Fear i’m becoming my mom

[St. Dymphna]

Hi, very new to this. My counselor suggested an Al Anon group to meet with but I figure go straight to the source. I can’t do it anymore. It’s my mom and she’s just getting worse and worse. She’s destroying my dad, myself, even her. It’s so painful because she can’t even see what she’s done. It’s like i can’t even hate her for what she’s done because i know half of her doesn’t even remember it. I just don’t know what to do. I’m married, 22, living near home. I want to leave but the guilt draws me back every time. I feel like i can’t leave or else she’ll hurt herself. She’s not even letting me have a relationship with my dad, or my poor little sister living in the house. It’s the most disgusting accusations, a simple car ride with my dad turns into her accusing me of the most horrible things. and that’s my dad, he’s all i got, and i can’t even talk to him anymore. The worst part about all of this, even worse than the years of manipulation and delusions, is the fact that I see so much of her in myself. I’m working to fight it, I really am, but i’m terrified i’m becoming her, and that i’ll curse my children in the same way. I’m feeling hopeless, this is incredibly out of character for me to post on this site, hopefully i didn’t do anything wrong, i just need advice, direction, what the heck do i even do.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you feel increasingly distressed about your mom.  This is a safe space for you.  If you look around this site, you'll find some great resources, as well as insight into BPD dynamics.

I'm wondering, has your mom been diagnosed with BPD?  If she has, at least you know what you're dealing with.

Two words which stand out in your post are Guilt and Fear.  That's extremely common with posters here.  In fact, it's so common that we have a name for it:  operating in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  The pwBPD in our lives seem so manipulative and demanding, that we're walking on eggshells, as well as bending over backwards out of a combination of fear, obligation and guilt.  The thing is though, operating in a FOG can cloud our judgment.  We're so focussed on the feelings of the pwBPD, that we can start to feel alienated from our own lives.

My guess is that you're feeling traumatized by your mom, after years of demands, manipulation and abusive behavior, that you're starting to have a trauma response.  That means you're generally primed for fight or flight.  Does that sound about right?

I think there's some good news here.  At least you're out of the house.  That way, you can carve out plenty of time and space away from your disordered mom.  I know you're worried about your dad and sibling.  But here's the thing.  Except for your sibling, you are all adults.  Adults are responsible for themselves.  Your job is NOT to be their emotional caretaker.  Not anymore.  That stops today.

You deserve to focus on YOU.  You deserve to take care of YOU.  My advice to you is, if you are feeling stressed out and overwhelmed by you mom, and she's acting badly, then you need to put her in an adult time out.  You don't have to say this, just do it.  She needs time and space to calm down.  Give her a time out, and don't interrupt it!  If she's being mean and accusing you of ridiculous, horrible things, don't JADE (short for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain), because when you JADE, you're inadvertently giving your mom the attention she craves.  Instead, you quietly exit the scene and put her in a time out (just don't say it).  Only engage with her when she's treating you nicely.  If she texts you something horrible or makes an unreasonable demand, just delete the text like spam, because it is spam.

My guess is that your mom is trying to control you too much.  Is she upset about you spending time with your dad?  Is she furious that you're making a life for yourself?  Does she complain about every little thing you do?  I think that's classic BPD.  Underneath her general negativity and criticism is your mom's attempt to isolate you.  She doesn't want you to have a life, because she's jealous of you, and she wants your attention, full time.  Maybe she had your attention when you were a kid.  But you're not a kid anymore.  The more you pull away and start to have your own life, the more she acts out to reclaim you for herself.  If you understand what she's doing, maybe you'll not take her mean words so personally.  My advice?  Your mom can scream, insult, threaten violence and give you the silent treatment as much as she wants.  But you are going to live your life regardless.  You go ahead and do your job, see your friends, talk with your dad, move farther away, whatever.  She's going to have a hissy fit no matter what you do, so you might as well live your life, OK?  Trust me, you deserve to live your life.  You will regret it later if you do the ridiculous things your mom asks you to do.  The thing is, with untreated BPD, your mom does not have YOUR interests in mind, only her own.  Worse, her needs are infinite.  You could sacrifice everything--friends, relationships, money, time, your own health--and she'll still be upset.  So, don't sacrifice your life, OK?  And you call 911, whenever your mom is a threat to herself or others.  You are not trained to handle suicide threats, so you need to call the experts, every time.

