She won

[LyrikalAristotle]

She won, and the mechanisms in place that exist to protect people from abuse failed me.

As an update, I tried to get APS involved and a psych evaluation ordered via the police. APS and other state agencies told me that the way the law was written, she can only get help unless she is alone. However, if I leave her alone, I will certainly be charged with neglect. The police even canceled the EMS call I requested because she told them I called because I was upset about a bill she asked me to pay. Then convinced the police that I have a psychological issue and began calling people telling them I was having a psychotic episode and was afraid for my safety.

This ended with me flashing my badge (I am an Assistant District Attorney) at the cops and accusing them of gross misconduct. The shift commander told me that unfortunately, caring for my mom is a personal choice and I need to make some decisions. The same decision that would land me in jail and ruin my career .

I was just let go from my job because I could not pass the bar. I also lost my home. All while I dealt with her intentionally doing harmful things to me because she cannot regulate her emotions about her condition. I took her to a surgeon, who told her she cannot be helped before having extensive physical therapy and that making me her primary caregiver is wrong. She took that as “he doesn’t want to help me, and you stopped me from getting care, and caused my downfall”. I also according to her “failed the bar because I’m ________ing lazy and don’t take life seriously.”

I am wake often until 5 am or later dealing with a mixture of caregiving or a BPD episode. I am exhausted. Local officials will not intervene unless I either commit a crime or my health finally gives out on me.

I cannot believe it. I’m in substantial debt, and no one will actually help me because the law says they cannot AND because they refuse to submit her for a psychological evaluation.

What’s also insane is that I got a chance to speak with my cousin (my mother’s brother’s daughter) and she told me that my experiences mirror her own and that he acts exactly like her.

I was failed by everyone. I was doomed from the start, and I had zero clue until it was too late.

I legitimately cannot believe it. She actually won. I am not perfect, but I did everything I was supposed to do.

[CC43]

Hi Lyrikal,

I'm glad to see you back here, but also sad about the turn of events.

I know everything seems awful right now, but if you'd like a little perspective from where I'm sitting, here goes.  First, you can take the bar again if you want to.  You can find another job.  My guess is that you are capable; it's just that the situation with your mom has been distracting you.

Why don't you listen to the surgeon, who told you it's not right for you to be a primary caregiver?  Yet you are convincing yourself that YOU have to fix your mom's situation, because you will be charged with neglect if you leave!  I think the track record says the opposite:  that you tried everything in your power to get your mom help, but she refuses it over and over again.  Since she's viewed as mentally competent, then she is responsible for herself.  She makes the decisions, and yet you face the consequences?  No, if she makes the decisions, SHE needs to face the consequences.  She is responsible for her, you are responsible for you.  I'm thinking, maybe the only way your mom will ever get help is if you get out of the way.  Then she can dial emergency services if she needs them.  But for as long as she guilts you into caretaking, then she's avoiding getting the help she needs, while she's sabotaging your life.  I'd say, she's free to ruin her life, but she's not free to ruin yours in the process.

It sounds to me like you need a break, big-time.  Since you mentioned your cousin, is there any possibility you could stay with her for a little bit, and get some needed rest before you plan your next move?

I'd also suggest that whatever next step you take, it's for YOU.  You're no good to your mom if you're operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, a complete basket case, financially destroyed, with no livelihood, no friends, no confidence.  You don't deserve that!  If your mom were of a right mind, she wouldn't want that for you either.

Anyway, clearly your mom can state her case with emergency services; it's not like she's mute.  Chances are that if she called emergency services, she'd go to a hospital, and then the hospital would treat her.  If the hospital determined that it wasn't safe to discharge her because she didn't have appropriate home care, then the hospital would have to work with social services to arrange it somehow.  But if you step in and say you'll take care of her, then she'll be discharged.  So don't step in if you want her to get professional help.  Besides, you're not a professional caretaker, and it sounds like she needs one.

Hang in there, you've got this.

[Pook075]

I second everything CC just said.  There's a BPD book titled, "I hate you, don't leave me!" and you can sort of figure out what the book is about just on those six words.  BPDs are master manipulators and want to control everything and everyone around them.  You're getting pulled into this mess....but you're also choosing to stay in it.

If the responsibility is yours alone, place her in an assisted living facility.  If she refuses, walk away.  It's not your burden.

[Notwendy]

Linkal- are you in the US?  If you are, I think a best move is to consult with a local council on elders, social services and, if there is an affordable option, an elder law attorney,

You have seen that it is not feasable to be a full time caregiver to your mother and also take care of yourself and your own goals, like studying for the bar exam. If holding on to this rope means that both of you go over the bridge, then your only option is to let go of that rope.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

Taking care of someone who is mentally ill and who has physical challenges may need professionals involved in their care.

Pook's suggestion for assisted living is along that line. However, in the US, elder care is not so straightforward. There are financial rules to know about. Assisted living is self pay and costs several thousand dollars a month. If a person does not pay, or is a behavior problem- the assisted living center can evict them.

Skilled nursing home care is different however there are still financial considerations. Medicare covers short term rehabilitation, like if someone has broken a bone, or needs continued care for a short term illness. Different Medicare plans have different coverages. If a person needs long term care and can not pay, Medicaid can cover costs but there are rules for qualifying for that. Medicaid looks back 5+ years (depending on state) to determine if a parent has gifted their assets, and this will result in a wait penalty.

Do not sign any forms when enrolling your mother. Apparently she is considered legally competent according to the responses you have gotten. She herself needs to voluntarily go, and sign herself.  She may refuse. You also need to know what constitutes neglect and what are your legal obligations (this varies by state).

So it may not be possible for you to get her into a facility right away but it will help you to know the rules, what the different facilities are and how to plan for Medicaid, and have a plan in place for yourself. Your mother may agree to get the process for Medicaid going as another option that some states offer is to cover some hours of home health care. She may be intersted in that.

I wanted to be proactive with my BPD mother but she was not cooperative. Also it's not just with BPD. No elderly person wants to go to a home- they want their independence, but sometimes a crisis happens and so it helps to have the roadmap decided if possible. Sometimes the situation is that they need to go to the hospital and then be discharged home. The first person they will look at to care for her is you.  That is where you can step in and say you can not take care of her, that she has greater needs. They will need to make other arrangements for her, like temporary skilled nursing.

My BPD mother kept her health and finances secret and remained in her home, refusing assisted living even though she needed that help. Her crisis was financial. She had run out of money and second mortgaged her house, gotten herself into financial difficulty. Her only option was to sell the house, pay the loan back, and use the rest for assisted living.

It may not be possible to plan for moving your mother to a facility- but taking steps to find out how to do that and having a plan will help you with seeing the situation as hopeless. The law protects the elder's autonomy. As you saw, agencies can not intervene without proof of mental incompetence. For my mother, this would have to have involved testing, and medical testifying in court and it would be a waste of time and money, as it would be with your mother.

Your being proactive and learning the various aspects of elder care is being proactive and protecting yourself while also navigating a way to arrange care for your mother if and when that becomes the next step for her.