First there was husband's ex, now it is my own daughter...

[LazyAtoms]

I first joined this group a number of years ago as I was dealing with my husband's ex wife with BPD. It was very hard.  My daughter was little at this time, but over the years we started seeing things about my daughter that reminded me of husband's ex wife.  We just kept hoping we were wrong though.   Several months ago his ex wife committed suicide.  That is horrible and a whole other subject.

Simultaneouly my daughter kept escalating with personal situations.  She has been away at college. Very brilliant student, works part time, no extreme behaviors like self harm or anything at least not to me.

The emotional intensity has been there her whole life, but overall I still felt like we had a loving relationship despite her emotional outbursts.  Lots of issues with friends and personal relationships always.  She used to call me constantly and I would spend hours talking with her, listening to her life etc.  She started going to therapy while at college and since then there have been multiple splitting situations were I don’t even know what the trigger was, and suddenly I was the worst parent ever.   This has spiraled into her telling my she wants no relationship with me and less I am willing to sincerely apologize and be “accountable” for being a horrible parent that ruined her life.

I have apologized for real, specific things (not being attuned to her particular emotional needs as a kid, etc.). I have offered joint therapy.  All of this has been rejected or reframed, I am told that I play the victim, center my own feelings, and my giant ego won’t let me admit I am wrong.   Joint therapy is rejected because “I will make it all about myself.”  I have tried validating her feelings over and over.  But she rejects all of it because I am unwilling to fully agree with her version of events.  I swear it feels like she read that book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and that is the box I have been put in, end of story.

I just feel devastated and I do not know what to do. I am taking the Family Connections class and trying to understand her and I know she is truly suffering.  But I feel trapped and there is nothing I can say to change anything.  Does this ever get better? Am I missing something? Or do I just accept her estrangement as is.


Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I am very sorry to hear about your situation, I had to respond, as soon as I read "accountable", (mine is such a long story, I will just "cut" to the chase!) my, now, 25 y/o daughter w/BPD & I went through a similar situation (I was her "favorite" person) from the beginning of her diagnosis (4 years ago) she called/texted me CONSTANTLY (not complaining, just stating a fact) she had me sleep over, gave me a set of keys (in case she "overdosed!" (had me take 1/2 of her pills & hide KNIVES) or she would ask me to come over & sit with her if she (example, was putting clothes away) in those 4 years, there were countless episodes of BPD (I had never heard of this prior, took classes at our local NAMI, read all of the books she suggested, so...I have a basic "understanding" of the cycle (?); nearly 4 years ago, I came over her apartment, at her request and she said, "you know you are the reason I am like this, than went on about how I was never there when she was a child, or was not "present"; because I worked all of the time (she said it in a very cruel way) through my BPD "research" I was "taught" not to argue, so, I just said, do you want to elaborate, she basically said, I was "smothering her" and she needed space, well....throughout these 4 years, we have texted, a bit (she told me NOT to call her or she would get a restraining order), I have wracked my brain....what did I miss? what could I have done better? should I reach out (say....want to get together?) add to this, she only associates with my mother, sister and her aunt (who she DESPISED as a child (until this past year), in any case, I found a therapist who specializes in BPD; I feel guilty when I feel happy, etc.  I don't know that I have any advice, other than, you are NOT alone in this "club noone wants to be in!) I DO hope things turn around for you

[CC43]

Hi LazyAtoms,

I'm sorry you're back here after a long hiatus.  You must be tired of the constant strife.  That your husband's ex committed suicide is a stressful event for your family, even if she wasn't actively present in your family's life lately.  Like you wrote, it's horrible and a whole other topic, but it's a relevant backdrop.

