Made it Alive through Hearing to Issue a Restraining Order

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Had my first day of court yesterday with ex fiancee (pwBPD).

Based on her past actions (such as joking about killing me and my dog and unexpectedly showing up places where I am when angry... .one time leading me to escape through the back window of my office), my lawyer sought a domestic violence restraining order.

During the day, my ex's lawyer asked to file a type of restraining order that wouldn't be filed directly with the police.  My ex is a doctor, and having a police-filed order would really hurt her livelihood, so we agreed to file the less-intense form.

During the lunch break, my ex approached me and seemed SO INCREDIBLY SANE.  She told me that she knows the relationship is over, that she just wants to focus on our child now, that all of the stuff from our past is in the past, and that having a restraining order on her is completely insulting and unnecessary.  She then told me that she can't afford her lawyers like I can, that my lawyer is just trying to get more money out of me, that she wants to have a normal co-parenting relationship with me.

She got me... .I went to my lawyer and told him to get rid of the restraining order.

His response: If I get rid of the order, I need to find a new attorney.  He told me that based on my documentation and based on how he had just witnessed her guilting me into changing the plan, it would be "malpractice of me to let you walk away without a restraining order."

Knowing that I trusted my ex far too many times in our relationship in intense situations like these (which usually led to more pain), I stuck with my lawyer, and hope to god that this decision won't destroy a chance of having a better life for my daughter where both of her parents can communicate well with one another.

A huge short-term upside is that I was able to sleep more peacefully at my house last night knowing that she wouldn't show up unexpectedly... .And I was able to walk into my office today without having to lock the front door and could tell my employee that he can now stop locking the door.

So, I know at my gut level that I made the right decision, but a huge part of me still feels like a total ass for not giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Thoughts?

[Aiming4Kindness]

Had my first day of court yesterday with ex fiancee (pwBPD).

Based on her past actions (such as joking about killing me and my dog and unexpectedly showing up places where I am when angry... .one time leading me to escape through the back window of my office), my lawyer sought a domestic violence restraining order.

During the day, my ex's lawyer asked to file a type of restraining order that wouldn't be filed directly with the police.  My ex is a doctor, and having a police-filed order would really hurt her livelihood, so we agreed to file the less-intense form.

During the lunch break, my ex approached me and seemed SO INCREDIBLY SANE.  She told me that she knows the relationship is over, that she just wants to focus on our child now, that all of the stuff from our past is in the past, and that having a restraining order on her is completely insulting and unnecessary.  She then told me that she can't afford her lawyers like I can, that my lawyer is just trying to get more money out of me, that she wants to have a normal co-parenting relationship with me.

She got me... .I went to my lawyer and told him to get rid of the restraining order.

His response: If I get rid of the order, I need to find a new attorney.  He told me that based on my documentation and based on how he had just witnessed her guilting me into changing the plan, it would be "malpractice of me to let you walk away without a restraining order."

Knowing that I trusted my ex far too many times in our relationship in intense situations like these (which usually led to more pain), I stuck with my lawyer, and hope to god that this decision won't destroy a chance of having a better life for my daughter where both of her parents can communicate well with one another.

A huge short-term upside is that I was able to sleep more peacefully at my house last night knowing that she wouldn't show up unexpectedly... .And I was able to walk into my office today without having to lock the front door and could tell my employee that he can now stop locking the door.

So, I know at my gut level that I made the right decision, but a huge part of me still feels like a total ass for not giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Thoughts?

[marti644]

Aiming,

I think you made the right decision, you can't trust anything she says now. In the moment she sees you as black, it will all start happening again. Stay strong and create a safe space for your daughter! You'll now have the legal tools to do this. Your BPD-ex needs strong boundaries and this is a good step in the right direction.

[Aiming4Kindness]

Thanks. I hope you're right.

I read somewhere that some people with BPD really only express their BPDness when in committed relationships.  I keep thinking that now that we're not officially together, she'll behave differently. For now, better safe than sorry... .at least until I get more of my own mental stability back.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Aiming4, My two cents: you did the right thing by getting the restraining order.  It's a boundary, which is often necessary for a pwBPD.  Maybe she will try to use F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate you, so be ready for it.

LJ

[Aiming4Kindness]

Maybe she will try to use F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate you, so be ready for it.

Heh... .already happening.  Thanks so much for the encouragement.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Aiming4,

F-O-G is the way a pwBPD twists your arm to control your behavior.  My suggestion: don't give in to threats, which are a form of emotional blackmail.  Call her bluff, if you have to.

LJ