New to BPD and navigating through our first speedbump

[BPDpartner15]

Hello everyone. My girlfriend and I have been dating long distance for several months. She has BPD and attends weekly therapy. We have met in person. The relationship is really good. I'm 46 and it's the best communication and openness I've ever had in a relationship.

We've recently hit our first bump in the road. She told me she is afraid of hurting me or my kids (emotionally) down the road if the relationship progresses and she has a volitile episode. She said she is thinking of ending a perfectly good relationship over it.

I am committed and dedicated to her and learning I all can about BPD and supporting her continued healing. I am also dedicated to improving myself and how to be the best partner I can for her.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you overcome your partner's fear of hurting you in the future?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

I can admire her being up front about her issues and concerns, something that is often denied and hidden.  Might she be preparing you to accept future incidents as though they were out of her control?  Or, in other words, is she trying to tell you that such incidents should be viewed as "two steps forward but one step back"?  Something to ponder.

I've often noted that conflict with people with BPD traits (pwBPD) is often reported reduced due to the lessened contact - and distance apart - so the question is posed, How might the relationship fare when the distance apart is less?

Often observed here is that ongoing therapy is essential, applied meaningfully in life, perceptions and behavior.  Be reminded that even meaningful therapy is not a cure.  BPD exists on a spectrum and very likely therapy will be necessary for years to come, perhaps even life-long.

Does she have a therapist who is capable of addressing Borderline patterns and does she apply the insight and "mindfulness" in her life?  Saying one thing is somewhat easy, actually doing it over a lifespan is so much harder to accomplish.

Only you can decide whether the long term outcome - and whatever costs may come with it - is one for you to choose.

[Alz123]

Hello everyone. My girlfriend and I have been dating long distance for several months. She has BPD and attends weekly therapy. We have met in person. The relationship is really good. I'm 46 and it's the best communication and openness I've ever had in a relationship.

We've recently hit our first bump in the road. She told me she is afraid of hurting me or my kids (emotionally) down the road if the relationship progresses and she has a volitile episode. She said she is thinking of ending a perfectly good relationship over it.

I am committed and dedicated to her and learning I all can about BPD and supporting her continued healing. I am also dedicated to improving myself and how to be the best partner I can for her.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you overcome your partner's fear of hurting you in the future?

This is great that your girlfriend has been honest about her diagnosis and that she is attending therapy. I would also be interested to know what type of therapy she is getting because standard therapy / counselling is unlikely to help and can sometimes make things worse.

She is lucky to have someone so dedicated to supporting and learning about BPD and 'improving yourself to be the best partner for her'. I would encourage you to be aware of this though that you don't end up sacrificing yourself for the relationship and her difficulties. This is something I could see myself slipping into to prevent any more speed bumps. Although the speed bumps ended up being giant potholes!

Your girlfriend sounds like she knows herself well and that the reactions that come with BPD can cause a lot of pain to those close to her. So her fear is likely not irrational. She probably is going to have volatile episodes and say or do hurtful things. Have you asked her what a volatile episode usually looks like and how best you can navigate it when it does happen? The nature of BPD is a push / pull dynamic. It's the fearful avoidant attachment pattern - I want you close but when you get close I need to push you away.

My husband's fear wasn't expressed but I'm sure it was something he felt inside. I guess he dealt with it by marrying me in the hope that the legal connection would override any fear of hurting me and ultimately me leaving. If he'd have expressed that fear we would have had more to work with.

I really hope you can work through this together

[Pook075]

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you overcome your partner's fear of hurting you in the future?

Hello and welcome to the family.  We have all experienced what you're going through now and it's fairly common with a BPD partner.  Many relationships fall apart over this exact problem- the BPD person fears they're going to let the partner down or make their life harder, so they focus on everything negative until they convince themselves that you're going to leave.  So what do they do?  They leave before you can hurt them by leaving.

It sounds counter-intuititive, but that's literally all of our stories here, the beginning of the end.  Things are great, then they're awkward for a few weeks, then they run.

Now, I'm now saying that your relationship is ending.  Instead, I'm pointing out how important this exact topic is in BPD relationships because it will become more intense over time, particularly when your partner is under a decent bit of stress.  It could be around the holidays, or the week a family member passed, or just a tough stretch at work or whatever.  How you deal with this will set the tone on how the relationship progresses.

To answer your specific question about overcoming this, it's about positive reinforcement, validating their feelings, and letting them know how much they mean to you.  So tell them how you feel often, especially when things are a little tense.  I love you and I'm not going anywhere.  It's okay, we can work through this together.

The other side of that, the validation part, you know what it feels like to be scared or rejected.  So empathize with that and let her know that you understand.  This helps her thought patterns "level out" and keeps things from getting worse.  Tell her that you want to talk about it, you want to be there and to help her.  And let her know that you feel like that sometimes as well, that you don't have it all together 100% of the time.

I hope that helps!