In the meantime, you get busy.  At first, I think that looks like taking exquisite care of yourself.  You eat right.  You get good sleep.  You get some exercise.  You see your friends.  You focus on you job.  You take care of your living quarters.  You get some space from your mom so that you can start to feel "normal."  You deserve that.

If you're worried about your younger sibling, then I'd say, you linvite her over to spend time at your place from time to time.  That way, you give your sibling a break from the chaos.  And when you're together, don't talk about your mom, because she's too negative, and talking about her is plain depressing.  Talk about your lives, your friends, your hobbies, your future!

As for your mom not remembering half the things she's done, my opinion is that she remembers all of it, just as she remembers every little grievance and perceived slight from decades ago.  She's just pretending, because her feelings of guilt are overwhelming.  To cope, my guess is that she has created a narrative of being victimized all her life, which in her distorted thinking justifies her in acting out.  She thinks she "deserves" to punish others, to exact retribution for being wronged all the time.  That's why I think that the victim attitude is the worst part of BPD, because it "absolves" her of being responsible for herself and what she does.  Instead, she makes others responsible for her--namely YOU.  My message to you today is that you are NOT responsible for your mom, and you are not to blame for ruining her life, no matter how hard she tries to convince you otherwise.

[St. Dymphna]

Thank you. i am speechless. I’ve never had anybody spell out my life like that! She was diagnosed with DID as her “big” or main diagnosis first, however I believe she was diagnosed with BPD but never continued with the counselor that gave her that (she was not happy with that diagnosis). Her mother is a text book narcissist too, so it falls in line. I’m currently in school to get my MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling as well, does not make me an expert by any means but i’m familiar with the diagnosis.

You’re right about the remembering part. It’s a way to grieve it too, it’s easier to imagine your mom is two separate people than one. But you’re right. I hope by remembering that myself I can keep myself honest in my moments. I just don’t want to be that, ever.

You’re so right about all of this. I just don’t know how to stomach the guilt of walking away and being better for myself. I know I have to do it, it just feels like it’s going to take a life time to learn. Thank you for your kind words, I think i’m going to reread this everyday till it clicks

[Notwendy]

I could have written similar words. I was so afraid of turning into my BPD mother. However, I didn't turn out to act like her and neither will you- because you have the self awareness to work on the issues that happen when growing up in a dysfunctional family. Unfortunately your mother doesn't seem to have that.

However, I have asked counselors at times if they think I have BPD for my own reassurance, and they have reassured me that I do not. Yet, both parents are role models and it's understandable that we have learned behaviors from each of them and also survival skills when growing up in a family like this. Learned behaviors can be changed when someone has insight and is willing to work with a counselor. At 22, I had a lot to learn and that's OK- you are where you are at as well. You are not your mother.

You are in the right place to share your questions and situation with others who have been and are in similar situations. Also, as your counselor recommended Al Anon- that is also a helpful place. One idea to ask the counselor about is another similar 12 step group "Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families". A counselor also had recommended 12 step groups to me and I found this group to be helpful- either one can help but I liked this approach for me. They are similar in ways but since ACA delves into what it's like growing up with dysfunction, it was a good fit for me. These resources don't replace professional counseling- both this board and ACA are lay groups, but I found all of them to be helpful in different ways- (in addtion to the counseling which is important and is what you are doing).

[CC43]

. . . it’s easier to imagine your mom is two separate people than one.

