The not answering the phone game

[GlobeTrotterGirl]

I feel like my uBPD mother makes a real game out of ignoring my calls when I ring. She doesn't do a lot, she doesn't go very far and she doesn't drive, she'll go out and about to the shops in a morning and may pop up to the cemetery to visit my dad late afternoon which is just a short few minute walk from her house

I tried to ring her repeatedly from.3pm.to 5pm (she goes to bed to watch TV with the dog at 5pm so there's no ringing her once it gets to that time) and she just doesn't answer the phone, she isn't out for two hours every afternoon and the cemetery shuts at 4pm from Oct 1st. She uses the 1471 on the phone to check if anyone has rang whilst she's been so she knows when I've rang. She's a lot darker in her moods this time of year and was cold to my brother recently for no reason! She's ready to fall out with my poor aunt again who never actually does anything wrong.

I'm.just fed up of her not answering the phone, I don't think she's out everytime I ring, I know she's sat there watching my mum re come up, it's always like this too, 8 or 9 times of ten she'll never  answer the phone but moan that people don't care about her!

Is it bad that I just can't be bothered with it any more! I'm going to send her a nice letter with a bit chocolate in because I don't want to keep ringing someone who doesn't seem to want to talk to me - until she falls out with everyone and will give me three rings to ring her back when she wants something!

She has a lot of history for making idle suicide threats and deliberately making my aunt panic because she won't answer phones. Thing is it takes so much psyching myself up to ring her because you just don't know what mental state she's going to be if she does answer! It really does make you fill.with dread!

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother did this too, for reasons I don't really know. IMHO, if she's doing this on purpose I would not send her a letter. My mother would hold on to letters, emails, and use them out of context to prove something negative, when that was not the original intent. If you want to send the chocolates, do so without any expectations of how your mother will respond.

My mother had a long term friend, since college and they were good friends. One time I was visiting when my father was ill. This friend was calling the house phone frequently and my mother would not pick up and told me not to either. I asked why and she said she was angry at this friend. I have no idea what for.

Eventually, I decided this was being cruel to the friend and answered. She was frantic - worried about my father, wanting an update. Of course she would be. She and her husband were friends with my parents for decades. They cared. I thought it was inconsiderate of my mother to not pick up the phone. Eventually she did come around and talk to her friend.

She did it with me and other family members too. In her elder years, it was concerning. Sometimes I would ask a neighbor to check on her if none of us had heard for a while. When she was in assisted living, we didn't worry like this because there were staff and nurses there checking on her. We would still call. If she picked up, fine, if not, well she didn't. Eventually she'd come around and speak to us again.

If your mother is doing well, assume she's OK. If you get worried, ask another family member to call her- if she's just ignoring you, she will pick up for them. We would do this too. If you get concerned- ask a neighbor to check on her. We knew my mother's neighbors and could call them if needed. If all is OK, maybe just still call so you know you tried. Your mother will call or pick up when she decides to.

[GlobeTrotterGirl]

I live 36 miles from.her which can be frustrating when id rather have the ability to just pop in. My brother lives ok the same town as her but he's been working away in Portugal so don't know if he's home yet - trouble is she is really good at winding him up and they end up having almighty rows! She has apparently even venomous about my aunt to him so I think she'll give my aunt grief with both barrels again before long.

It's weird isn't it how they get off on making people worry by deliberately not answering phones!
My mum and dad always had a close relationship with my dad's sister and husband, lovely people as well but my dad's sister brought my eldest brother up because my mother's mental health went to pot after she had him and after my died her and my eldest brother has some real wars with each other that they both hit trying to drag the rest of us into avd she drove my dad's sister into cutting off contact with her. She laments so much about the loss of that relationship and my uncle has since died and yet she doesn't get that her behaviour made the relationship end!

[Notwendy]

That's the sad part- it's with the people closest to them and who care the most. I did help to see this as not only personal to me when I saw her do this to her friend. This friend and her husband knew my parents since before they married. They were like another set of parents to me.

