Daughter reporting me to the police

[onetiredmomma]

I had to kick my daughter out about a month ago for behaviors that are putting me and my other kids in danger. She will be 19 in December. We have put her in to treatment centers, hospitals, substance abuse groups, until she turned 18. Her behaviors continue to escalate: Using multiple substances, making very risky sexual choices, and being extremely verbally abusive to me. Yesterday, four police officers showed up at my house. My daughter had called them to do a welfare check telling them that I was drinking, doing drugs, experiencing mania, and threatening suicide. NONE of this is true and the cops seem unconcerned. When I confronted her about it she screamed in to her phone: "sit down and shut the F#$* up. Buckle your seatbelt, put on your big girl pants and stop acting like a pathetic teenage girl" With a lot of other horrible words and name calling thrown in for good measure. I do NOT understand, no  matter how much I read, and boundaries I try to set, she is bound and determined to punish me. I did disconnect her cell service, but beyond cutting her completley out for a while, I do not know what to do! Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

Yesterday, four police officers showed up at my house. My daughter had called them to do a welfare check telling them that I was drinking, doing drugs, experiencing mania, and threatening suicide. NONE of this is true and the cops seem unconcerned.

This is, to a large extent, sheer projection of her own life.   While it does not make sense to relatively normal people like us, in her mind and her perceptions its okay that she retaliates with such vitriol and vehemence.

I am concerned that her claims may trigger investigations into the parenting of your other children.  Not that there is basis, but the various agencies involved probably have policies to investigate even unsubstantiated allegations.  Be aware.  Beware of even your own daughter.  This is beyond just discord and rebellion.  She has driven the conflict to a higher level by involving the police and perhaps social services in the future.

When I confronted her about it she screamed in to her phone: "sit down and shut the F#$* up. Buckle your seatbelt, put on your big girl pants and stop acting like a pathetic teenage girl" With a lot of other horrible words and name calling thrown in for good measure.

Honestly, looking back, why were you expecting a rational response?  Of course, you are not her enemy, but she has cast you as that in her own mind.

If you are paying anything else besides phones, such as internet, rent, car insurance, food, etc then be prepared you may need to end all financial aid to her since it may be enabling her to sabotage you.

Realistically, you may need to sever contact with her, for your own protection and your other children's protection.  You may decide to record any future contact so that you have proof (1) you didn't do anything wrong and (2) you weren't the aggressive one.

[CC43]

Hi Momma,

I'm so sorry the situation with your daughter continues to get worse.  That you kicked your daughter out of your home indicates to me she really is teetering on the edge.  But I commend you for protecting yourself and your family from your daughter's chaos.  That must have been really hard for you.  At the same time, you had to do it, not only to protect you, but also to protect the rest of your family.  Had you allowed your daughter to continue to live with you while she was being abusive is actually worse for her in the long run in my opinion, because you'd be teaching her that abuse is OK.  In addition, you'd be enabling dysfunction, all the while your daughter would continue to blame you for all her problems.  Only when she leaves your home and she's on her own does she have a chance to realize that YOU aren't creating a mess of her life, she is.  But while she's living with you in chaos, she'll continue to blame you.  I hope you trust me on this.

One thing I notice in your post is projection.  My guess is that your daughter is probably consumed with thoughts of self-hatred, and she has extremely low self esteem.  One aspect of BPD is perceiving the world in extreme, all black or all white terms (though overwhelmingly black), even when it comes to self-perception.  I think that everything she said about you is likely code for what she thinks about herself.  That she's basically telling you to grow up and stop acting pathetic really means she thinks she thinks she's childish, and it's killing her inside.  She's so consumed with these thoughts that they emerge as projections when she screams at you.  I know this because my adult BPD stepdaugher says the exact same sort of thing.

Doing some more mind reading here, what I see is that your daughter feels like she has no control over her life, and in response she's acting out and trying to control YOU (e.g. Sit down, Shut up, etc.).  Does that sound about right?  Once you understand projection, I think it's easier to understand what's going on with your daughter, as well as not to take her insults so personally.  Even so, it still hurts tremendously to see her so unhinged.

Alas, your daughter's maladjusted way of coping with her stress and disappointments is to lash out at you, because you're probably the only person left in the world who will listen to her.  I think your daughter's rages are an outlet for her pent-up anger, frustration and shame.  By the same token, she's trying to make you feel the extent of her own anguish, by punishing you, as if that will make her feel better.  As you know, it doesn't work.

My opinion is that at the root of all this is a victim mindset.  She perceives life as an endless series of traumas caused by other people, while she refuses to take any responsibility for her own choices and actions.  She expects others to change, not her, which, by the way, is why therapy probably won't work when she's thinking this way.  She also expects too much of others--to provide for her, to take care of her, to make her the center of attention, as if she's still a little girl--leading her to be constantly disappointed.  Though she probably often declares, "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want," she hasn't internalized yet that she IS responsible for herself now, and if she wants something, she has to make it happen herself.  Instead, she's discovering she isn't functioning well as an adult, and so she'll blame YOU, for a terrible childhood, for kicking her out, for not giving her money, for ruining her life, etc.  Basically she's acting like a tween or toddler:  being demanding, impatient, irresponsible, getting easily frustrated and throwing tantrums.  But technically she's an adult and can drive, use credit cards, have dangerous sex and get herself into big trouble.

How to handle all this?  I'd invite you to look at the boards for some ideas.  Maybe if I have some time later I'll give you some thoughts.

All the best to you.