Repairing harm I’ve caused

[thecounterfeiter]

 I need help repairing the harm I have caused in my chaotic relationship with my boyfriend. I’m trying to understand where I went wrong and if it’s possible to move forward.

Here’s the nitty -I’m pretty well versed on bpd (have read so much!) and still learning
-he’s not currently in treatment, and retreats in and out from self awareness
-4 years on again off again long distance relationship (I know, I know)
-usually very close, talking almost every day, multiple visits to see each other
-major bpd behaviours were meltdowns (splitting on me and getting into horrible circular arguments about how I’ve hurt him), shutdowns (going cold and dismissive, taking big chunks of space), and sensitivity to rejection (worst possible interpretations of my words, behaviours, possible thoughts).

I understand that I’m not perfect. And that my reactions and actions make sense because his behaviour can be confusion, hurtful, and frustrating. But I’m trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong and to try to do better.

I’ve tried to “fix”  things instead of listening to his feelings Now I realize this made him feel invalidated and weak. I’ve tried to stay calm and ended up shut down and cold when he’s been overwhelmed. Now I realize this made him feel invalidated and ignored, and he read my calm as dismissal and threat.I’ve been needy and desperate for repair and reassurance when he’s needed space to calm down.Now I realize this made him feel pressured and smothered.

Worst of all, I had a meltdown. During a disaster of a holiday together, where he kept picking at me and making passive aggressive comments out of the blue, I lost my cool. I didn’t yell. And I wasn’t intentionally cruel. Just exhausted and desperate and not in control. I couldn’t stop crying. And I couldn’t stop talking. I did not filter or mince my words. I talked about my love for him.And I talked about my frustration and hurt too.

This scared him. After he told me he thought I was going to physically hurt him. Which horrifies me.

I apologized for scaring him, for losing control, for not taking space to calm myself down. But the damage is done.

The petulant child in me says “but he’s had some many meltdowns and acted terribly to you, and yet YOU try to understand where he was coming from and  forgive and move on! Why can’t HE give me that grace?!” But that doesn’t actually help anything. I can give myself grace and understanding here (I was overwhelmed, he was being _____ty) but that’s just not something he is capable of. Just have to accept that.

Which is kind of the aha moment. For so long I have wanted grace and understanding from him. Wanting him to understand why things hurt me, wanting him to understand why I react a certain way to his behaviours. But he’s not capable of that!

While the things I’ve done that hurt him are understandable, I still hurt him. So how do I move forward from that? How do I repair my relationship with him without throwing myself under the bus (“you’re right I’m a monster”) or slipping into trying to explain to someone who doesn’t hear/understand explanations?

How do I repair something so broken?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.