Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy

[Inforthelonghaul]

My daughter is almost 25 and has been diagnosed with BPD.  Everytime she calls me and she's having a hard time, it hits me so hard.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel ok.  I feel guilty that this is somehow my fault, whether because I didn't do what I needed to do to help her when she was young (even though I really tried) or whether it's because I had kids with mental illness in my family (although I was not consciously aware of that at the time).  It crushes me that she feels so sad.  She tries to get help for it.  And nothing seems to be working.  She is miserable and so therefore so am I.  Is there a future where I get to be ok?

Any words of encouragement out there?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LazyAtoms]

I am so sorry. It is awful. I feel the pain and the guilt too. Mine is compounded by the fact that now my young adult daughter refuses to speak to me, because recently she decided that everything is all my fault, I have no idea what to do.

[Pook075]

Any words of encouragement out there?

Focus only on what you can control.  Your BPD kid is far beyond your control; she has to live her own life and you shouldn't stake your happiness on her instability. 

You said that she "tries to get help" and "nothing seems to be working."  Think about that.  It's like me having a toothache and saying, "I don't know what else to do.  I walked to my mailbox, took a multivitamin, and did some pushups.  Yet my tooth still hurts and I'm so miserable!"

The way for your daughter to move past this isn't "trying a few things" that feel comfortable to her.  It requires a committment to therapy, medication, and self-reflection.  Until she is ready to go all-in, things will continue to be troubling. 

And that brings us back to my first point- focus on what YOU can control.  Your happiness can't be tied to anyone else; it has to come from within.  Right now, you are okay...but you're letting your daughter influence far too much of your life.  That's the real problem here and it's a "you probem."  You have to let that illusion of control go because you're not in control of anything with your kid.

I hope that helps.