Wife escalated to physical attack after I set boundary

[xios]

I have set a boundary of not speaking to her when she gets mad or tries to force me to do what she says.
Even if I enforced that a few times successfully, it never solved anything, I just managed to get some breathing space before the next storm.

I also had just started enforcing a limit, I limited my time with her spending Monday to Friday in another house, as I worked from home and she constantly disturbed me throughout the day, preventing me from working, so I lost several jobs and my career got ruined eventually.

She also deprived me of sleep, that is why I started sleeping in this new house too.

She hated that after several warnings I actually moved to another house for weekdays, of course.

What happened this time was that she got madder and angrier with me refusing to do some things in our home routine in the way she wanted me to, I really believe the proper way was somehow else.

After me insisting I would not speak to her in this mood, she cornered me in a room, very angry, of course with very humiliating phrases, got closer and closer and when very close she put her arms up, to try to intimidate me with her physical presence.

I was telling her I was afraid of her and that I wanted her to leave us alone, our 3 year old toddler was behind my back all this time, hiding from her.

I then feared for the worse, and grabbed my phone and started recording video.
After some more screams she attacked me, grabbed my hand and my phone and threw it against the wall.
The video caught this.

I was already recording audio before that.

This left scratch marks in my hand, with light bleeding.

I managed to grab my phone again and started recording again, insisting on her leaving us alone.

She then told me I had 10 minutes to leave the house else she would call the police for me. What would she tell them I don't know, but she could just say she wanted me out of the house and probably they would have taken me to the police station at minimum.

So I left, am somewhere else now, filed a police report including the audio, video, and picture of my scratches.

I was already afraid of her, now I am very afraid of her.

I also feel very sad, as physical violence was the line I drew for divorce, and we had talked about this several times over the years, that we both had this line, that we would leave the other if the other had hit.
Yet she did it.
Systematically and progressively violating every limit I had.

I'm in the middle of the book "Stop caretaking for the BP...", so far it said that if abuse happened, most likely the only path forward is without that spouse.

My sadness comes mainly from my shattered dream of having a happy family, wife and kids in the same house.
We even had plans for a second kid of ours after some time.

But I have to look at her, how she actually is, right now, right in front of my eyes, and how she got worse over the years, instead of my dreamed up version of her where she is what I want or suddenly becomes what I want.
She hit me.

I know I can try again with a new wife eventually, but still this saddens me too much.
I really love being with my toddler every day.
This pains me the most. That I will no longer be with my kid daily.

[Tupla Sport]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I got a knot in my stomach reading your story. My ex used to threaten me with police too. Admittedly I did inevitably lash out which seemed to have been her plan. You are a better man than I was.

I hope you get full custody.

[ForeverDad]

Many members here have "been there, experienced that".  That was my exact situation two decades ago.  It was a trial by fire but I came out the other side with a more peaceful life.  Believe me, there is a better path forward but you have to make preparations, seek meaningful support, seek improved communication skills, and use time-tested strategies.

First question, is she getting meaningful therapy from a therapist who has used Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)?  The problem is that many people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are extremely resistant to meaningful therapy.

Even if she resists therapy, that doesn't mean that you can't seek a counselor for yourself. As my divorce lawyer said, "Courts love counseling."  Even for the children.  When I separated, my ex surprised me by starting our 3 year old in play therapy.  This is very unusual, but she was trying to accumulate negative advocates in her campaign against me.

I recommend William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  He is a lawyer, mediator and is familiar not only with the illness but also the legal pitfalls and conceptual traps when entering the legal court system.

My sadness comes mainly from my shattered dream of having a happy family, wife and kids in the same house.
We even had plans for a second kid of ours after some time.

But I have to look at her, how she actually is, right now, right in front of my eyes, and how she got worse over the years, instead of my dreamed up version of her where she is what I want or suddenly becomes what I want.
She hit me.

I really love being with my toddler every day.
This pains me the most. That I will no longer be with my kid daily.

The best advice I can give is to avoid any more children with her.  Right now your child is of an age, if divorce is the future, for daycare and soon preschool, kindergarten and regular school.  (That would reduce mother's leverage to claim, "I have babies, I can't seek work.")

Also, many BPD mothers are exceedingly possessive of the children... while simultaneously dismissive of the father.  (My divorce had virtually no financial issues - except she did want me to support her - but the custody issues and parenting schedule turned it into a two year process.)

From one of my prior replies...

She is escalating.  Unfortunately that is a common pattern we see here.  It's almost like she is pushing boundaries, as in extinction bursts, or perhaps seeking more ways to vent herself.  Either way, it is not something to ignore.

Does she have gainful employment, even part time?  The kids are all school age so she doesn't have an excuse she has to stay home and parent all day.  Even if her contributing to the family's income is not urgent, it ought to help her feel better to be keeping busy.  And if she is working, should there be a divorce, then she would have documented an ability to have her own income.

My ex too, in our final years together, would make repeated threats to either disappear with our toddler or to divorce.  I don't believe she truly planned to do so but she sure vented it.  Our son's first sentence, at breakfast after mommy stormed off to another room, was "Mommy bad."  I've always assumed he meant "Mommy feels bad" but I took it to heart that it truly impacted our son.

Your children are surely impacted too.  We don't tell our members what to do, that decision is yours alone.  We share our collective wisdom, which general approaches work and which don't, and what we've found to be helpful skills and insightful strategies.  With that in mind, here's a post I've made in years past.

All throughout our lives every comment seems to pressure us to believe that remaining together is better and a better example for our children than separating.  However - and this is a huge however - that is when the two adults are reasonably normal adults.  Throw in acting-out (harming others more than acting inward onto self) disorders and that usual advice may need examination.

There is no single fix that resolves all the concerns.  However, there are partial solutions that can improve circumstances.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together could mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc... As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."*  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.
* Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce, page 195

[ForeverDad]

I should share a bit more, nuances to your approach if pondering separation and divorce.

First, do not underestimate the extent of a spouse's obstruction and attempted sabotage.  Do not assume she will think and do as you would and default to normal reactions.  You as the reasonably normal spouse will naturally be held to a far higher standard than her.  So you can't respond to her aggression in any way that might be construed as aggressive or violent.  So imagine you have a judge looking over your shoulder 24/7.

Also, your approach to married life must change.  When trying to repair a relationship, both must be sharing information to rebuild trust.  However, if it is failing or failed, then you must be strategic is what you do or don't share.  Obviously, you do share parenting information and other necessary financial details.  But on most other matters, you must ponder twice and thrice before sharing so that your spouse has less ammunition with which to obstruct and sabotage you.  Once you have selected a lawyer you will have someone local to warn you of problematic topics.  You might be tempted to exclaim something that might enable your spouse to sabotage your legal strategies.

Similarly, you can suggest to her that you both (avoid "you" and moderate it as "we") need to see therapists to address the conflict but - this is important - do NOT mention you believe she has BPD or some other acting-out personality disorder.  And do not mention specific treatments such as DBT.  She can get triggered by almost anything you say, but at least try to avoid those particulars.

And do not forewarn her you are reading Eddy's Splitting handbook nor that you're confidentially and privately consulting with lawyers.  For many topics, it will be better to leave things guarded and unsaid.

[zachira]

Do not assume that you will not get full custody of your child. The video you have taken of your wife physically attacking you in front of your child, would be considered child abuse in some legal jurisdictions in which the child would be taken away from the abusive parent if there were any more incidents of domestic violence in front of the child. Do consult a lawyer ASAP to protect yourself, your child, and to be prepared for what might happen.