my daughter called yesterday and said we should give up on having a relationship

[sad22]

My daughter, 34 was diagnosed with BPD at 18 after 3 serious suicide attempts in the prior 2 years.  We all went to dbt therapy and she sort of was better.  She is very bright and went to university after a break of 2 years and graduated.  She was working until last year, when she quit her job because she was depressed and her boss was making her suicidal.  She recently started looking for another job which is very stressful and she is still depressed.   
Her dad and I are traveling overseas and last week she said was thinking she wanted to visit us in Oct and Dec.  Unfortunately, I had had a bad morning dealing with some unexpected bills so I asked her if she was paying for one of the flights which caused a huge upset.  She is very last minute about plans and makes it very difficult to make arrangements because I don't necessarily have accommodations for her and it is unclear at least to me what she is planning until the last moment.  She said all other parents would be happy their kids wanted to spend time with them and that I was just so selfish and cold to her.  She said that I never help her and brings up things I did/said wrong from years ago and that her therapist said I am not empathetic or mothering.  I feel constantly on guard when I am around her.
I was going to therapy to deal with the emotional turmoil last year from when her dad told her to go home when she was yelling at me about past things and wouldn't stop.  (Not getting invited to her dad's cousin's kid's wedding that she hadn't seen in 10 years, letting them stay at my house when she wasn't invited to the wedding, me buying a vacuum even after she said it was stupid and other similar things.)  It was all my fault, I didn't care and she was never going to forgive me.  My therapist will only see me (even remotely) if I am in the same state, so I am not currently seeing them.  
Yesterday, my dwBPD called and said that she thought we should just give up on having a relationship because I don't realize how much pain I cause her.  She said she thought that me going to therapy would help but that I am never going to change and she just can't deal with all the pain that I continually cause.  
Usually we end up with me apologizing for the things she says I was wrong about and her not really accepting the apology since it comes out again the next time she is upset.  Then we muddle along again.  
A prior therapist said if I keep doing the same things why would I expect different results.  I just don't know what to do.  I do feel selfish when I'm not worrying about her and enjoy something.  
Sorry this is so long of a first post and thank you for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders