Am I right!

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all,

So BDP. It’s something I don’t think you can prepare for in a partner. And something that is extremely difficult and emotionally draining to live with. I think I just need a virtual cuddle to say I did everything I could and I am doing this for the sake of me and my loved ones. And I’m sorry if this isn’t the place to do this.

So as of yesterday I met my partner at work. We kept it quiet because I didn’t feel like I wanted it to be advertised and at the time my partner was off work due to her MH. So if memory serves me right, we weren’t actually in a relationship whilst in the office together if that makes sense, as after her illness she went to a new workplace. I was dealing with issues around my children and their mother and this was the main course of our relationship ending then. At the time I had no idea What BDP was let alone knowing I was with someone who had it. I went away due to decline in my MH and we separated. After that I took time off work and disclosed that relationship and made it clear she did nothing wrong professional lot and it was agreed that we it would be treated sensibly and protect her professional integrity as much as possible.

Several months later she got back intouch. We sat down had a giant heart to heart and agreed many mistakes were made and to draw a line citing mistakes on both parts. Things started off fine, therapy she was having then identified BDP - which made sense given her outburst, irrational thoughts, complete reassurance constantly. I did research spoke to people and felt i understood and my actions reflected what she needed to hear regardless of it I agreed or not. But this is never enough is it? Feels like it’s more and more. Two weeks ago - she asked do I talk about her at work? I said given the issues before whilst people are aware of our relationship I keep it at arms lengths just for the extra protection. She took this bad - as bad as I see her and the essence of breaking up. I said to her that it’s valid to feel whatever you want but why is this randomly brought up? I do t and still do t get it! So we navigated this for a couple of weeks and yesterday it all came ahead. I went to her house to help with some chores. She went quiet all of a sudden (splitting) and it seemed okay and we walked the dog before I went home. I kissed her bye, said I love you so did she and left. I got back I asked if she was okay and the message I received was “the relationship is over”. Obviously that hurt. Her view is the whole work thing. If you know you know but it was completely irrational. She had it I. Her head ice ruined her a career. She has just started a new job with a decent salary and I am proud of her.

I know and still do think she doesn’t want this really. I said let’s talk, but it was a barrage of we are done we are over. When this happened last time I kept it quiet and it consumed me mainly because I didnr understand. But now I do, mostly. So I spoke to mum and she reminded what my own therapist said - respect boundaries. She doesn’t want to with you, then respect that. So I have- for the sake of the children mainly. As it will hurt as they are very fond of her.


I know this is an episode and will hopefully for her sake calm down in a few days. But I also know she will try to rekindle but I’ve said no - I just can’t. I can’t be told no no no no and beg for her to stay. I did that once and I hurt me so bad.


She loves me, I love her we told eachother that ealier. Am I a failure for not fixing her or doing better? And I a failure to my children for introducing them to her and now they will miss her on holidays we have! Am I a failure for not trying to revolve it and give one more chance when there been ample? And finally? Am I a failure full stop!


My heart aches but my conscious is clear I did everything I could to.

[CACBHAM]

Hey all,

So BDP. It’s something I don’t think you can prepare for in a partner. And something that is extremely difficult and emotionally draining to live with. I think I just need a virtual cuddle to say I did everything I could and I am doing this for the sake of me and my loved ones. And I’m sorry if this isn’t the place to do this.

So as of yesterday I met my partner at work. We kept it quiet because I didn’t feel like I wanted it to be advertised and at the time my partner was off work due to her MH. So if memory serves me right, we weren’t actually in a relationship whilst in the office together if that makes sense, as after her illness she went to a new workplace. I was dealing with issues around my children and their mother and this was the main course of our relationship ending then. At the time I had no idea What BDP was let alone knowing I was with someone who had it. I went away due to decline in my MH and we separated. After that I took time off work and disclosed that relationship and made it clear she did nothing wrong professional lot and it was agreed that we it would be treated sensibly and protect her professional integrity as much as possible.

Several months later she got back intouch. We sat down had a giant heart to heart and agreed many mistakes were made and to draw a line citing mistakes on both parts. Things started off fine, therapy she was having then identified BDP - which made sense given her outburst, irrational thoughts, complete reassurance constantly. I did research spoke to people and felt i understood and my actions reflected what she needed to hear regardless of it I agreed or not. But this is never enough is it? Feels like it’s more and more. Two weeks ago - she asked do I talk about her at work? I said given the issues before whilst people are aware of our relationship I keep it at arms lengths just for the extra protection. She took this bad - as bad as I see her and the essence of breaking up. I said to her that it’s valid to feel whatever you want but why is this randomly brought up? I do t and still do t get it! So we navigated this for a couple of weeks and yesterday it all came ahead. I went to her house to help with some chores. She went quiet all of a sudden (splitting) and it seemed okay and we walked the dog before I went home. I kissed her bye, said I love you so did she and left. I got back I asked if she was okay and the message I received was “the relationship is over”. Obviously that hurt. Her view is the whole work thing. If you know you know but it was completely irrational. She had it I. Her head ice ruined her a career. She has just started a new job with a decent salary and I am proud of her.