Clearly this was a close and long term friendship, probably the closest friend my mother had and yet, she would sometimes complain about this friend to me (triangulate), get angry at her. I'm amazed the friend put up with it but over the years she probably learned this is just who my mother is. Her husband and my father were good friends too.

However, a lot of other people in my mother's circle were put off by her behavior. I don't think my mother ever made the connection between her behavior and people's reactions to her.

We just has to realize this is who she is. We called because as next of kin, we needed to be sure she was OK. Sometimes she wouldn't pick up. Other times she'd answer and say she was too busy to talk, and then other times, she would talk.

It's frustrating but whatever is going on with your mother is more about her than you.

[CC43]

Hi there,

My pwBPD would do the same thing.  Typically, she'd not pick up the phone because she didn't want to talk to anyone.  In her case, it was because a question as simple as, "How are you?" was triggering, a reminder that she's NOT in a good mood.  Her general response to stress is avoidance, so avoiding talking to people, especially family, is a go-to strategy.  Frankly it's not a bad strategy in my opinion, better than having a complete telephonic meltdown.  In addition, it was as if she was purposely punishing her family with her absence / estrangement.  Yes, we were worried, and we had reason to worry, especially when her life was looking dysfunctional (no friends, no activities, messy living quarters, erratic sleep habits, etc.) and she was making suicidal threats and gestures.  But in my opinion, calling multiple times seemed like "harassment" to her.  Checking in probably felt like surveillance.  It's the classic "You don't love me  / Leave me alone" routine.  A couple of times there were welfare checks, and let me tell you, those did not go well.

I know this is hard, and it's hard not to worry, but I think, if your mom isn't answering the phone, it's because she doesn't want to answer the phone.  You respect that choice.  Just know that if she has an emergency, she can call you or dial 911.  If you are concerned about her physical frailty, you might consider getting her a LifeAlert wearable, just in case.  And if she's actively threatening suicide, my advice is to believe her and call for help.  You're not equipped to deal with suicidal talk, and if you don't call for help and something were to happen, you'd probably regret it.

By the way, after my dad died, I taught my mom how to call for help using Siri on her phone.  Whenever I see her, I say something like, "Mom, let's check that your phone mic is still on; will you ask Siri to call me, to test it?"  That's my way of getting her to practice calling for help, just in case she slips or something.  She knows she can call 911 too.  She worries about phone coverage (which is spotty in her area), but I reassure her that there's a separate satellite system just for emergency calls.  I'm just saying, we have this conversation repeatedly, and I make her practice, to keep it fresh in her mind that she can make a voice-activated call for help, as long as she has her phone nearby, which is usually the case.  We've even talked about taking the phone into the bathroom when she's bathing, for her own peace of mind (and mine).  She's not ready for LifeAlert yet.

Anyway, I think you're right, this is a game.  Since you can't win, I'd say, don't play it.  You just let her play it and respect her choice.  Make sense?

[GlobeTrotterGirl]

Hi CC43,
The suicide threat phases are hard work, she has had the ambulance and police out to her once or twice but they just leave her to it unless she actively agrees to go for inpatient treatment and that was even after telling them that she would overdose herself and the dog on Diazepams and lorazepams. Her doctors won't talk to me or acknowledge me and they actually tell her when I've tried to ask for their help in confidence!

It was my late dad's birthday on Sunday and next month is the tenth anniversary of his death so it's an iffy time of year for her mental state. My brother set her up with mobile phone recently because the tranquilisers are making her fall more now that she is mid 70s, she was enjoying me sending her things to it until she got a data warning and that was it! Over reaction and boxing the phone back up and refusing to use it!

