Overthinking as always

[Ashesanddust]

I have been no contact with my exwbpd for the most part. I have made a couple dumb decisions and reached out in moments of weakness. I have also felt that when he seems like he's in an extra bad spot, I should check on him because I am truly worried that he will kill himself.
When I need something however, me reaching out is unhealthy and tortuous. Have any of ya'll had your exbpd beg for you to talk to them, expect you to come over at the drop of a hat, to answer their hundreds of calls? Sometimes you do. But then the couple times you need something, they ignore you? Or tell you that talking to you is too unhealthy and they just want to get on with their life? It just feels so hypocritical and one sided all the time. I know i can't expect closure or kindness even but I guess it seems wild to me that there is so little compassion for someone you once claimed to love. And claim to love still. More than anything.

I am having a very hard time wrapping my head around the fact that there is so little accountability. So little understanding. The things he put me through are just so rough but he acts like they never happened or that they shouldn't be a big deal. Any time I give him an opportunity to apologize or make something right, he full tilts the opposite direction. Going through all of that is already so hard but then being told that your feelings around it aren't valid is such a stab to the heart. I just hate him and love him and hate that I love him. I am feeling so lost at sea.

Have any of ya'll felt the depression, dissociation, grief and pain get so bad that you worry that you might be capable of hurting yourself?

[wantmorepeace]

Absolutely -- sometimes that feels like the only way out.  BUT IT IS NOT.  It takes a long time to get, but keep trying to hear what's being offered on this site and the pain will ebb and eventually joy will reenter your life.

[Ashesanddust]

I've been doing my best to talk to people on here and I've been going to therapy and the occasional support group. I'm trying to stay busy with work and projects around the house. I feel so incapable of just being ok. There are so many days when I think about going back to him. I know it isn't what I should do. But I just miss the good so much. Yes, the thing that keeps me from going to him is all the bad. Which I constantly remind myself of. But I was just so in love with him. Which is also probably crazy given the tumultuous nature of our relationship. But boy is it a challenge to not get hung up on the good memories and the love making and the adventure of it all.  And then i just feel so depressed and hopeless thinking that I put all that time and effort into a future I was sure I was going to have with this person and that is all gone. And was it ever even really there or was it a construct of the mind? I get stuck in the back and forth. Trying to find the truth. Trying to move on.  But i can't shake this dark and looming feeling. What did ya'll do?

[wantmorepeace]

My situation is a family member, not a love affair -- and love affairs are hard to quit under the best of circumstances, not just when your mind and sense of self have been messed with. So I hope you'll hear from others too, but I think the things you're doing are right, but they take time -- and you need and deserve time to recover and figure out next steps in your life. Also, I suggest adding going out with friends, finding groups that do activities you enjoy, and other ways of connecting with people and having fun.

[Ashesanddust]

Yeah, being social is important. I've just been having a really hard time finding the motivation to do those things. Like the amount of effort it takes to put on a face and be ok around people is a lot. Especially when most of my friends don't understand it or are sick of hearing about it. But I'm just so fully wrapped up in it and was for so long. It's really hard to just move on. Like you said, typical affairs are already a lot to work through. Ones with all these extra layers are just so intense.