Saw ex with BPD - so much feeling!! Processing end of relationship

[Rosalina]

Hi lovely people, I have posted on here a few times before, and this site has been so completely helpful to me. So first, thank you. Second, I am three months post-breakup. It has taken me a while to recognize that this isn't that long - three months. I saw my ex today as he had to pick up some stuff from my house (clothing). It was the briefest of exchanges. Literally less than a minute. He looked good, handsome, the side of him that has that caring voice. It ignited all that old longing. I literally collapsed crying on the floor after that encounter. It brought back all the good memories - all the fun times - there were so many! I actually loved him.

In some ways, this is good to know about my capacity - I am capable of love, of showing up with love and care. The hard part was that this brief encounter encapsulated so much of the larger relationship pattern - there and gone again abruptly, without apparent demonstration of care.

The idealize - devalue cycle in the relationship was so so hard. He would "break up" by telling me horrible things about myself, and then this would die down, and he would come back apologetic and soft, and I would go back. With some belief that it would be different (thank you people in this forum for helping me see not to put hope in that belief). I learned to accept that this person is someone who is both all of those beautiful qualities AND the very difficult qualities that cause relational harm. That one comes with the other.

I do want to know from others - this process of getting over the heartbreak is so hard - how have you done this?

I super loved this man. I absolutely opened my heart. I have done alot of work to understand my own relational patterns that brought me to this relationship, and have been rebuilding my own sense of self-worth, lovableness and self-care because of this relationship. I believe now I need to be no contact because I am too raw to have any contact at this time. The wounds get reopened so quickly, and the pain comes back. There is no practical reason to be in contact so I can do this.

I think I need to also say what the pains specifically were - because I am sure I gaslight myself into thinking I am silly or a fool for being in this relationship. He would go on drinking binges for a week and not do anything about this addiction. He would focus on how I interrupted him a few times, and made this the reason to breakup. He called me "the angriest person" he ever met and that he wanted to kill himself being with me (he remained safe - just as an FYI). He would abruptly leave for a week or two, often without warning. He would say I was abusive (I wasn't) and that the"performance standards for the relationship" were ridiculous. He would say I put sexual pressure on him if I asked if he was wanting to be intimate. If I didn't ask I was also putting pressure on him. (that was a huge no win situation). He told me that he has been harbouring feelings of contempt for such a long time - that this made me question everything we did where he said the exact opposite. Obviously there is more, but one cannot write down all the venomous things that were said or done!

Anyways, I am grateful for this community and any responses.

[Pook075]

I do want to know from others - this process of getting over the heartbreak is so hard - how have you done this?
 

Hi Rosalina.  You're right, three months is such a short period of time.  I thought I was over my ex after three months as well, but I still held onto hope for an additional two years or so past that.  And I thought about what she did at the end for maybe another year after that.  So for me, all in all, it took around 3 years to be fully over the relationship and at peace with it.

Why's it so hard?  Because when BPDs love, they give everything they have...they're all-in.  The average person can't love like that because they're more reserved and careful, they don't wear their feelings on their sleeve.  When my ex and I first started dating, oh gosh, it was truly magical.  That's part of the disorder too though- trusting too much, giving everything to the relationship.  The magic came from the sickness just like the heartbreak did.

Today I can look at my ex and remember the good with a smile, and also remember the bad without judging her.  She was sick, plain and simple, and I couldn't see it until it was impossible to avoid.  Looking back, I saw all the signs very early on and I clearly knew something was off.  I don't regret it though and I can say that I still love her.  But I'm also very glad that we're not together anymore and in that cycle of chaos.

Three months is just a blip...this takes time and that's completely normal.  It seems like for a lot of us, the realizations came in waves.  We'd heal from one part, then something else would suddenly appear in our minds and we'd have to struggle with it for awhile.  Eventually though, you will get there and you will love again.

Let me tell you quickly about my current wife.  She was very careful and reserved at first.  But once the relationship blossomed, she was all in just like my ex.  The difference is that my current wife is not mentally ill and she loves me in a healthy, balanced way.  I do the same right back at her and life is just easy, it just works so smoothly because we're always looking out for one another.  I did not have that before and I am so thankful- this real, two-way relationship is 1,000x better.

I shared that to say that there is a better relationship out there for you once you are ready. 

[Under The Bridge]

Hi Rosalina,

Pook sums it up perfectly, all I can do is add my total agreement and tell you to stay strong and see 'the whole picture' of your past relationship and how toxic it was for you.  We all remember the good times - and how fantastically good they could be - but don't let these times draw you back in with the 'it might be different this time' thoughts - because it won't.

It seems you've already realised this so all you can do is live your own life and let time heal. Three months isn't too long to be free from any relationship, let alone an intense BPD one and things are bound to still be fresh in your mind.

You hopefully also see how clearer your life is now without the constant conflict, and your mental and physical state will also have improved - I remember how relieved I was after I stopped seeing my exBPD and how good it was just to be able to go out and not have to walk on eggshells every second for fear of a meltdown. It was no life, even with the rare good moments.

Stay strong and positive. You had a life before your exBPD and you'll have a life again, Good things happen when you least expect them.

[hotchip]

I do want to know from others - this process of getting over the heartbreak is so hard - how have you done this?

I super loved this man. I absolutely opened my heart. I have done alot of work to understand my own relational patterns that brought me to this relationship, and have been rebuilding my own sense of self-worth, lovableness and self-care because of this relationship.

One thing that has helped me is reframing what happened with the BPD person as an interaction, not a relationship. A relationship requires genuine awareness and participation on both sides. It requires that the other person be capable of sincerity in a real, material sense - that they have the capacity to say something, mean it and act in a way that is commensurate to that meaning.

When you say that you 'super loved this man' - your feelings and actions of love and care were real. However, the person you thought you were directing them towards was not. You said it yourself - the beautiful qualities and the ugly, destructive qualities come from the same person. Not the caring person you thought you knew, but an empty spinning void of need, abandonment terror and mirroring which masqueraded as love during the good times. It's frightening.

It sounds like you have a lot of cognitive insight into this process but it's taking your feelings a while to catch up. I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound thoughtful and caring, and you're dealing with this very bravely. I hope the struggle eases for you soon.