite person right now and its not me and im trying to deal with that.hes allowed to talk to whomever he pleases but there is one women at work whom he keeps talking about almost to the point of inappropriate amounts and it was making me uncomfortable. I asked him to please stop or just censor what he chooses to share with me about her. I realize this is his job and shes his boss so she will obviously come in conversation but it hurts alot because he seems to happy and giddy about her. I keep asking him to please just tone it down and to just mind what he says because it will trigger my anxiety.  Its the only time ive truly censored him.

He keeps getting aggressive about it . Now to note im speaking to no other men and no other man has left my lips out of respect. He keeps accusing me of severe jealousy threatening to quit his job . How im ruining the friendship we have . I keep telling him this behavior is hurting me . He said he would tone it done and has . It made me feel so much more comfortable and he would just talk about work situations with her and i was fine.

Last night we go out to dinner since we dont gwt to spend much time due to the terrible hours at his job abd he works hard and ive been sympathetic qnd I cater to basically his ever need. He begins to ask me to to be an " easier" girlfriend that he doesnt want to realky have to deal with my emotions when he comes home deal with my moods when hes home.which hurt alot then he states that he wishes he could talk freely about this women. I got angry at the table but calm and tried to explain my case foe the 5th time because I felt he just didnt get it to which he got angry in return to the point where he was crushing the bread and accusing me of ruining that part of our friendship and we will have nothing to talk about because she is at his job.

Note I dont care about work situations I care that hes talking about " sitting knee to knee with her in golf carts and how his eyes light up when he talks about the kind of coffee she likes." Its its just alittle disrespectful and it hurts alittle so i tried to set a boundary and he keeps trying to push it and verbally devalues and attacks me when I do. I just want this boundary to be met and for him to understand that and once I feel secure he really wont hear much else from me about it but he keeps pushing so it keeps making me insecure. Im just trying to understand how to deal with the disrespect and im trying to understand his side but if he said somthing was hurting him id do everything in my power not to do that..

Each time I try and set this boundary its a huge fight and a problem . Im at a loss .
Tbh its really hard for me to deal with the devaluation and constantly having to manage his emotions but he cant do this one thing..I feel disrespected and hurt and tired

Note : he agreed to this open relationship but the same rules apply to both Sides he can randomly do as he pleases but always come home and we remain priority but he is making this women seem like a threat to that priority..behavior changes constant talking about her, dropping everything to help her. I dont belive this is a romantic thing but im just asking to please respect the boundary I set and when he was it made me feel so much more secure and relaxed and i didnt worry and there was no more issue no more fights but he just keeps pushing it.

Idk what to do  I know its a complex situation but I wouldnt react this way if I didnt feel threatened.  Hes talked to other women in the past and it hasn't effected me except for his ex while they were breaking g up he pushing boundaries with it but they were more set for him so he could heal but its a mess.

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[Pook075]

Idk what to do  I know its a complex situation but I wouldnt react this way if I didnt feel threatened.  Hes talked to other women in the past and it hasn't effected me except for his ex while they were breaking g up he pushing boundaries with it but they were more set for him so he could heal but its a mess.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this position and the harm its caused you.  However, I don't feel like it's a complex situation at all.

He's responsible for himself.  You're responsible for you.  Those are two different things and you must think about them separately.

First, let's talk about him.  You entered a relationship where you're being unfaithful to your husband, so you gave him permission to be unfaithful as well.  For a BPD, that's a "best of both worlds" scenario because they get all the feel-good emotion and excitement without an ounce of actual comittment.  By definition, that's not a relationship...its an arrangement.

However, he's not abiding by the arrangement since it sounds like the "best of both worlds" isn't enough for him.  He wants even more, he wants full control and submission, which is more of an NPD trait.  BPD/NPD are on the same spectrum and often cross paths.  Maybe he's just trying to make you jealous.  Maybe he genuinely expects you to be excited about how much he's into his boss.  Either way, it's manipulation and it's cruel.

Now let's talk about you.  You're responsible for you and only you.  You're married to one man, and in an arrangement with the other.  You also mentioned that you're happy with your husband, but you made a statement that if you handled the past different, maybe you never would have broken up with the other guy.  There's a lot of confusion for me there, and I'm guessing there's a lot of confusion for you too.

Which relationship takes priority?  The one that you said was "good" or the one that brings "anxiety, jealousy, and disrespect"? 

It's essential for you to make a choice here.  Keep doing what you're doing until it all blows up spectacularly.  That's what the "best of both worlds" always brings in every circumstance- you can't find one instance in the history of the world where 4 or 5 people lived happily ever after in this circumstance.  It always breaks and everyone ends up hurt.

