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Author Topic: Beginning to think its time to go  (Read 412 times)
Yaffle
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« on: February 16, 2017, 08:14:03 AM »

I've posted on the staying/improving board in the past and while I've not improved our relationship (I'm not very good at saying things in the right way to not trigger her) I have managed to cope a lot better myself and understand what is going on so I haven't felt the need to post on there for a while but our relationship is taking a big downward course at the moment and I don't really see things improving.

I live with my uBPD girlfriend and our two children.  We've been together 10+ years and she's always been quite fiery while I'm very quiet.  I used to do a lot to keep things peaceful so I've cut down on the sport I play and my socialising etc.  Things took a turn for the worse when GFs father died and I don't really think she's come to terms with it.  I eventually left for about 10 days but went back as I hadn't got my families total support; they were concerned about the children.  Having read about BPD not long after moving back in I've generally been coping although my life is no where near it should be.

Anyway, over the last couple of months things have gone down hill.  Her mother has had some health worries, its been the anniversary of her fathers death and she's lost her job.  I'm guessing this has all made her feel really low and she's been blaming me for it.  Almost every night for the last couple of months she's ended up raging at me, often for hours at a time.  Its not so much what she says that's bothering me, more the time of day as its usually quite late at night, meaning that by the time I've relaxed I'm not able to get enough sleep.  I'm also drinking more than I should to help relax as quickly as possible after she's finally gone to bed.

I was hoping that things would get better when she found a job but I'm beginning to think that's a forlorn hope, then last night may have been the final straw. 

Its a school holiday here at the moment and GF and the kids had been invited round to a school friends so they could play together while the mother and GF had a glass of wine or two.  We didn't discuss what time they would be back and as its the holidays I wasn't bothered if the kids were going to have a bit of a late night and stay round there after there bed times (8.30pm ish).  Anyway it got to 9-9.30 and I was thinking surely they'll be home soon, nope.  Ten o'clock arrived and they still hadn't returned home.  At 10.20 I sent a text just to try and get in contact but heard nothing back.  At 10.30 I sent a message asking if everything was ok but still heard nothing back and the same at 10.45.  I tried calling at 11.20 and again at 11.45 but got no answer.  They eventually cam home just before midnight.  No apology for not being in contact or anything.  In fact all I got was 'I've had the kids all day so you can put them to bed' snapped at me, followed by various suggestions that I was saying bad things to the kids about her. 

Its just made me realise how selfish she is and I don't think I can put up with that and may start planning on how to get out but don't really know where to start.
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formflier
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2017, 10:16:57 AM »


Contact a lawyer... .several.  Interview them and ask if they have experience in "high conflict" custody (since there is not a marriage).

You need to fully understand your legal rights... and prepare to defend them.

Seriously... .step 1 is to fully understand from a legal point of view what leaving looks like.  Get ready but don't file... .now you are really ready to think deeply.

Next... have you ever done therapy?  For you? 

This is big life decision.  Not one to rush.  A T can help you sort through this and will also help you evaluate how much to involve (if at all) your family in the decision to split.

And to wrap things up... .while you are there... .stand up for yourself more... .more boundaries.  AND... .learn how to reach out to her in a healthy way to see if you can take some of her load off... while she grieves.

You have a lot on your plate... .  What do you do for self care?

FF

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Yaffle
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« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2017, 11:05:38 AM »

Thanks for the reply.  Plenty to think about!

For myself I play football and pool once a week (on the same night), have a game of golf every couple of months and read whenever I can.  When I was particularly low I did get some help from the doctor but I felt the help I was getting wasn't suited to me.  Trying to make me feel better about myself which wasn't really the issue.  Dealing with the conflict was the issue.

Setting boundaries is something I struggle with.  One I could really do with is that when she's raging at me I'll say I'm not continuing the conversation if you're speaking to me like that and leave the room but she just follows me everywhere; even if I go and sit in the kids bedrooms where they are sleeping and if I walk out of the house it gets noted in her little note book that I've stormed out and am never there for her.  She then tells me that she's told all her friends and any mutual friends what I've done!  I don't like walking out as it means leaving her with the kids and she's also locked me out a few times.  It also costs more money than I can really afford as I usually end up popping to a pub as there's not really any where else to go at that time of day.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2017, 12:00:08 PM »

Hey Yaffle, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, which reminds me a lot of what I experienced in my marriage.  My BPDxW used to rage at me late at night, sometimes all night, after she had been drinking.  I ended up in a state of exhaustion, mentally and physically.  Suggest you be careful, because you can't go on like this indefinitely without negative consequences to your health.  The place to start, in my view, is with yourself.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  Try to be good to yourself while you figure out the right path for you.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Yaffle
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« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2017, 04:40:12 PM »

The ideal situation would be for her to 'sort herself out' so we could just live some sort of normal life for the kids sake even if I don't really want to be with her but deep down I don't really believe that's ever gonna happen but I sort of carry on living in hope.  Looking from the outside I think it's pretty obvious I should go but then what do I do about the kids?  She spends a lot of time telling them how good a mum she is and they do love her to bits but in the long run is she good for them?  I'd hate for them to have no contact with her but at the same time I don't trust her to bring them up responsibly.  She's always trying to buy their affection with presents etc and compares what she buys them with what I buy them to prove she's a better parent.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2017, 03:14:31 PM »

Yeah, you know better than to believe that ideal situation is going to happen.

I will say that if you refuse to tolerate bad behavior, and enforce healthy boundaries against it, that will change the game, and will put pressure on her.

In essence, she has emotional distress... .and has very unhealthy coping mechanisms which involve taking it out on you.

You can make yourself unavialable as an emotional punching bag, and that means she can no longer use that coping mechanism.

At that point, the emotional distress she's feeling still exists, and she has to find or use another coping mechanism instead. She might pick healthier ones and start to improve or seek ways to improve. It is possible.

No guarantees that anything good will come of it... .but if you don't change, I pretty much guarantee that nothing with her will improve!
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Yaffle
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« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2017, 06:25:05 PM »

I'm awful at enforcing boundaries much as I try.  I always say I'm not putting up with the way she speaks to me etc and if it carries on I'm walking away but she follows me everywhere round the house and if I walk out I get castigated for leaving in her time of need. 
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formflier
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« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2017, 06:38:23 PM »

  castigated 

What if you didn't participate in castigating... .?  What would that look like?

FF
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2017, 07:22:34 PM »

I'm awful at enforcing boundaries much as I try.  I always say I'm not putting up with the way she speaks to me etc and if it carries on I'm walking away but she follows me everywhere round the house and if I walk out I get castigated for leaving in her time of need. 

First off, you don't "say" as much as you "do". Let the breeze as you fly out the door announce that you aren't going to be spoken to... .instead of saying it while your actions contradict you!

Second, and this is key--you don't have to convince her that there is anything good, right, just, fair, decent about you enforcing a boundary. Heck, she can think you are a serial killer because you are enforcing a boundary!

All you have to convince her is that you WILL enforce the boundary, right, or wrong.

Remember--if you are arguing with her about whether you can/should/are wrong about/etc enforcing the boundary, then you are letting her pull you into an argument and YOU AREN'T ENFORCING THE BOUNDARY!
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