Will my BPD soul mate return despite conflicts and blocking

[Fuelbyfire911]

I am in desperate need of advice and guidance and help with situation if possible. Recently myself and my fiance who has BPD have been arguing quite a bit. A few days ago she left me and had police remove me from our house we share with her 2yo daughter. That day she had blocked me on absolutely everything and deleted everything involving us. The next day I had tried reaching out and she had police tell me not to contact her. The next day when I was to retrieve my property from our residence with a constable I was advised thst she had filed a pfa on me with no reason given. While at residence to get property I had tge constable ask her if I could talk to her before pfa was picked up and given she agreed. We had talked about financial stuff and I expressed my love for her and wishes of her dropping pfa. At one point during this she had went to her car near where I was standing and I had asked her, "Do you still love me?" She explained that yes she does she never stopped loving me. She agreed that we could discuss everything at the courthouse in 2weeks when hearing for full pfa would be placed or dismissed. We exchanged a hug and I love you back to each other. Im questioning if she will truly come back in 2weeks at hearing and we can be ok and fix us. Recent weeks of fighting have been almost like she was a different person. Mean, violent, uncaring. Im willing to weather those days for the loving and affectionate fiancé. Since the day the pfa was filed she has sent me $1 cashapp requests everyday. Im.unsure if that is a way for her to reach out. I would rather she just upfront and text me. I truly want her back. I love her even the BPD parts. Will she come back?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to BPD Family.  It's sad that this conflict happened... and you're not even married yet.  We have a truism often quoted here:  The past is likely to predict the future.  In other words, regardless of how much you love her, what you've experienced - including the serious legal issues with the police and court already involved - she is likely to repeat that and even worse if the relationship continues... if things don't turn around soon.

Is she in meaningful and serious therapy for her disorder and behaviors?  And not just long-term therapy sessions but also diligent efforts to improve her perceptions, emotions and overall behavior?  A hard lesson we've learned is that hoping and dreaming for the future will likely end in eventual failure.  What really counts is determined effort and hard work, not promises.

A common report is that people with BPD traits (pwBPD) have extremes of negative traits such as Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting and more.  So they often sabotage themselves by avoiding meaningful therapy.

You're in the middle of a difficult relationship.  You too can benefit with therapy so you have have a balanced view of the issues and behavior patterns.  Best to get started on this before you get married.

We hope your choices and decisions now during this distressing time result in a positive future.

[hotchip]

Recent weeks of fighting have been almost like she was a different person. Mean, violent, uncaring. Im willing to weather those days for the loving and affectionate fiancé.

The 'loving and affectionate' fiance and the 'mean, violent and uncaring' stranger are the same person. Both these experiences are equally real and both have bearing on what you can expect if the relationship continues. The choice to send ambiguous and destabilising signals through Cashapp requests, rather than reaching out directly, also says something about this person's mental state and their willingness to confront and face problems at this time.

Do you think things are likely to get better under these circumstances?

Sending you care and strength from afar.

[Fuelbyfire911]

Since this post she has since gotten into a new relationship with a friend I had been concerned about just 15days after ending it with me. I will never understand how she ca. Hurt me this way. Will she ever return to me.

[ForeverDad]

Since this post she has since gotten into a new relationship with a friend I had been concerned about just 15 days after ending it with me. I will never understand how she can hurt me this way.

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are often known to jump quickly into new relationships.  I believe the description is called "object constancy".  Object constancy is the ability to retain a bond with another person.  Perhaps the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" might be another explanation.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder

Another aspect to consider could be that they have such a fear of abandonment that they sabotage themselves by abandoning others before they can be abandoned.

Will she ever return to me.

She might return, or she might not.  But if she's not in meaningful long term therapy and diligently applying it in her life and perceptions... then the past will be a predictor of the future.  Perhaps a better question is, Do you want to risk more police and court involvement, again?

[Under The Bridge]

Welcome to the site and so sorry to hear what you're going through. We understand totally because BPD runs like a pre-written script and all here have experienced exactly what you're going through; it's truly devastating to see someone change from the person you thought they were into a total uncaring stranger.

Since this post she has since gotten into a new relationship with a friend I had been concerned about just 15days after ending it with me. I will never understand how she ca. Hurt me this way. Will she ever return to me.

As has been previously said, this is standard behaviour for someone with BPD as they don't want to be alone and will rapidly jump - or 'monkey branch' as it's known - to others in their quest to find what they want emotionally. The problem is always that they never know what they want as their emotional needs change from one moment to the next; they're chasing the impossible.

The ony consolation is that she will inevitably treat her new partner the same way she's treated you. After the initial 'newness' wears off, she will see his flaws - whether real or imagined - and he will be treated exactly as you were. BPD is a repeating, self-destructve cycle which, without professional treatment and the willingness to follow it through, she will never be able to break.

As Foreverdad said 'the past is likely to predict the future' and this is 100% correct, as we've all found. She may well return in future - she seems to be keeping some communication going with you, but then BPD's will always try to keep people as options; a backup if all else fails, so be careful what you read into it.

The main question you need to ask yourself is 'Could I put up with this happening all the time, the constant cycle of love and hate?' 'Are the good times worth enduring the bad times?'The mental strain of a BPD relationship is definitely the worst I've ever been through and I'm sure most here would agree it's been their worst life experience too.

We're all with you, whatever you decide.