Let's focus on your daughter for the moment.  There's not a ton of information for me to go on in your post, but if she's smart, functioning at college and working part-time, she has a whole lot going for her.  If she's avoiding major troubles--evictions, failing classes, dropping out of school, making threats to family and friends, cutting, attempting suicide, landing in the hospital, DUIs, self-medicating with illicit substances, seeming delusional, neglecting her personal hygiene, acting completely unhinged--that's positive in my opinion.  Indeed, your daughter might be hyper-sensitive, emotionally clingy and insecure, but some people are like that.  I think you might ask yourself, is your daughter's emotional instability disrupting her day-to-day life, across the board?  I mean, maybe she has a fight with you from time to time, but is she able to keep her friends, stay in touch with other family members, complete her studies, keep her job, and continue to live her life, even if it looks like she's muddling through it?  I think that many teens and emerging adults try to separate from their parents in college, even if, in many respects, they are still dependent on them.  In fact, I happen to think that struggling is good for your daughter, because as she learns to problem-solve and muddle through things, she builds resilience, confidence and some mental toughness.  You might remind her of that from time to time.

On the other hand, I think that emerging adulthood is an especially difficult time for pwBPD.  I'll repeat here what I wrote a while back concerning my theories about why that is; apologies to the regular readers for the repeat.

When your daughter is accusing you of not being accountable for "ruining" her life, she is blame-shifting.  She's not really mad at you for what she's accusing you of, even if that is what she THINKS she's mad about.  I bet what's really bugging her is fear about the future.  She knows she's an adult in age, but she still feels like a dependent adolescent, and it's killing her.  She doesn't really know who she is (she lacks a stable identity), and she doesn't have stable relationships (friends, co-workers, family, romantic partner).  Without the high school routine that was forced upon her, she feels rudderless.  Is she having trouble in college, and does she have a hard time finding or keeping a job?  Has she lost all her friends?  She is discovering that she's not functioning well as an adult, and that makes her feel SCARED as well as inferior.  "Everyone else" seems to have an easy time making friends, finishing college and/or working, whereas she completely falls apart.  This induces in her a deep SHAME.  Rather than take setbacks in stride (failing a class isn't the end of the world; fights with friends can happen, but apologizing goes a long way; everyone has to start at the bottom in the work world; getting fired isn't such a big deal, there are a million other jobs out there), and rather than take some responsibility (I'll never make any money or friends if I lie in my childhood bed all day), she regresses in AVOIDANCE.  What does she do?  She dredges up ancient history from childhood and blames her dysfunction on that--terrible/unsupportive/abusive family members, they are the ones who make her dysfunctional.  This thought pattern makes her MAD, because she doesn't have what she wants today.  When she sees you, she sees an opportunity to lash out and unleash all this anger and frustration onto you.  If you're up for listening to her, you become her punching bag.  This is all just to avoid acting like an adult and taking responsibility for her life and her decisions.  That is simply too scary.  She RESENTS you because she still NEEDS you desperately, and it's killing her inside.  She's showing the classic, trauma-based response of fight or flight.  She's fighting with you, and then taking flight, to avoid the stresses of adult life.  Does that sound about right?

On top of that, generally speaking, her expectations are totally unreasonable and unrealistic.  I think this is rooted in adolescent or childish thinking patters.  She's impatient.  She's demanding.  She  expects adults to over-function for her.  She still expects to be the center of attention at all times.  She expects too much devotion from friends.  She pines for long summer vacations and hours of daily idle time.  She wants to make decisions, but if something goes wrong, she expects you to face the consequences and "rescue" her, because you "owe" her.  Now, when she was a kid, this was normal.  But now that she's an adult, she's having trouble adjusting her expectations, and at the same time, her childish expectations simply aren't being met.  She still probably expects that you continue to pay most or all of her living expenses.  She refuses to be confined to a budget.  She's resistant to doing adult administrative tasks, and she's frightened because she doesn't necessarily have the know-how, either (since others have over-functioned for her for years).  She's afraid to ask for help, say from a friend or an employer, because she'd be "exposed" for her lack of knowledge, for the fraud she feels she is.  She wasn't really prepared to do autonomous, self-guided study in college, or to be responsible for her own meals and daily routine, or to figure out how to apply for jobs, or even how to accept coaching from a supervisor.  Any "criticism" would be taken personally, and she'd completely fall apart.  I bet she hasn't really embraced the notion that she's responsible for herself now, because she's probably blaming you, full-time.  Let me guess, your daughter says she suffers from anxiety?  She feels "overwhelmed" by normal, emerging adulthood tasks?  My bet is that's because she feels incompetent, inferior and scared.  She's so afraid of a failing and a little stress that she gives up before she even tries, and to cope, she's lashing out at you.  Does this sound familiar?  If it does, it's because it's classic BPD in my opinion.  This is why I think that age 22-25 is probably the "worst" age for BPD:  because the young adult is bumping up against adulthood with the emotional skills of a tween or teen at best.

