Anyone ending long-term relationship/marriage and want to connect & share?

[Tiger72]

I have never done anything like this before but am really struggling and hoping someone out there maybe understands. Going through a dissolution after 20-year marriage to high functioning BPD spouse. Have a teenage son so no contact is not an option. It is amicable/friendly and we are separated but the emotional pain is brutal and just feeling hopeless, angry, sad and just devastated. Can anyone out there relate?

[mywifecrazy]

Hello,

I just popped back up on these boards as I haven't been on them in a while.  Back in 2013 I caught my wife (pwbpd) in an affair with my neighbor.  She immediately abandoned me and our 2 sons, then 13 & 8.  It was very difficult at first but my saving grace (after my faith in Jesus) was my education I received on these boards.  I learned to take my focus off of that which was out of my control (my wife and her per choices and bad behavior) and to focus on the only thing in my control (My behaviors and my ministering to my hurting sons).  Slowly BUT STEADILY I was able to rebuild my life as a full time single dad and to move forward in an emotionally healthy way.

I know it may seem hard and painful in this early stage as it's all probably a shock to the system.  But stay strong, Live one day at a time and even  one moment at a time when necessary.  Don't try to suppress the tears when they come as they serve a purpose in your healing.  I also went to a group called Divorce Care with like these boards very instrumental in setting me free!!  You can do this!!

Sincerely,
MWC
Romans 8:28 

[Alz123]

I have never done anything like this before but am really struggling and hoping someone out there maybe understands. Going through a dissolution after 20-year marriage to high functioning BPD spouse. Have a teenage son so no contact is not an option. It is amicable/friendly and we are separated but the emotional pain is brutal and just feeling hopeless, angry, sad and just devastated. Can anyone out there relate?

I can totally relate. It’s not quite the same for me as this is my 2nd marriage and we’ve only been together 4.5 years but I was utterly convinced that this time I’d found my person to share life with. He was loving, supportive, fun and (i thought) open and honest. Pretty much straight after our honeymoon things changed and 2 years later we are separating.

It’s heartbreaking, any break up is but especially after 20 years and with BPD in the mix. The emotional pain is real and it’s so important to get support around you. There’s a ted talk by a guy called Guy Winch called How to Fix a Broken Heart that’s worth a watch.

There’s also an independent podcast Relational Lives which has an episode on break ups.

You will get through this!

[Sluggo]

I was in a marriage for 18 years and had seven children.  It was very very difficult. I was the one that left after with my clinically diagnosed wife.  The healthier I got in our marriage the more difficult our marriage got.  It is like the hand did not fit the glove anymore. That is our mutual dysfunctions did not work together anymore as my behaviors became better.  I struggled a lot with dependency type behaviors, fear of conflict, fear of loss. 

  Had to do a lot of work on myself to understand how I got to accepting the behaviors that were very hurtful and damaging.

Now 10 years later, things are so much better. But those first three years after the divorce or very difficult.  I found that exercise, prayer, this board, and learning more about the behaviors such as in the book 'Foundations' by Dr Childress to be very helpful. 

You are not alone ..  keep sharing your story here. 

Sluggo

[Wanda]

I have you all beat 29 years I to now just separated. He is high functioning he was on meds for his back wich also was for anxiety. Went off and went into a manic episode. We have a house dogs cats and we are separated it to do far amicably
But we are at the start I am
65 and going for divorce    Do I relate oh yes . 29 years and he don’t care .

[Pook075]

I have never done anything like this before but am really struggling and hoping someone out there maybe understands. Going through a dissolution after 20-year marriage to high functioning BPD spouse. Have a teenage son so no contact is not an option. It is amicable/friendly and we are separated but the emotional pain is brutal and just feeling hopeless, angry, sad and just devastated. Can anyone out there relate?

I was in the same position about 4 years ago- my wife of 23 years suddenly said that it was over.  I quickly figured out that there was someone else and there was zero chance to reconcile.  It gutted me and there were some very dark days ahead.  But eventually, little by little, I found myself once again and my eyes opened to what I thought was a happy marriage.  It wasn't, not even a little bit, and I settled for far too much for far too long.

Our kids were early 20's, so we had to remain in contact.  I refused to burn bridges and no matter how ugly she got, I showed patience and compassion while explaining that being parents is a lifelong comittment.  I kept that in perspective the entire time and separated my feelings for what would be best for our kids.  Again, it was brutal, it tore my heart out for months and months, but if I had to do it all over again, I would do it exactly the same way.

Today, my ex is married to the guy she left me for.  I'm remarried as well and amazed at the differences in my life then and now.  Back then I was a shell of myself jsut barely getting by- that was before the cheating and the betrayal.  Now I'm thriving with an amazing woman would would do anything for me, and I'd do anything for her.  Life is simple and I'm incredibly happy.

I shared my full story to say that where you're at now feels like the end of the world.  It's not.  Life is going to stink for awhile and it's going to be so difficult to let go of those feelings and emotions, but you're going to come out on the other side of this a completely new person. 

I literally feel 10 years younger today than I did 5 years ago when all of this started.  But I also went through hell to get here.  So keep the finish line in perspective, this will pass in time and you simply have to get busy with life to get through it.  Pick up old hobbies, hang out with old friends, or make some new friends and hobbies.  Just stay busy and work your way though this!

[panditbhaskar]

Thank you for sharing your story so openly—it takes a lot of courage to put those feelings into words, especially when you are right in the thick of such a painful transition.

Going through a long-term dissolution especially after 20 years and with a high-functioning BPD partner brings an overwhelming mix of grief, relief, confusion, and exhaustion. As many others on here know too well, having a child means the door to no contact is firmly closed, which makes the emotional healing process even more intricate because you have to constantly recalibrate boundaries and communication.

One thing that helped me gain immense clarity and perspective on relationship dynamics, emotional patterns, and compatibility down the road was shifting my focus inward and understanding how two people's core traits align or clash. If anyone is looking for resources or tools to better understand relationship health and patterns, exploring a compatibility test for couples https://astroma.co/compatibility naturally can offer profound insights into interpersonal dynamics and emotional intelligence.

Be gentle with yourself right now. Healing isn't linear, and some days will be heavier than others. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way—keep sharing and leaning on this community as you navigate the road ahead.