My mother

[PlanB]

I moved in with my mom 4 years ago to take care of her. She is 78. In 2019 I lived in an addition I built onto her house for 10 years. My father suddenly died in 2012 after years of struggling with my Mom who has multiple personality disorder (now called  dissociate identity disorder - I may have that wrong because I never use the new title. This mental disorder is from childhood sexual abuse and physical abuse at a very young age and all throughout her life. She now also has Borderline Personality disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  When my father died, she began verbally attacking me, and all the things that goes with that. Sh tried to evict me twice even though I was not a tenant. But it caused a lot of trauma. She went to the courthouse and asked for a protection order, that was filled with awful lies. At 1am, 5 police officers escorted me out of my house with only the clothes I was wearing. I had to check into a hotel. My son was in college studying abroad when this happened. We finally came to an agreement that she would give me $83k for my 120k I invested with the addition. So I had to move into an apartment for me, my dog and my son when he returned from college.  My Mom and I were estranged for 3 years. When my son had a medical issue, I had to call her and tell her and that was the beginning of us talking again.  Jumping ahead, we agreed that I would move to Delaware from Maryland and she would pay all bills, except my own bills, and I would contributed $800 month towards bills. It should be noted that I can’t work, the last time I worked was 10 years ago. I am currently on 14 medications. I will try to post about my issues on another post. Anyway, since I moved here to care for her, she has threatened to kick me out twice. She has threatened to change her will many times, including the house we are living in. I have so much PTSD from her impulsive destructive behavior. I lost a lot of money in lawyer fees. I have no taxable income. I get alimony and money from a judgement. About $1700 month. I’m on Medicaid which just got harder to qualify for.  Some of the things I do for her: all grocery shopping, all cooking meals and cleaning up, I do her pills every week and keep track of refills etc., ( which I do mine as well), I make and drive her to all her medical appointments. She refuses to see a therapist ( I have a weekly therapist). I have had to learn so much about her disorders, it has been helpful, I feel these books are my life story. 10 years ago a friend told me “You can’t have a reasonable conversation with someone with mental illnesses “. I think of this daily, sometimes more than daily, because it is so true. I’m struggling. There is so much more but I’ll try to post more at a later time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

You are in a challenging situation that benefits each of you.  It would cost your mother more to pay someone to do what you are doing for her.  If you were to get paid for the tasks you do for her, it could change your Medicaid qualifications.

With someone with BPD/NPD they seek control through whatever power they have. Your mother seems to hold the financial power, while you have the caregiver power. While you may not be thinking along those terms, consider you are not powerless in this situation. In actuality, your mother is dependent on you for the tasks you do- but her NPD aspect means she won't likely acknowlege that.

My BPD/with NPD mother used money as a means of control and power. Also, to avoid the appearance of being dependent and to feel superior, she could be verbally abusive to the people who were helping her the most- all the while being completely dependent on them in her elder years.

She made some poor financial decisions but we had no way to intervene- even for her own behalf. She remained legally competent and so we kids had no input to her decisions. I saw where she had redone her legal papers on time ( that I know of) and they appeared weaponized, so yes, if your mother is legally competent, she could do that.

Ultimately, if your mother is legally competent then, even if it's not fair to you, you can not count on her providing or leaving you anything. Maybe she will, but maybe she won't. On the other hand, should you decide to move out and not help her- she would also be in a difficult situation. She may threaten to kick you out, but if she knows it would be harder without you,  she may not do it---- but she won't admit to that. She needs to feel she's in power. Keep that in mind. This may be posturing.

However, you must also protect yourself. This may mean saving some of your income into an emergency fund in case she does kick you out, while still maintaining your eligibility for Medicaid. If you do inherit property or money at some point, that may impact your eligibility. Another aspect of Medicaid that might affect you, is that, if your mother is ever in a nursing home on Medicaid herself and she owns the house- Medicaid will take that to cover the costs. If she transfers it into your name it can affect her eligibilty (Medicaid look back) and possibly yours at some point. If you need to look into this situation further, a local council on elder or elder law attorney can assist you. At some point, your mother may need to assign power of attorney to you if you need to assist her beyond errands and help with medication, and if she is willing to do that.

For now, if this arrangement is working for you financially, I think your game plan is to maintain this win win situation, and keep in mind that you benefit her when she says otherwise. My BPD mother complained, said negative things to me about one of her caregivers, told me several times she was going to fire her. She never did. This woman was wonderful to her and she depended on her.

However, in this situation, you will need to help maintain your own sanity- by doing things on your own,  getting therapy,  having some "time off" from being your mother's helper. If you did have a way to move out, it would be an option, but from what it appears, it's the better one financially for the both of you.