Now for the validation question.  I know we're supposed to validate feelings (shame, anger, distress, disappointment, etc.).  But I've observed a few things when trying to validate someone with BPD.  First is, I think that what they profess to complain about isn't necessarily the underlying problem.  I think the BPD brain will dredge up an unrelated incident in order to deflect from the real issue (a disappointment, feeling inferior, feeling incompetent, feeling rudderless, feeling lonely, etc.).  So if you try to validate their narrative, it doesn't work, because you're validating the wrong thing!  Second, I think that by validating an ancient grievance, it can serve to distort it and blow it out of proportion.  It's almost as if by reenacting the same argument over and over again, it's etching a rut in her brain.  In fact, I might see it as a maladjusted coping mechanism.  She's dredging up an incident from childhood because it's bizarrely comforting to her, in rehashing the same old argument.  She's replayed it in her mind so many times that she wants the opportunity to showcase her perfected rage with you.  She's making you out to be a bigger and bigger villain at each successive telling of the story.  Anything to avoid dealing with her real issues of today, and to avoid taking responsibility for HER life and HER decisions.

So I guess my advice is, if you're tired of being her punching bag, exit the conversation as silently and neutrally as possible.  Give her a time out, and don't interrupt it if you can.  (Don't tell her you're giving her a time out; just make up a short excuse, "Gotta run now," or maybe "I need some air, talk to you later.")  Your daughter likely needs time and space to cool down.  Try to engage only when she's calm.  If she dredges up the past again, you might try to say something like, "I can't change the past; let's talk about something else," or "Let's stay focussed on today."  Sometimes with my BPD stepdaughter, I might say something stronger like, "There's nothing I can say to make it better," or "We never get anywhere with this conversation, maybe you need to discuss it with your therapist."  You see, she has ZERO INTEREST in learning your perspective, getting an apology from you, finding resolution, looking forward or repairing the relationship.  Why?  Her entire narrative is designed to blame-shift and avoid what's really bothering her.  So I think you need to exit the conversation and wait until she has calmed down.

Hope that perspective helps a little.  Welcome back.

[LazyAtoms]

Hi!  I am very sorry to hear about your situation, I had to respond, as soon as I read "accountable", (mine is such a long story, I will just "cut" to the chase!) my, now, 25 y/o daughter w/BPD & I went through a similar situation (I was her "favorite" person) from the beginning of her diagnosis (4 years ago) she called/texted me CONSTANTLY (not complaining, just stating a fact) she had me sleep over, gave me a set of keys (in case she "overdosed!" (had me take 1/2 of her pills & hide KNIVES) or she would ask me to come over & sit with her if she (example, was putting clothes away) in those 4 years, there were countless episodes of BPD (I had never heard of this prior, took classes at our local NAMI, read all of the books she suggested, so...I have a basic "understanding" of the cycle (?); nearly 4 years ago, I came over her apartment, at her request and she said, "you know you are the reason I am like this, than went on about how I was never there when she was a child, or was not "present"; because I worked all of the time (she said it in a very cruel way) through my BPD "research" I was "taught" not to argue, so, I just said, do you want to elaborate, she basically said, I was "smothering her" and she needed space, well....throughout these 4 years, we have texted, a bit (she told me NOT to call her or she would get a restraining order), I have wracked my brain....what did I miss? what could I have done better? should I reach out (say....want to get together?) add to this, she only associates with my mother, sister and her aunt (who she DESPISED as a child (until this past year), in any case, I found a therapist who specializes in BPD; I feel guilty when I feel happy, etc.  I don't know that I have any advice, other than, you are NOT alone in this "club noone wants to be in!) I DO hope things turn around for you

Thank you so much for responding.  Yes, I would say I too was always the important person to my daughter.  I divorced her dad when she was 7 and we had joint custody for many years, but they fought all the time and she moved in with me full time when she was 15. She has not spoken to her dad since.  I should say that she has an older sibling who I have a perfectly good relationship with.  She has a long history of friend and relationships blowups.  In the past she has acknowledged her anger issues, but now she gets to make me the villain for "making her that way".   I have apologized multiple times for not understanding what she needed as a child, but it doesn't matter.