OK, I'm not a psychologist, and I've never experienced DID.  But I can think of an alternative explanation:  your mom has different "personas" that she uses to her perceived advantage.  Maybe when she's with people she wants to impress, she adopts a "fake" persona--possibly someone who is nice, concerned about others, giving, engaging.  My guess is that this persona is mostly performative, to win other people's attention and/or approval.  But maintaining this persona is exhausting for your mom.  By the time she gets home, your mom adopts her "real" persona with the people closest to her--her family--with whom she can let her guard down.  She doesn't feel she has to win you over, after all.  Instead, she's focused on getting her family to over-function for her, cater to her whims, reassure her, do her chores, not leave her alone, always make her the center of attention, "prove" your devotion to her.  When she doesn't get what she wants, she lashes out.  She's constantly grumpy, irritable, critical, demanding, demeaning, controlling.  If you dare to defy her, then she really throws a tantrum until you relent.  She might project her internal dissatisfaction onto you, calling you a lazy, ugly, stupid, good-for-nothing, freeloading worthless piece of scum who will never amount to anything and would be better off dead.  She might say she wishes she never had you, and that you ruined her life.  That's all just projection, code for how she feels about herself.  But she says this sort of thing so often that you might doubt yourself and start to believe her.

Sometimes though, when she's under stress, she'll show her "real" persona to those external people she wants to impress.  Maybe she feels slighted by a friend.  She'll throw some sort of tantrum, completely surprising her friend, because the tantrum is unwarranted.  Afterwards, your mom will feel regret and shame.  She'll pretend she "forgot" the entire incident even happened.  That's just a ruse for avoiding responsibility and apologizing.  If she's called out for her bad behavior, she might throw another tantrum and completely flip the script, blaming the former friend for some sort of grievance.  It's mostly lies.  She will DARVO:  Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.  Internally, maybe she blames an "alternate personality" for this.  But I think this sort of thing sounds exactly like BPD.  PwBPD can't handle feelings of shame, and so internally they develop delusional thinking patterns and re-write history to make themselves out to be victims, instead of taking responsibility for offensive behavior.  They'll deny any wrongdoing, and if they are challenged, they might say they forgot, or straight up lie about what happened.  I might be off base here, but that's what I'm reading into your post.

Now, of course we all try to project our best selves to the external world.  I'll try to put on a happy face when I'm at work or at a party.  I'm not saying that this abnormal--I think we all do that to some extent, and when we get home, we tend to let our hair down and relax.  I just think that pwBPD take this normal behavior to an extreme.  The pwBPD in my life typically seems able to "pull herself together" to do whatever she wants to do.  But good grief, her emotions can flip wildly, over seemingly minor things.  One moment she seems happy, and the other, she's totally unhinged and flying off the handle.  It seems to me that she can control her emotions for a short time, but she's easily overwhelmed by ordinary life.  Many ordinary things seem too much for her, like she can't handle them.  Minor setbacks seem like the end of the world.  Minor stresses (a headcold, a flat tire, a parking ticket, an appointment) seem momentous to her, a reason to skip all other obligations for the day.   Minor disagreements seem like reason to launch WWIII.  She needs LOTS of downtime.  She seems to have no stamina, no grit, no resilience.  It's like ordinary life knocks her off her feet all the time, and she's constantly upset by that, because she feels tired, strained, incapable, overwhelmed.  She thinks the world is conspiring against her, and yet she does precious little to deal with her problems.  She'd rather rant and rot in bed.  Do I have that about right?

[Notwendy]

She’s destroying my dad, myself, even her.

She’s not even letting me have a relationship with my dad, or my poor little sister living in the house.

He’s all i got, and i can’t even talk to him anymore.

I want to discuss your Dad. "He's all I got" and I feel that for you. I felt that way too. For reference, I am older, a mother to adult children. My parents lived into their elder years, both are deceased now. However, for me, my father was "all I had" too.

My best memories with him was when we were doing things alone with Dad. At these times, he seemed more relaxed, and more himself. But like you, when BPD mother was around, her wishes prevailed. She didn't make accusations thankfully, but she didn't seem to like Dad's relationships with anyone else- me included.

My mother's issues were explainable. She had BPD. By comparison, my father seemed like the "normal" parent and I perceived him as a victim of BPD mother.

I mentioned that both parents are role models for us, and we have learned behaviors from both of them. What I didn't realize was that I had learned co-dependent behaviors from my father- and these were "normalized" in my family- desired behaviors- feeling overly responsible for other adults in the family. The behaviors we learn were functional in our FOO's- it's how we adapted to manage in our families, but they are not functional as adults. These are the behaviors that 12 steps groups like Al Anon and CODA examine and work on and I think this is why your counselor recommended them.