I know and still do think she doesn’t want this really. I said let’s talk, but it was a barrage of we are done we are over. When this happened last time I kept it quiet and it consumed me mainly because I didnr understand. But now I do, mostly. So I spoke to mum and she reminded what my own therapist said - respect boundaries. She doesn’t want to with you, then respect that. So I have- for the sake of the children mainly. As it will hurt as they are very fond of her.


I know this is an episode and will hopefully for her sake calm down in a few days. But I also know she will try to rekindle but I’ve said no - I just can’t. I can’t be told no no no no and beg for her to stay. I did that once and I hurt me so bad.


She loves me, I love her we told eachother that ealier. Am I a failure for not fixing her or doing better? And I a failure to my children for introducing them to her and now they will miss her on holidays we have! Am I a failure for not trying to revolve it and give one more chance when there been ample? And finally? Am I a failure full stop!


My heart aches but my conscious is clear I did everything I could to.

[Pook075]

Am I a failure for not fixing her or doing better?

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry that you're going through this and the same thing happened in my marriage.  One day, my wife simply said "I'm done" and there was nothing I could do about it.  I hate that it's so common in these relationships but there's a lot you can do to prevent that if you do decide to reconcile someday.

First, you're not a failure.  You can't fix anyone, much less someone with mental illness, so you have to let these types of thoughts go.  It is not your fault.

Second, it's not your fault for not doing better.  Were there things you could have done?  Sure.  But you're human and you messed up at times, just like all of us do.  Part of a relationship is forgiveness and meeting someone halfway, which doesn't happen in a lot of BPD relationships.  That's not your fault at all.

Third, the next place people usually go with their thoughts is, "Well, I should have known not to bring her into my mids lives."  You said something similar, but there's no truth to it.  At first, the relationship was wonderful because she loved everything you loved.  That was part of the mental illness as well, holding new partners on a pedestal and then being shocked when it turns out they're not perfect.  There's no way you could have known and none of this is directly your fault.

What's next?  This just happened and after a few days, she might come to her senses.  Then you have to have a serious discussion about the future and if it's "worth it."  Nobody here can give you that answer and we can't help you decide.  Every relationship is unique and even though you and I have so much in common, we can't walk in each other's shoes. 

I ultimately divorced because there was a lot more to the story and my wife left me to rush into another relationship.  I forgave her and could have reconciled, but she always would have had one foot out the door and that's not fair to anyone.  In my case, in those circumstances, it wasn't "worth it".  That doesn't mean you have the same story though.

What are you struggling the most with right now?  Have you considered counseling to talk some of this out?  How old are your kids?  Tell us a little more of the story when you can.

[CACBHAM]

Struggling with the fact I know it’s over because it has to be surely? But I know there is someone out there I love with all my heart I want to help. She wouldn’t accept that help. My conscious is clear I did everything I could to save us. Sure I made mistakes - but like you said I’m human.

It’s hard my mum has quoted her off her phone etc and I know that’s hurt my ex and took it badly. My mum doesn’t get BDP as it’s not my story to tell. But after the first time there were serious conversations. Where my ex apologised - yet she now homes stuff against me she apologised for.

Kids - there 5 and 8. They love her, and she is amazing with them. My eldest told her not long ago you are part of the family. It filled my heart. I always made it clear if I told kids it was over it has to be definitive it can’t be backwards and forwards - looks like conversation will happen later today, as the four of us were due to go away for a night on Thursday and ther will be questions of where she is.


In terms of me - I reached out to my therapist and going  to try and get something booked in for next week. Notting major just a chat and get stuff off my chest.

[Notwendy]

Seems to me that you have chosen to protect your own personal boundaries, your job (romantic relationships and their discussion don't belong in the workplace) and your children.

Your kids, at their ages, have no comprehension of what goes into a long term relationship. Sure, your ex can be fun and nice during visits, just about anyone can do that, but that doesn't mean she is emotionally stable and can sustain a long term relationship and actual parenting- and you have seen that she isn't emotionally stable. What you have chosen to do is to not bring an emotionally unstable person into your home and their lives.

As a parent, we make choices for our kids that are in their best interests, not always the ones they "want". They probably also would love to have sweets for dinner instead of vegetables too but you don't do that because, it's not good for them.

The most important person to your kids is you as their parent and one of your main tasks is to protect them. You are doing that.

Also, they don't need a detailed explanation or TMI. You made an adult decision in their best interest. You can tell them that the two of you didn't work out but that no matter what, you will always be there for them as their Dad.

Yes, you have feelings for this person but you have let your boundaries and logical thinking as well as your self preservation and role as a parent override them. This is not a failure in any way. One can see this as a sound decision you made for yourself and your children.

[CACBHAM]

There is a huge part of me that wants to say - please just get help! And we can be that family. But she won’t and I can’t force her. It hurts, she’s has the capabilities to be amazing. She’s just so scared

[Pook075]

There is a huge part of me that wants to say - please just get help! And we can be that family. But she won’t and I can’t force her. It hurts, she’s has the capabilities to be amazing. She’s just so scared

That's the thing- it's 100% her choice.  And I imagine it has to be almost impossibly hard to admit that you have a serious mental illness that ruins every close relationship.  Who would want years of therapy and medications? 

I wish you luck and if it were me, I'd hold off on "the talk" with the kids for a week or so.  Just say something came up and she can't join you on Thursday.