This is definitely a club I do not want to be in.  For years and years I was waiting until my stepchild turned 18 so we would not have to deal with their BPD mom anymore.  Then they turned 19, then a few months later she took her own life, and then a few months after that my daughter split on me.  This feels mentally and emotionally relentless and my nervous system has been on overdrive for years now.

[LazyAtoms]

Hi LazyAtoms,

I'm sorry you're back here after a long hiatus.  You must be tired of the constant strife.  That your husband's ex committed suicide is a stressful event for your family, even if she wasn't actively present in your family's life lately.  Like you wrote, it's horrible and a whole other topic, but it's a relevant backdrop.

Let's focus on your daughter for the moment.  There's not a ton of information for me to go on in your post, but if she's smart, functioning at college and working part-time, she has a whole lot going for her.  If she's avoiding major troubles--evictions, failing classes, dropping out of school, making threats to family and friends, cutting, attempting suicide, landing in the hospital, DUIs, self-medicating with illicit substances, seeming delusional, neglecting her personal hygiene, acting completely unhinged--that's positive in my opinion.  Indeed, your daughter might be hyper-sensitive, emotionally clingy and insecure, but some people are like that.  I think you might ask yourself, is your daughter's emotional instability disrupting her day-to-day life, across the board?  I mean, maybe she has a fight with you from time to time, but is she able to keep her friends, stay in touch with other family members, complete her studies, keep her job, and continue to live her life, even if it looks like she's muddling through it?  I think that many teens and emerging adults try to separate from their parents in college, even if, in many respects, they are still dependent on them.  In fact, I happen to think that struggling is good for your daughter, because as she learns to problem-solve and muddle through things, she builds resilience, confidence and some mental toughness.  You might remind her of that from time to time.

On the other hand, I think that emerging adulthood is an especially difficult time for pwBPD.  I'll repeat here what I wrote a while back concerning my theories about why that is; apologies to the regular readers for the repeat.

When your daughter is accusing you of not being accountable for "ruining" her life, she is blame-shifting.  She's not really mad at you for what she's accusing you of, even if that is what she THINKS she's mad about.  I bet what's really bugging her is fear about the future.  She knows she's an adult in age, but she still feels like a dependent adolescent, and it's killing her.  She doesn't really know who she is (she lacks a stable identity), and she doesn't have stable relationships (friends, co-workers, family, romantic partner).  Without the high school routine that was forced upon her, she feels rudderless.  Is she having trouble in college, and does she have a hard time finding or keeping a job?  Has she lost all her friends?  She is discovering that she's not functioning well as an adult, and that makes her feel SCARED as well as inferior.  "Everyone else" seems to have an easy time making friends, finishing college and/or working, whereas she completely falls apart.  This induces in her a deep SHAME.  Rather than take setbacks in stride (failing a class isn't the end of the world; fights with friends can happen, but apologizing goes a long way; everyone has to start at the bottom in the work world; getting fired isn't such a big deal, there are a million other jobs out there), and rather than take some responsibility (I'll never make any money or friends if I lie in my childhood bed all day), she regresses in AVOIDANCE.  What does she do?  She dredges up ancient history from childhood and blames her dysfunction on that--terrible/unsupportive/abusive family members, they are the ones who make her dysfunctional.  This thought pattern makes her MAD, because she doesn't have what she wants today.  When she sees you, she sees an opportunity to lash out and unleash all this anger and frustration onto you.  If you're up for listening to her, you become her punching bag.  This is all just to avoid acting like an adult and taking responsibility for her life and her decisions.  That is simply too scary.  She RESENTS you because she still NEEDS you desperately, and it's killing her inside.  She's showing the classic, trauma-based response of fight or flight.  She's fighting with you, and then taking flight, to avoid the stresses of adult life.  Does that sound about right?

