This may have been covered here a lot already but I am not finding it easily or not searching well!
A few years ago I got an emergency court order to remove my now ex BPD partner from the home. It was a bumpy road but I've been able to address a lot of the kids' needs that he was irrationally opposed to, and of course don't live with the same daily tension and control and limits and eggshells I was used to. Divorce is hard and I'm tired but I believe it was the right thing to do.
Maybe I have to remind myself harder how much better things are. Lately things have felt tough. I had a significant loss in my family of origin in the last year, I'm paying child support so there's a lot of financial pressure on me still as the breadwinner, and I'm juggling various financial deadlines and requirements as part of our separation agreement. I'm really tired and depleted and possibly depressed. I'm functioning but have the feeling that I keep spinning my wheels and can't totally get traction. I live in the US and current political landscape isn't helping.
Persistent feelings that "this is all my fault" return at times, especially when I am feeling depleted. I know that feeling vulnerable is a trigger for me. PTSD emotional flashbacks that had gotten better over time have intensified, with more intense and prolonged bad feelings at times. It's hard to detangle what is just straight up grief, exhaustion, perimenopause
, or something bigger and more persistent. While it's a relief not to live with my ex day to day, sometimes coparenting touchpoints about scheduling etc become escalated and he repeats accusations, blaming, overreactions, boundary crossing, etc. (Even though things are directionally better, I think this can be triggering at times, or make me feel crazy.)
When I zoom out, I can see that I had to juggle A LOT in the past 3-5 years and it's not crazy that I'm feeling depleted. I struggle with self care and boundaries in general.
I guess I am wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar. It will help to anchor my perspective in the moments that continue to feel ovewhelming at times. Any strategies you guys have used would be welome.