I've sent her a nice note so I'll leave it at that with her, I said she should get my brother or aunt to let me know whenever she fancies a family get together - the big issue will be when she decides to not answer phones to my aunt because I cannot get my aunt not to panic! She will panic everytime and she lives about 16 miles from her so she ends up sending my brother to check on her and he then gets angry about the games being played as he will lose his temper at my mums mental abuse of him. To be honest if she wants to be dead, we'd rather she just got on with it! She doesn't want to be happy or do any with her life

She has weird sleep habits too! Goes to bed at 5pm so after a few hours of TV she's asleep and then of course she's up at silly o clock in the morning. The weather is also colder now so she's laying it on about how she won't turn the heating on! Super El Niño is her big thing this year too, she reads too many tabloid newspapers and scares herself silly about how bad winter might be! And the heat next summer! And wars! She is glued to news channels and panics about war!

[Notwendy]

This is similar to my BPD mother in her elder years after my father passed away. There were issues before that but my father was, to her, a stablizing force and he also was present with her- and with her behaviors.

Inititially, after he passed away, she didn't want much to do with me. On the advice of a friend, I still called her on a regular basis. Sometimes she would pick up, sometimes not. She still was active socially. She had enlisted her family members to "her side". I wasn't allowed to speak to her doctors either. I assumed she was fine (about as fine as she was with BPD). With my mother- her contact with me seemed to be mostly on her need basis- and she didn't need me.

Someone must have been concerned about her, as some time later, a friend of hers advised her to redo her legal papers and I received copies making me her power of attorney. However, I had no information about how to use this if needed. She kept her financial, and medical information secret from us. The only time we- her kids- would ever use it would be in an emergency, but we wouldn't even know what to do.

Some time after that, when visiting, we accidentally found out she had taken a home equity loan out on the house and had gotten herself in trouble financially. We took her to her bank to find out what was going on. The bank would not speak to us without her. Once we got there, she changed her mind. So we didn't have any information or way of knowing how she was. It was also about that time people began bringing up the idea of assisted living to her- as they were concerned about her being elderly and on her own. She refused.

Eventually- her family members became concerned about her and contacted me. BPD mother had convinced them that she was fine and I was the one with the emotional problems but they had seen enough of her behavior to be concerned that she was not OK. I told them everything. They were the ones who were able to get her to agree to assisted living. She didn't have a lot of choice, because she had mortgaged the house to the bank, and her funds were getting low. The house was sold and what was left of the sale after the bank took its share was to cover her stay there. Her BPD behaviors were still there but it was helpful to know that others were there to check on her.

In summary- this is how it went with us- and possibly with you too. While you care about your mother and feel a duty to check on her- she is in control here, and probably like my mother legally competent to make her own decisions, even if they are unwise ones. I even contacted an attorney to see if it was possible to intervene and as long as my mother remained legally competent- she could do what she wanted with her money, her medicines, her behavior, even if it was not in her own best interest to make these decisions.

While we kids would have prefered to be proactive, make sure her money was safe and available for her care, make sure she was in a safe living situation- this was not possible with her. The only time a change could be made would be in a crisis situation. This is stressful but BPD mother did not cooperate with planning, she wanted to be in control.

Yes, she did the things you are concerned about. Making suicide threats (call emergency for these).  take Lorazepam as she chooses (let her doctor deal with that). Spend her money recklessly. As much as you are concerned and worried- and that is understandable- it's likely your mother will continue with her chosen situation unless some situation requires a change.

As the daughter of a mother with BPD. it's likely you have been made to feel responsible for her in some ways. Culturally, and in religions if you were raised in one- we are expected to step into a care role with elderly parents- and this is normal in many situations where an adult child takes on certain aspects of this. Your concern is normal, but this is not a "normal" relationship. If you aren't in counseling, I recommend it for your own support as this situation is distressing and it helps to have someone objective to help. If there is an ACA, or Alanon, or CODA group near you, it can help you to cope with your mother's medication use. It's hard to not want to intervene but if you are unable to, then there's little you can do.