On top of that, generally speaking, her expectations are totally unreasonable and unrealistic.  I think this is rooted in adolescent or childish thinking patters.  She's impatient.  She's demanding.  She  expects adults to over-function for her.  She still expects to be the center of attention at all times.  She expects too much devotion from friends.  She pines for long summer vacations and hours of daily idle time.  She wants to make decisions, but if something goes wrong, she expects you to face the consequences and "rescue" her, because you "owe" her.  Now, when she was a kid, this was normal.  But now that she's an adult, she's having trouble adjusting her expectations, and at the same time, her childish expectations simply aren't being met.  She still probably expects that you continue to pay most or all of her living expenses.  She refuses to be confined to a budget.  She's resistant to doing adult administrative tasks, and she's frightened because she doesn't necessarily have the know-how, either (since others have over-functioned for her for years).  She's afraid to ask for help, say from a friend or an employer, because she'd be "exposed" for her lack of knowledge, for the fraud she feels she is.  She wasn't really prepared to do autonomous, self-guided study in college, or to be responsible for her own meals and daily routine, or to figure out how to apply for jobs, or even how to accept coaching from a supervisor.  Any "criticism" would be taken personally, and she'd completely fall apart.  I bet she hasn't really embraced the notion that she's responsible for herself now, because she's probably blaming you, full-time.  Let me guess, your daughter says she suffers from anxiety?  She feels "overwhelmed" by normal, emerging adulthood tasks?  My bet is that's because she feels incompetent, inferior and scared.  She's so afraid of a failing and a little stress that she gives up before she even tries, and to cope, she's lashing out at you.  Does this sound familiar?  If it does, it's because it's classic BPD in my opinion.  This is why I think that age 22-25 is probably the "worst" age for BPD:  because the young adult is bumping up against adulthood with the emotional skills of a tween or teen at best.

Now for the validation question.  I know we're supposed to validate feelings (shame, anger, distress, disappointment, etc.).  But I've observed a few things when trying to validate someone with BPD.  First is, I think that what they profess to complain about isn't necessarily the underlying problem.  I think the BPD brain will dredge up an unrelated incident in order to deflect from the real issue (a disappointment, feeling inferior, feeling incompetent, feeling rudderless, feeling lonely, etc.).  So if you try to validate their narrative, it doesn't work, because you're validating the wrong thing!  Second, I think that by validating an ancient grievance, it can serve to distort it and blow it out of proportion.  It's almost as if by reenacting the same argument over and over again, it's etching a rut in her brain.  In fact, I might see it as a maladjusted coping mechanism.  She's dredging up an incident from childhood because it's bizarrely comforting to her, in rehashing the same old argument.  She's replayed it in her mind so many times that she wants the opportunity to showcase her perfected rage with you.  She's making you out to be a bigger and bigger villain at each successive telling of the story.  Anything to avoid dealing with her real issues of today, and to avoid taking responsibility for HER life and HER decisions.

So I guess my advice is, if you're tired of being her punching bag, exit the conversation as silently and neutrally as possible.  Give her a time out, and don't interrupt it if you can.  (Don't tell her you're giving her a time out; just make up a short excuse, "Gotta run now," or maybe "I need some air, talk to you later.")  Your daughter likely needs time and space to cool down.  Try to engage only when she's calm.  If she dredges up the past again, you might try to say something like, "I can't change the past; let's talk about something else," or "Let's stay focussed on today."  Sometimes with my BPD stepdaughter, I might say something stronger like, "There's nothing I can say to make it better," or "We never get anywhere with this conversation, maybe you need to discuss it with your therapist."  You see, she has ZERO INTEREST in learning your perspective, getting an apology from you, finding resolution, looking forward or repairing the relationship.  Why?  Her entire narrative is designed to blame-shift and avoid what's really bothering her.  So I think you need to exit the conversation and wait until she has calmed down.

