Therapy Support

[Redhorse93]

Hello, I have a question about financial support for young adult therapy. 

We have been paying for our daughter's outpatient therapy for the past 17 months.  When she began she needed IOP therapy, and we were in full support of assisting her as she had just resigned from a job of 2 1/2 years.  At that time, she had lost over twenty pounds in a span of one year, was withdrawn working 24/7 remotely and was beginning to significantly struggle with executive functioning.  We also suspected some marijuana mis-use.  We were struggling to communicate with her because when the conversation went in a direction she did not like, the emotional dysregulation would set in.  She would lash out at me, place blame and dredge up the past.  Most often citing her father as the root of her inability to make decisions (because she'd spent her whole life trying to please her father and wasn't allowed to make choices for herself), her relationship struggles/inability to maintain friendships (her father made her question her reality and shattered her self-esteem) and abandonment (we treated her brother differently because he had ADHD, we spent money on his early education that we did not do for her - she graduated from a public high school then went to a competitive out-of-state college graduating magna cum laude. During the pandemic we chose for her brother to finish his last two years in private school because he was struggling with virtual/hybrid high school). 

Our daughter moved back home in May.  Not employed.  No semblance of a healthy daily schedule.  Seems paralyzed.  One day at 2PM she told me she could a)clean her room or b)do research for 'work' on her computer.  Her room is a disaster.  She rarely eats with us at the dinner table (that is the one meal I prepare for everyone 5 nights a week.  Seems like avoidance.).  When we asked her about her ongoing (virtual) therapy (it has been virtual since she moved home as therapist is in another city) - goals, progress, etc.  She became defensive.  Stated she was in therapy for her father's invalidation, but didn't/couldn't say more.  We expressed that to continue to pay for her weekly therapy sessions we needed to observe greater accountability and forward direction.  It was not sustainable to pay for her to have talk therapy that was not enhancing her mental health and motivation.  Would it be possible to accomplish in two sessions a month what she was currently doing in four?  Did her therapist have any recommendations for other modalities of therapy that might compliment what they were working towards or  to address specific goals?  She has told us we are abandoning her by cutting back on her therapy.  We responded, that we weren't cutting back her therapy, nor abandoning her - That as an adult she could choose to seek as much therapy as needed, but at some point she would need to share the financial responsibility.  In response, her victimization has skyrocketed.  It is truly exhausting not being able to have a rational conversation with our once self-disciplined, responsible young adult.

We sent a very thoughtful email to her therapist.  We explained our observations over the past three months.  We sought her professional opinion.  After two weeks of no response, we sent a follow-up. Crickets.  Most recently our daughter stated that her therapist is worried about her feeling 'unsafe' in our home and defeated by our unwillingness to understand her.  She said it is as if we are choosing not to understand her.  A day later she called from the road and told me she wanted us to research a topic.  She then sent a link to an article on Traumatic Invalidation that came from a therapist she saw on Tik-Tok.  She has also mentioned in heavy discussions that she can no longer 'do this', and that she may have to go no contact.  Our marriage therapist feels we are being reasonable to want to understand what our daughter is working towards in therapy. Especially if we are currently paying for the therapy sessions as well as providing shelter, food at home, a car to drive and cell service.  We haven't paid for clothing, spending money, entertainment, etc since January.  She has been told in January 2027 she will be responsible for her cell phone and insurance.  In April, she becomes responsible for health insurance and medical co-pays.

Thanks for hanging in there with me...

My question is: For those parents who pay for their young adults therapy, do you receive 'progress' reports from the therapist?  Is your young adults therapist responsive to inquiries or parental input?  Has your young adult signed a waiver giving their therapist ability to communicate?  We have asked for the possibility of a joint therapy session to work on healing/repair - should that happen with their therapist or another family therapist? 

We only want our daughter's mental health to be properly treated so she can begin functioning again as an adult who can support themselves and find joy in life.  We don't want to 'control' her.  We don't put a price tag on her mental health, but we have become exhausted by the vicious cycle of entitlement, projecting and blame.  My physical and mental health is at an all time low.  I don't feel capable of being her mother and therapist. 

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders