Help, I’m so mixed up

[Csj]

 I’ve went through multiple estrangements with my daughter lasting initially a few months.   After my son died 12 years ago there was a 5 year stretch she was absent from entire family.  When she “came back” she was upset because I wasn’t “close to her” like my nieces (who lived with me growing up).  I told her that our relationship would always be superficial unless we did therapy together, work through what caused her estrangement, and pain from it.  Til that happened we couldn’t be close.   For 5 years I made the offer multiple times and would cover the cost because I desired to be closer which she adamantly refused to do therapy with me.  
There was another blow up when I refused to go along/agree with a lie she was trying to spin concerning an affair she had that was causing her divorce.  This led to another estrangement, this one has been for 1.5 yrs.  She has berated me publicly and privately.  Even though she got a divorce, her ex supported her and really tried to help her despite pain she’d cause him.  He recently had his fill when she started publicly accusing him of things that are not true.  He evicted her from an apartment he had been letting her stay in.  He let me know what was going on, how her behavior was escalating, and what he was doing.  I did a legal commitment on her because she was posting news clips about suicide and some other concerning things after he evicted her.  I let her stay with me til bed became ready at the crisis unit.  Told her she couldn’t live with me.  I don’t trust her.  She has rages where she says the most hateful and hurtful things.   The only reason she reached out to me is because she’s burned bridges with all her immediate family and what friends she had have distanced themselves from her.  
She was discharged this past week and left without having housing arranged/lied and said she had a friend that was taking her in.  
I’m currently getting her car serviced and hopefully will be ready today. My nieces partner is putting her up in a hotel for the week til her car gets ready then she can live in her car.
She really hasn’t apologized for anything (and there’s a lot of pain she’s caused) but she’s willing to go to counseling now when it’s been complete refusal for over 10 years.   Her ex husband went against her wishes before he evicted her and brought kids over to my house a couple of times.  
I feel bad for her, and especially feeling the guilt trip about “your my mother and should help her only daughter, only living child who’s at the worst point in her life”.  
Doesn’t understand why I don’t want her living with me after all the help my mother has given me through the years.   I know the only reason she’s speaking to me is because of her current circumstances.  I want to help her but she still doesn’t acknowledge her responsibility or take any accountability for the pain and lies.   Says she does.   I’m on eggshells when she’s around and physically ill from the stress of it.  My nieces who have been there for me throughout all these years.  Since they lived with me also, they know how I was when they were children and as adults.  One of them asked her to please explain what kind of trauma did I cause her because she didn’t see anything.  Which she replied that it was because I worked all the time.  (I was a single parent raising 4 kids) They (my nieces) were there for me grieving the loss of my son and grieving the living death of my daughter.   My daughter would make posts about being “an orphan”.  
They are all in their mid to late 30s now.  My nieces don’t want their children around her because of her behavior.  
I struggle with wanting to help my daughter and let her live with me but I know her behavior and my home wouldn’t be a peaceful place.  I’d be limiting who would come to my home because others in family don’t want to be around her or have their kids around her.  
Her ex husband has a temporary restraining order against her that includes the children and full custody.   He’s also charged her with defamation and harassment lawsuit.  He asked me if I’d supervise visits with her and kids. Crazy how she’s called unsafe so much but I’m safe enough to supervise her visits.  
I know this can be seen as a “bottom” and I’m not helping her by giving her a “safe place” to rest and restore.    I feel terrible for not “being the mother she needs right now” and wonder if this really is a moment of change.   But also have the fear of a rage attack when I don’t respond just so….
Thanks for helping me to know I’m not alone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

I feel terrible for not “being the mother she needs right now” and wonder if this really is a moment of change.  

Hello and welcome to the family.  You are certainly not alone and so many of us have faced the exact same obstacles.

Let me ask you, what type of mother do you think she needs right now?

From what you've shared, it sounds like you'd answer that by saying a mom that would let her stay with you, a mom that will fix her problems, a mom that would put up with her abuse, etc.

But is that the mom she actually needs?

What if she were a drug addict, begging for money to buy more drugs?  Would the mom she needs be a person who would buy her drugs that could kill her, or a mom that would insist that she gets into rehab?  Because in all honesty, that's exactly the same as your situation.  The mom she needs is the one who will enforce healthy boundaries and hold her accountable for the mess she's created on her own.

Why?  Because she has to want to make internal changes to actually start getting better.  She has to take therapy and medication seriously.  She has to work through this stuff, even though it's her greatest fear in life.  Nothing changes until she's ready to make those active changes from within.

If a mom allows a person like that to sleep in their home while paying their bills and making everything the best it can be, then where's the need for that person to change?  If things are bad, she can say that it's not her fault- it's your fault and her ex husband's fault.  You guys did this to her....she's the poor blameless victim.  That's the crux of the disorder, blaming everyone else so you don't have to take personal accountability.

I would encourage you to be the mom she actually needs...which is not going to be the mom she wants.  This is not about wants though or what makes her feel better today, this is about baby steps towards lifelong changes that can turn all of this around and let her become a productive member of society. 

My 27 year old BPD daughter was told last month by her therapist that they probably need to end therapy soon because it's not really needed any longer, she thinks my kid is stable and fully in remission.  We couldn't imagine that three or four years ago, but she's put in the work and is coming out on the other side of this.  There's still problems at times and she still grossly overreacts every now and then, but she now has the coping skills to work through it without the scorched earth approach.

Your kid can get there too, but it's 100% on her to put in the work.  So be the mom that encourages that work and doesn't enable her to avoid it.

[ForeverDad]

I know this can be seen as a “bottom” and I’m not helping her by giving her a “safe place” to rest and restore.

A lot of people will say, When they hit bottom then they will recover.  It's not as simple as that.  In our cases, with persistent disordered perceptions in their lives, no one knows how many bottoms it will take before real recovery and improvement occur... if ever.

Her ex husband has a temporary restraining order against her that includes the children and full custody.   He’s also charged her with defamation and harassment lawsuit.  He asked me if I’d supervise visits with her and kids. Crazy how she’s called unsafe so much but I’m safe enough to supervise her visits.

Generally, letting family or friends administer supervised visits can be opening a bag of worms.  A better option is to engage professionals to handle such visits, if locally available.

As for repairing her car, it may be helpful if... it helps her start and stick to a better path in life.  Otherwise it could be ultimately enabling her to sit back and expect others to rescue her.