Or you can create healthy boundaries where you stop accepting the abusive behavior.  I think either path leads to the same outcome, unless you're willing to leave your husband and marry your long-lost love under these abusive circumstances.  But you also said that you're not even his favorite person right now, which is another cause for serious alarm.

Nobody here can tell you what to do, but I'd suggest you really think about which relationship should be your priority right now.  One is good, one is bad, and the bad one will always go in circular patterns like this because serious mental illness is at its core.  BPDs are terrified of someone leaving them, yet you're leaving him every time to go home to your husband.  That alone will keep him unstable and guarantee selfish behavior. 

[ForeverDad]

Disrespect is a serous matter, not to be discounted.  The problem is that you can't order respect.  If you're disrespected and the other has been made aware of your feelings, then it is up to you to decide whether to tolerate disrespect or reinforce your boundary requiring you be treated with respect if the contact is to be continued.

Sadly, reminiscing about youthful crushes is typical, yet it in no way means those old memories should be fostered and renewed... especially when there are real concerns about doing so.

[Biscuits]

Thank you both for your insight,  this is one of many struggles with his BPD its hard for me to know how to act I get alot of push and pull . We all live together so i spend alot of time with both of i can . Sometimes he loves me and I can see the hate other times . Hes not apologizing for splitting on me this time  which is odd but im just trying to deal i know its me thay needs the adjustment because I want to understand him and I try desperately  but when I get hurt its a physical reaction and im not good emotionally either.  Im struggling with my own depression and my anxiety  hes soo centrally focused on himself and his job I feel im dealing more with his npd then his bpd. Hes never been this neglectful of my feelings , maybe in a fight or a moment but never like this and im surprised by his behavior...but he does have traits of npd as well. Thank you so much for your feed back

[Notwendy]

We all live together so i spend alot of time with both of i can . Sometimes he loves me and I can see the hate other times .

but when I get hurt its a physical reaction and im not good emotionally either.  Im struggling with my own depression and my anxiety 

hes soo centrally focused on himself and his job

Just some ideas on this dynamic. While it seems your boyfriend is not respecting your wish to not discuss his interest in his person at work, consider why this feels hurtful to you. It feels hurtful because you have strong feelings for him. This is normal, it's human nature- and when we have strong feelings for someone and they don't reciprocate them- it feels hurtful.

He has feelings too- for someone else. We can't control anyone else's feelings. His feelings matter to him, just like yours matter to you. What you feel as disrespect, he feels as you wanting more from him than he is able to give you at this time. While what he said about needing you to be an "easier" girlfriend felt disrespectful, but it's also what he feels he needs.

When we are discounting our own needs, in order to meet someone else's, we can feel hurt, anxious, resentful. These are normal, human, feelings.

On monogamy- and I am not being judgmental or moralistic here- there are many reasons for this, and one of them is that when we have strong feelings for someone, it's an emotionally vulnerable situation. Monogamy helps us to be able to be vulnerable in a safer situation- when two people chose this- we worry less about them having feelings for someone else. It's not foolproof- nothing is, but it's safer emotionally.

Monogamy may seem repressive, restrictive- why not be free to love whoever you want, as long as everyone agrees on this? We can choose this but the consequence is a higher risk of feeling hurt, jealous, neglected, when the person we have feelings for also has feelings for someone else.

Think of it like driving. In which situation is someone the least likely to get hurt? When there are red, yellow, and green traffic lights and everyone is driving by the same rules or when there's only yellow and green lights? When you opened your relationships, you replaced the red light of "no other person" - with yellow ones. Yellow lights still have rules and agreements, like you have with your husband, but they aren't as absolute.

You and your husband seem to have a calmer relationship as you both agree on the same rules for being together. Your BF on the other hand, doesn't seem to be "driving" by the same rules completely. He wants an easier, less committed situation- and it feels hurtful. That's understandable but you want yellow lights and he wants green ones.

Whether or not your BF has BPD or NPD- this kind of situation feels hurtful to
you and raises your anxiety. This is normal- and this is one reason why people choose to be in an intimate relationship with people who agree on the same "rules"- however, you designed them. Some disagreements are negotiable- like what to eat for dinner, what movie to see, because the consequences of compromising don't leave us feeling hurt and anxious. This one does- so the choice is- stay with this person, and feel like you do- or decide this isn't something that works for you.

You can choose who to be vulnerable with. This one is hard, because the two of you have a connection from a very special time in your lives- school, best friends, but each of you is older and in another place in your lives now. You may always have sentimental feelings and genuinely care for this person, but being romantic with him caused you to feel emotional distress- then and now. You can always re-evaluate this situation.