she came back again, help me not mess it up this time

[stevemcduck]

Hi guys,

I’ve been on this forum for a while and have had an on off relationship with someone with bpd,

I’m a 42-year-old man and was with my ex, for just over six years. We lived together and she is, without question, the woman I’ve loved more than anyone else. She loved being nurtured, looked after and feeling emotionally safe, and I loved protecting, guiding and caring for her. It felt very natural to both of us.

The relationship was incredible at its best, but we had a repeating cycle. Whenever she became overwhelmed, she would often withdraw, shut down emotionally, become defensive, or end the relationship. I would become anxious, chase, apologise, analyse everything and try to repair things. Looking back, I became the emotional caretaker of the relationship.

There were also breaches of trust. During one previous breakup she told me she hadn’t spoken to anyone else, but when we reconciled I discovered she had been flirting with several men, sending nudes and saying hurtful things about me that weren’t true. She was deeply apologetic, even tattooed my name afterwards, and I forgave her, but I never fully recovered from the hurt. It became a source of insecurity for me.

Our final breakup happened after an argument about that history. I mentioned that during one of our breakups other women had sent me nudes. She became extremely angry, assaulted me, and I left the house. I made the terrible decision to drive after drinking and was arrested for drink driving. She was arrested for assault. We ended up separated and legal restrictions meant she couldn’t contact me for around three months.

During those months I worked hard on myself. I went to the gym, read books, worked on my anxious attachment, did a lot of inner-child work and realised that for years I’d abandoned my own needs because I was terrified of losing her. One of the biggest lessons I learned was that I don’t want to carry a relationship by myself anymore.

Halfway through the no-contact period I sent her a video saying that if she ever wanted to speak again, she could simply change her WhatsApp profile picture. She did change it. Nothing happened for a while after that. Later I assumed it was over and blocked her. She immediately called me, we argued, but eventually calmed down and decided to start talking again.

We’ve now been reconnecting for a few days. We text throughout the day, have had a couple of FaceTimes lasting about an hour, and she’s generally warm. She often initiates messages like “Good morning,” asks about my day, tells me about job interviews, sends me Instagram reels and has tried to FaceTime me herself once. She agreed to rebuild contact and, early on, said something that really stood out to me: if I’d been with anyone else, she wouldn’t be interested in rebuilding contact.

At the same time, she’s also asked me not to make things too intense because she’s under a lot of stress. She recently lost her job, is worried about her health, and has said she’d rather keep things light for now. When I suggested meeting, she didn’t say no, she said it was too soon and asked me to give it a couple of weeks.

My concern is that I’m starting to notice familiar patterns. I usually say “I love you” first. I usually say “I miss you” first. I initiated both FaceTimes. I tend to be the one moving things forward emotionally. She responds warmly, but rarely leads in those areas herself.

I don’t want to repeat our old dynamic where I become responsible for carrying the relationship. At the same time, I also don’t want to misinterpret someone who is simply rebuilding trust slowly after everything we’ve been through.

My questions are:

From your experience, does this sound like someone who is cautiously rebuilding trust, or someone who is keeping me at arm’s length?

If you’ve been in a similar relationship, what behaviours genuinely helped rebuild attraction and emotional safety after a traumatic breakup?

If she does have quiet/internalised BPD traits, what would you avoid doing at this stage?

Is there anything in my behaviour that still sounds anxious or likely to recreate the old pursue/withdraw cycle?

Most importantly, if your goal was to maximise the chances of a healthy reconciliation, not just getting her back, but rebuilding something that actually lasts, what would you do differently if you were me?

I’m looking for honest opinions, even if they’re difficult to hear. I love this woman deeply, but I also don’t want to rebuild the same unhealthy relationship we had before.

Thank you in advance for any advice.

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