Wife threatens to divorce if we don't rent an expensive house we cannot afford

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, wife is threatening to divorce if we don't move into a new house that is too expensive for us, we are both unemployed and we live on family financial help, family currently pays some of our bills like rent, and this new house would be double of our current rent cost.

It is the same pattern as always, she says once we move in there we will have money (magically), no matter how much explaining from me that we can't afford that and we have no evidence that we will have the enormous amount of money that would be required for this to be a financially responsible decision, there are other cheaper houses but she insists on the more expensive ones due to them being prettier.

We have one small kid, and this is what hurts me the most.

She always pressed me into decisions like this, for example moving in with just a few months of relationship instead of dating for longer, and so on.

On her work side, she made bad decisions finance wise and now is paying for them, I refused to pay these crisis money for her, now she wants to apply the same decision framework that money will magically appear even without evidence that it will, at least not in the amount she wants.

I'm reading "Stop walking on eggshells", I felt super tempted to give in just to keep us together but honestly giving in is what brought us to financial ruin at first, alongside some other bad decisions from me as well, so I'm exercising my right to say "no".
But it hurts!

I am even having physical symptons, like going too much to the bathroom to do the "number 2", due to persisting on my "no" after the threat.

I fear for our kid, the most.

She says that I will pay a lot either for that rent or for child support and ex-wife support.

I wish we could live a responsible and disciplined life, would solve most of our problems, and I will do so myself, even if it means a divorce, as I tried to live in the maelstrom of her emotions and I ruined myself doing it, compromising even our family's survival.

[xios]

Hello, wife is threatening to divorce if we don't move into a new house that is too expensive for us, we are both unemployed and we live on family financial help, family currently pays some of our bills like rent, and this new house would be double of our current rent cost.

It is the same pattern as always, she says once we move in there we will have money (magically), no matter how much explaining from me that we can't afford that and we have no evidence that we will have the enormous amount of money that would be required for this to be a financially responsible decision, there are other cheaper houses but she insists on the more expensive ones due to them being prettier.

We have one small kid, and this is what hurts me the most.

She always pressed me into decisions like this, for example moving in with just a few months of relationship instead of dating for longer, and so on.

On her work side, she made bad decisions finance wise and now is paying for them, I refused to pay these crisis money for her, now she wants to apply the same decision framework that money will magically appear even without evidence that it will, at least not in the amount she wants.

I'm reading "Stop walking on eggshells", I felt super tempted to give in just to keep us together but honestly giving in is what brought us to financial ruin at first, alongside some other bad decisions from me as well, so I'm exercising my right to say "no".
But it hurts!

I am even having physical symptons, like going too much to the bathroom to do the "number 2", due to persisting on my "no" after the threat.

I fear for our kid, the most.

She says that I will pay a lot either for that rent or for child support and ex-wife support.

I wish we could live a responsible and disciplined life, would solve most of our problems, and I will do so myself, even if it means a divorce, as I tried to live in the maelstrom of her emotions and I ruined myself doing it, compromising even our family's survival.

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[ForeverDad]

This is admittedly difficult situation... the conflict of the ages - seemingly irresistible force (your spouse) versus the immovable object (reality).

It ought to be simple.  Just say No until you can afford a better residence.  But we all know that's so hard to accomplish.  She's using a threat of divorce (and child support) as leverage.  Until now you've been saying No, how hard would it be for you to continue saying No?

How long have you been married?  How realistic is your hope to find employment for either or both of you?  My guess is that she is unlikely to seek work for herself?

To be frank, if she is determined to divorce, then family court will be there to referee a divorce.  s you are both adults, all it takes is for one spouse to seek to exit.  Sadly, divorces do happen.  It's hard to predict whether she might follow through on the pressure to comply/appease or divorce.  If that does happen then what remains is to what extent you would seek as much custody and parenting time as possible.

These days more and more courts are willing to create orders where each parent has equal time.  The days where a mother gets default preference for parenting are fading in many jurisdictions.  Is she a caring parent?  Babies and toddlers would have schedules with frequent exchanges between parents, but older children (preschool through elementary age) often do best with exchanges twice a week.  One common schedule is called 2-2-3 (or 2-2-5-5 over two weeks) where one parent gets Mon-Tue overnights, the other parent gets Wed-Thu overnights and they alternate Fri-Sat-Sun overnights.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I can relate to the delusional expectations of pwBPD.  Sometimes, the level of entitlement can seem over-the-top.  PwBPD seem to confuse wants and needs, because their wants are almost always dire, urgent needs.  Does that sound about right?

It may be possible to live in the pretty house your spouse desires, someday.  But right now, the reality is that you are both unemployed.  Not only that, but you are dependent on the charity of others to finance your life, and by the sound of it, you have some consumer debt to pay off.  Look, your spouse is an adult.  If adults want something, they are responsible for making it happen themselves.  If your spouse wants to live in a pretty house, then you could say, you're not stopping her.  Let her save up for a down payment; let her qualify for the lease.  You don't have to be the one to tell her NO.  She can go ahead and try to rent a place herself.  Unless she's saved up a ton of money to pre-pay several months of rent, I just don't see how she'd get approved for a lease with zero income and a questionable credit score.  She'd need a co-signer.  But you don't have to co-sign, and neither does anyone else.

If I do a little mindreading here, I might venture a guess that your spouse has NO IDEA how leases work, because she's never actually been reponsible for making rent herself.  She's entitled and caught up with the notion that she deserves only the best; at the same time, she's accustomed to others over-functioning for her.  The result is that she's never really learned the basics of adulting, such as how much things cost and how to stick to a budget.  She's a slow learner that way.  Like you say, she has "magical" thinking, believing that money will materialize into her lap.  The pwBPD in my life is a bit like that, believing she can move to one of the most expensive cities in the world, with no job, no savings and no meaningful work experience, and live a privileged lifestyle there.  She thought she'd be "discovered" as a top model, artist or internet influencer, magically, after only a day or two of effort.  She wouldn't entertain any realistic estimates of the wage she'd have to earn in order to support a modest lifestyle in the city, let alone create a budget for essentials like rent, utilities, food, transportation, taxes or insurance.  She was caught up in the fantasy of moving as soon as possible to the expensive city; she even posted her "new" city on social media and her resume, as if the dream were reality.  She thought, since "everyone else" makes it work, she could too (but without planning, saving, patience or effort).  So, instead of trying to caution her and discuss the budgetary realities, I completely changed my approach.  I said, "I can see why you'd want to move to the expensive city, that sounds great.  I'm not stopping you."  And then I waited.  I let her research apartments and try to sign a lease on her own.  Guess what?  She can't find employment, and she gets rejected for a lease, for lack of income and lack of a co-signer.

In other words, she'll only confront reality when she actually faces it all by herself.  Trying to talk sensibly with someone who's living in fantasyland doesn't work in my opinion--she'll think you're being invalidating and unhelpful.  Maybe you just let her dream.  If she's really serious about making her dream come true, then let her try.  Chances are she'll give up at the first obstacle.