Once I could see my own co-dependent behaviors, I saw where my father also wasn't a victim- he was the co-dependent enabler in the relationship. I know it's hard to see the effect your mother has on him. It was hard for me to see this too. But your father is an adult, and he also has his part in this. You can still love the father you have,  but without feeling overly responsible for his choices to be in this relationship.

Read up on the Karpman triangle dynamics. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

My father was a strong rescuer for BPD mother who took on victim position.

Your father probably feels emotionally divided between the two of you- you and your mother, and for me, his response to this was to get me to back down - and comply with her to keep the peace. This also meant tolerating her behavior- but this isn't your responsibility. You can have your own life and family- and you should, but understanding this dynamic will help you to understand why it's so difficult to do so.

This is not a quick process. If you make big moves like saying something to them, your mother will react to your pulling away from your role in stablizing the family dynamics. Don't make a statement about it to them- go slowly- and begin to refocus on your own life. Be less emotionally reactive- these dynamics feel personal but they are not about you. It's the pattern your parents have. Take some time to learn more, attend counseling. This isn't about changing your parents- it's about becoming more "you". You can still care about your parents, love your family, but from a different perspective. Boundaries are internal.

Go slow, don't make this about them and don't rock the boat with them for now. Let them be- and you refocus on you. I was more naive about these dynamics and jumped in with boundaries but I wasn't ready for BPD mother's reactions. I don't regret having boundaries but - learning to be less emotionally reactive and in accordance with my own understanding may have been more helpful. FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)- takes some work to unravel. You are on the right path with learning about this.

[Methuen]

The worst part about all of this, even worse than the years of manipulation and delusions, is the fact that I see so much of her in myself. I’m working to fight it, I really am, but i’m terrified i’m becoming her, and that i’ll curse my children in the same way. I’m feeling hopeless, this is incredibly out of character for me to post on this site, hopefully i didn’t do anything wrong, i just need advice, direction, what the heck do i even do.

St Dymphna, welcome!  You are safe here.    You've come to a place where we all have someone like your mom in our life, so we "get it". You are not alone.

First, you are not your mom.  Just the fact that you have the insight to think about this shows how different you are from her.  Do you think your mom ever questions her own behavior?

One thing I learned on this board when I landed here some years ago, was that it was okay to think my own thoughts, and feel my own feelings.  They didn't have to (and shouldn't) mirror my mother's. When I look back on it now, it was strange that I didn't know that.  But my mother raised me to be emotionally enmeshed with her, and it took a long time to figure out how to untangle that.

Second, you are reflecting on this.  Your mom likely doesn't have the capacity to reflect.  While I'm no psychiatrist, my experience with my uBPD mom, reading a ton of books, doing my own research, and being on this board since 2018, makes me think it's quite uncommon for persons with BPD to "reflect".  Personally, I believe "reflection" is one of the key tools that can protect us from being like them. You appear to be reflecting.

I think almost all of us "nons" are "afraid" of being like our mom's.  To look at it another way, reflection is probably the very thing that protects us from becoming "mini-thems".  We desire to  NOT be like them, perhaps we catch ourselves sometimes, but then we take ACTION to do things differently.  Inotherwords, we grow.  This is key.  We work on ourselves.

I love it that you are 22.  I didn't reach the end of my rope with my mom until I was in my 50's.  Call me slow.  Call me easily manipulated.  Call me a caretaker. Call me foolish.  I actually have a lot of hope for you because you are onto this while you are still forming your adult values and developing your adult sense of self.  Good for you!

My counselor suggested an Al Anon group to meet with but I figure go straight to the source.

You are also clearly resourceful because you found us!  And you are a problem solver.  You are solutions based and looking for support to help navigate a complex problem. Your mom on the other hand is a problem maker by the sounds of it.

Does that help? Your mom likely wants to believe you are like her.  If this is the case, you don't have to believe it.  Does this fit?

It’s like i can’t even hate her for what she’s done because i know half of her doesn’t even remember it.