Hope that perspective helps a little.  Welcome back.

Thank you so much CC for your thoughtful response.  Yes, my daughter does have a lot of things going for her.  She is responsible and manages school and work well, although she is hyper perfectionist and takes any feedback from professors in a very oversensitive way.  She received some constructive feedback from a work supervisor that was also paired with positive feedback and she was crushed for days.  She has had many friend group blowups that were devastasting to her.   Mostly because she has this sense of “justice” and “fairness” and if she feels that person violated that, then she becomes extremely angry, vindictive and punitive. It is honestly scary to be around her sometimes.

She is already diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and OCD. She told me herself she thinks she might have BPD, and husband (her stepdad) and I agree.   Her issues really manifest in personal relationships mostly. She is hyper critical of everyone. No one can meet her standards.  She does not perceive how irritable and rude she can be, and makes assumptions about everyone’s intent that is uniformly negative.   She claims she is working that in therapy and is building resilience; she claims I am weak and not resilient because I cannot handle her anger at me and won’t admit I am wrong.

I do believe she has deep shame on a lot of levels.  She has told me before that she has intrusive thoughts that she is a bad person. I know this is awful for her, and I wish I could take that pain away.  I am sure it is because of her unstable sense of self… many times she has told me stories about personas she puts on in new groups of people etc.  I have always tried to be kind and understanding about this, but now what has happened is that I am the cause of all of us to her, I am the villain, so now I can no longer be there for her.

She has now started referring to anything kind, loving or positive I ever did as the “bare minimum”.  Which serves the purpose of painting me all black I guess.  At the moment she cannot seem to hold two things at once to be true “Mom did not understand my emotional needs and that invalidated me”AND “Mom tried her best to help me and she is not a bad person”.

She also does struggle with overwhelm at adulting tasks. I have been there helping her with things the entire time, but recently she got mad that I missed her call (before she cut me off) and claimed she had to deal with herself, like always. WHAT?!

“She's making you out to be a bigger and bigger villain at each successive telling of the story.  Anything to avoid dealing with her real issues of today, and to avoid taking responsibility for HER life and HER decisions.”

YES! This is exactly what seems to be happening! And you are right- I have apologized in a 100 different ways and she says they are all insufficient or don’t take real accountability.  I don’t think she wants to stop being angry at me, because feeling sorry for herself about her terrible parents serves her needs much better right now.

My therapist, my husband and anyone else who knows her just think I need to step back and work on the radical acceptance part.  I guess I will just keep doing that.

[BPDstinks]

when my (I think the phrase is pw/BPD) was diagnosed, I than got to thinking, like you said, about past relationships, she always had ONLY one friend, at a time, these were very intense friendships, like they were ALWAYS together, eventually, for "some" reason, the friends "left", the very last friend flat out said, "I cannot deal with "this" and took a "break" I am EMBARRASED to admit, at this point, I do not know WHERE my pw/BPD lives!  She "ghosted" me, her father (he was the first to "go" (right before the space "issue" at Christmas, he was not allowed over her apartment (it was just awful, he CRIED (to this day, he just will NOT understand when I explain the BPD) (it was a terrible Christmas, I got her gifts she said she WANTED & she would push them aside, (I know there is reference to spending elaborately) she got me so many gifts it was overwhelming, very expensive items, when I would comment she said "that is what happens when you take the time to pick out things you know people like" (ouch!) anyway! she cut off her BEAUTIFUL nieces (we practically raised the oldest....so sad, she asks about her all the time), she quit her wonderful job, dropped out of college, has had 3 inpatient stints (those are awful); well...I digress!  I just agree that it makes ZERO sense; I read that one can "grieve someone still alive" that is how I feel, all of her friends are now getting married or beginning their families...mental health is a BEAST

[CC43]

Wow, lots of great insights here.  My sense is that you have a good handle on what is going on.  If only you could help your daughter feel better . . .

Anyway, I have a few observations.  Let's see:

"Her issues really manifest in personal relationships mostly. She is hyper critical of everyone. No one can meet her standards."  Indeed.  I think pwBPD suffer from a "permafrost" attitude, percieving negativity and ill intent almost everywhere.  It's probably part of the black-and-white thinking, but in my experience, their thinking is overwhelmingly BLACK.  Granted, there might be glimpses of white, but they usually involve what I call "fantasy" thinking, as in, pwBPD wants to move to another city as soon as possible, believing that her life will magically get better, because the grass is always greener on the other side.  Lots of color analogies here, but I think you'll get what I mean.

"She claims she is working that in therapy and is building resilience; she claims I am weak and not resilient because I cannot handle her anger at me and won’t admit I am wrong."  OK, two things here.  First, she's working in therapy, and that is a very positive sign.  That she's calling out "building resilience" sounds to me like her therapist has her working on the right things!  You see, she's not emphasizing desconstructing her terrible childhood; it's more about handling her day-to-day emotions (based on my reading).  Second, your daughter is accusing you of being weak and unable to handle anger.  If you think that's poppycock, then it's a sure sign that she's PROJECTING onto you.  I think her words are actually code for, "I'm weak and can't handle my anger."  If you are on the lookout for projection, for any accusations that seem totally off-base, then it's easier not to take your daughter's words so personally, and maybe not be so reactive to them.  In fact, I think if you listen for projections, more often than not, you can see what's bugging your daughter.  That's because she's so worried about her shortcomings that she's ruminating about them constantly, and they are always top-of-mind, which is why they emerge as projections onto you.  Does that make sense?

"I do believe she has deep shame on a lot of levels.  She has told me before that she has intrusive thoughts that she is a bad person."  OK, that's understandable, but it's also progress in my opinion.  She has taken a temporary break from blaming you and shows some self-reflection.  The thing is though, just like she's hard on everyone else, she's too hard on herself.  She hasn't learned yet to contextualize, to have perspective, to take the good with the bad, etc.  She ruminates excessively, which makes things worse than they already are.  My opinion is that she needs to spend less time thinking and more time DOING.  Otherwise, she carves a negative thinking rut into her brain.  Instead, she needs to work to get past the past, which she can't change anyway, and look forward.

"I am sure it is because of her unstable sense of self… many times she has told me stories about personas she puts on in new groups of people etc."  Indeed this is typical for pwBPD in my opinion--not being sure about their likes and dislikes, trying out new personas in order to fit in, mirroring other people to be accepted.  While there's a certain amount of experimentation in adolescence which is completely normal, I think that for pwBPD, it can be disorienting.  In college and in early careers, they feel rudderless, with no clear idea about what major to choose, what sort of career to pursue, what they're good at, etc.  I think they're more likely to do things because their friends do it, than out of any genuine interest.  And if the friend group isn't the best, then that can spell trouble.

As an aside, one time I sat with my BPD adult stepdaugther and encourged her to complete a questionnaire about basic likes and dislikes (e.g. writing, being outdoors, talking with other people, working with your hands, building things) that could match her with potential careers.  I started by saying, "There are no wrong answers here; just be honest, and it will be fun to see what sorts of jobs pop up, OK?"  For context, I did this exercise with her because she was totally lost about what sort of job to pursue.  Well, I was ASTOUNDED at how she didn't seem to know who she was, and by how she answered some questions.  She seemed totally, utterly clueless, and sometimes completely wrong, if that makes any sense.  Like, she thinks she's "personable" and "outgoing."  Not by a long shot.

"She also does struggle with overwhelm at adulting tasks. I have been there helping her with things the entire time."  Indeed, my pwBPD really struggles with adulting tasks.  She needs lots and lots of downtime.  But to some extent, I think she's had trouble BECAUSE her parents over-functioned for her for an extended time.  One example is household chores; she didn't have any responsibilities for chores growing up.  So I think when she went to college, she completely broke down, uncertain of how to do her laundry, clean her room or manage her schedule, let alone study independently, let alone juggle everything simultaneously.  Unfortunately, because she's so moody, and she tends to blame other people for her problems, it takes her extra-long to figure out how to manage some daily tasks.  And like your daughter, she needs to work on resilience--not letting little setbacks derail her.

Just my two cents.