I want to address this because it's something that has come up on this board at other times over the years.  Many of us can relate.  It seems like they "pretend" that they don't remember.  This may be true.  It may be true sometimes.  But I also wonder if a person who is raging or otherwise under 100% control of their emotional brain and 0% of their rational brain may have distorted memories, or a bit of amnesia because of the mental state they were in.  I don't know. Or maybe, they just "deny" because they can't regulate their own deep shame, or reflect and learn from it to avoid repeating the behavior in the future. In the end, it might not matter why they don't remember it.  The important thing for us is to realize is this is who they are, and they are unlikely to change, and so...what do WE have to do or change or acknowledge ourselves to navigate this dysfunction?  One time when my mom was raging at me at her house, I picked up my shoes and walked out the front door, closed the door, and went to my car (didn't even take the time to put my shoes on).  She opened the door again and kept yelling at me across her driveway.  The point is I didn't try to reason with her, or defend myself, I took action, and left the abuse.  The best way to teach a person, is to let them learn through natural consequences.  She lost the audience that was giving her attention.  She lost the opportunity to vent.  She lost her daughter, and the ability to have a relationship that day.  Some people are so dysfunctional, we just have to learn new skills (eg unspoken boundaries) to navigate our lives with them.

You definitely did not do anything wrong by posting here.  Just like there's nothing wrong with joining an Al-Anon group, and there's nothing wrong with having a counsellor.  You are trying to solve a problem.  How can there be anything wrong with that? 

My question is: what makes you feel like there could be something wrong with that?  Where do you think that could be coming from?

Post as often as you like.  Take care

[Methuen]

To NW's point about learning about co-dependency which could be why your counsellor recommended Al-Anon, I also found a couple of books helpful, if you happen to be a reader.

Co-dependent No More - Melody Beattie

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist and Get on with Life - Margalis Fjelstad

All this co-dependency stuff can be quite eye opening, because until we have "awareness" through counselling, groups, reading etc we cannot recognize our role in it, or how to help ourselves.

This site also has a book club which you can click on to see comments people have made if you are interested.

[Notwendy]

St Dymphna, welcome!  You are safe here.    You've come to a place where we all have someone like your mom in our life, so we "get it".

I love it that you are 22.  I didn't reach the end of my rope with my mom until I was in my 50's.  Call me slow.  Call me easily manipulated.  Call me a caretaker. Call me foolish.  I actually have a lot of hope for you because you are onto this while you are still forming your adult values and developing your adult sense of self.  Good for you!
 

Me either- not till I was about 50. I knew something wasn’t ok with my mother but still believed I had some part in it - and if I could be more compliant, more helpful to her, maybe she’d see that and we’d be ok. I wanted to be a good daughter in my parents’ eyes.

But it was never in my power to change her thinking. This didn’t mean I should not treat her kindly or with disrespect - and I didn’t intentionally do that - but I couldn’t control how she perceived or interpreted how  I or anyone else behaved with her. I had to hold on to my own sense of reality with her.

At 22 - you are way ahead of where I was at that age with understanding the situation.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and you're not alone, we've all been through it as well.  In my case, it was my ex-wife and my daughter with BPD, but I also had a very angry mom that probably should have been disgnosed as well.  BPD is so much more common than people realize and it can be devestating.

One thing to keep in mind- this is not about you.  It never was.  Your mom is hurting internally and she needs an outlet to direct that suffering.  So it's your fault, your dad's fault, the dog's fault, the neighbor's fault.  Your mom does that because as long as it's something external causing her pain, then it's not her fault.  That's the crux of the mental illness.

So let me say this again- it's not your fault.  This isn't a "you thing".  It's extreme venting for someone who's psychologically ill.

However, you do have a part to play in this as well.

When your mom is lashing out (or unstable, disordered, whatever word we want to use here), you have a clear choice to make.  Do you fight back?  Do you defend yourself?  Or do you realize what's actually happening and respond appropriately?

For instance, I remember my mom would absolutely lose it if I was talking to my dad about her and I said the word "she" (Like, "I was cleaning my room and she just started screaming at me").  She'd rant for hours sometimes, "I'm not a she, I'm his mother and how dare he insult me like that...." 

And of course, I'd defend myself by explaining how English works.  It's not an insult or an attack, I was just referring to her in the 3rd person because she wasn't a part of the conversation and I didn't know she was listening.  I don't understand why she's being so over the top about this.

But to a disordered mind, they're lashing out for things that can't be seen.  My mom was thinking, "I'm in so much emotional pain and I need to vent my frustrations."  So the thought of my disagreeing with her when it's so obvious that she's not okay, it sent her into a tailspin of dark thoughts and emotions.

Again, we're talking about the word "she" here.

You could say I was right, my mom was being dumb, and I had every right to defend myself.  You're right.  But it was also the worst possible thing I could have done because my mom was disordered and my response made it 10x worse.  If I would have just apologized and let it go, the day wouldn't have been ruined.  I should have just said "sorry", made a mental note, and walked away.  Problem solved for everyone.

Of course, the big problem would never be solved by words.  We can't fix anyone.  But we can learn that when someone is in a disordered state, the one thing they need in that moment is to calm down and re-center.  That's it, regardless of what they might say or do.  Sometimes we can genuinely help and sometimes we have to walk away to keep things from getting worse.  There are also times we should keep our distance to break the cycle of abuse.  That's all part of the process learning to deal with a BPD loved one.

I'll say that in time, it does get easier.  Never easy, of course, but we learn how to weather the storms and communicate in a different way.  I'll repeat the two big takeaways- this is not your fault and your mom is abusive because she's hurting so deeply inside.  That deserves compassion when you can give it and distance when you can't.

I hope that helps!

[Notwendy]

If I would have just apologized and let it go, the day wouldn't have been ruined.  I should have just said "sorry", made a mental note, and walked away.  Problem solved for everyone.

Of course, the big problem would never be solved by words.  We can't fix anyone.  But we can learn that when someone is in a disordered state, the one thing they need in that moment is to calm down and re-center.  That's it, regardless of what they might say or do.  Sometimes we can genuinely help and sometimes we have to walk away to keep things from getting worse.  There are also times we should keep our distance to break the cycle of abuse.  That's all part of the process learning to deal with a BPD loved one.

I'll say that in time, it does get easier.  Never easy, of course, but we learn how to weather the storms and communicate in a different way.  I'll repeat the two big takeaways- this is not your fault and your mom is abusive because she's hurting so deeply inside.  That deserves compassion when you can give it and distance when you can't.

I hope that helps!

This perspective is useful from a mature adult perspective- when we ourselves have enough of our own self image that a ranting BPD parent has less ability to rattle. But from my own experience, this was expected of me at too early an age. Many children of BPD parents, are parentified young, expected to be their BPD parent's emotional caretaker, and made to feel responsible for their parent's emotions, long before they themselves are emotionally mature, and expected to tolerate abusive behavior.

We also face the assumption, as kids, and teen agers, that we are bringing this on ourselves by "talking back" to our BPD parent, arguing with them, and I think all teens do this at times - in a normal sense, but mostly we have learned to be compliant, walk on eggshells and increase our efforts to please a parent for whom we can never be "good enough". I learned very quickly that arguing with my BPD mother didn't work, and in fact, resulted in being punished. Instead, I became overly people pleasing and compliant with her, unable to say no, because, we kids weren't allowed to.

Eventually, I could see the larger picture of her disorder, the dynamics, change my own behavior in them, and see her through the lense of compassion, but not at 22, when 18 of them were being the child whose mother expected too much from a child, and being blamed, emotionally and verbally abused for her mother's disordered emotions.

Therapy, life experiences, and my own maturing could restore the broken pieces of these experiences but this takes time, and work, with a therapist, and establishing full independence. At 22, in some ways, I was more mature than my peers but in other ways, lacked self esteem and my own sense of self was uncertain, having grown up with my mother telling me her own distorted perceptions. I didn't have enough experience in the outside world to reframe them, and having my own invalidated. To be able to withstand her perceptions without reacting to them, I had to be secure in my own.

I don't speak from a position of blaming BPD mother, but in support of a young person starting to figure this out- and my own "younger self". For me, asking me to do better to calm her down would have reinforced my own sense of failure, shame, and low self esteem in a situation where even adults "weren't enough" for her. I didn't know that yet.

To the OP, I would say give yourself permission to have your own stable life, continue the counseling. You aren't your mother. You've already shown the insight and maturity to grow in a positive way.