Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
July 10, 2025, 01:40:37 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Made it Alive through Hearing to Issue a Restraining Order
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Made it Alive through Hearing to Issue a Restraining Order (Read 567 times)
Aiming4Kindness
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 62
Made it Alive through Hearing to Issue a Restraining Order
«
on:
February 16, 2017, 11:58:33 AM »
Had my first day of court yesterday with ex fiancee (pwBPD).
Based on her past actions (such as joking about killing me and my dog and unexpectedly showing up places where I am when angry... .one time leading me to escape through the back window of my office), my lawyer sought a domestic violence restraining order.
During the day, my ex's lawyer asked to file a type of restraining order that wouldn't be filed directly with the police. My ex is a doctor, and having a police-filed order would really hurt her livelihood, so we agreed to file the less-intense form.
During the lunch break, my ex approached me and seemed SO INCREDIBLY SANE. She told me that she knows the relationship is over, that she just wants to focus on our child now, that all of the stuff from our past is in the past, and that having a restraining order on her is completely insulting and unnecessary. She then told me that she can't afford her lawyers like I can, that my lawyer is just trying to get more money out of me, that she wants to have a normal co-parenting relationship with me.
She got me... .I went to my lawyer and told him to get rid of the restraining order.
His response: If I get rid of the order, I need to find a new attorney. He told me that based on my documentation and based on how he had just witnessed her guilting me into changing the plan, it would be "malpractice of me to let you walk away without a restraining order."
Knowing that I trusted my ex far too many times in our relationship in intense situations like these (which usually led to more pain), I stuck with my lawyer, and hope to god that this decision won't destroy a chance of having a better life for my daughter where both of her parents can communicate well with one another.
A huge short-term upside is that I was able to sleep more peacefully at my house last night knowing that she wouldn't show up unexpectedly... .And I was able to walk into my office today without having to lock the front door and could tell my employee that he can now stop locking the door.
So, I know at my gut level that I made the right decision, but a huge part of me still feels like a total ass for not giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Thoughts?
Logged
marti644
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 313
Re: Made it Alive through Hearing to Issue a Restraining Order
«
Reply #1 on:
February 16, 2017, 02:26:57 PM »
Aiming,
I think you made the right decision, you can't trust anything she says now. In the moment she sees you as black, it will all start happening again. Stay strong and create a safe space for your daughter! You'll now have the legal tools to do this. Your BPD-ex needs strong boundaries and this is a good step in the right direction.
Logged
Aiming4Kindness
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 62
Re: Made it Alive through Hearing to Issue a Restraining Order
«
Reply #2 on:
February 16, 2017, 04:45:38 PM »
Thanks. I hope you're right.
I read somewhere that some people with BPD really only express their BPDness when in committed relationships. I keep thinking that now that we're not officially together, she'll behave differently. For now, better safe than sorry... .at least until I get more of my own mental stability back.
Logged
Lucky Jim
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211
Re: Made it Alive through Hearing to Issue a Restraining Order
«
Reply #3 on:
February 16, 2017, 05:08:39 PM »
Hey Aiming4, My two cents: you did the right thing by getting the restraining order. It's a boundary, which is often necessary for a pwBPD. Maybe she will try to use F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate you, so be ready for it.
LJ
Logged
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Aiming4Kindness
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 62
Re: Made it Alive through Hearing to Issue a Restraining Order
«
Reply #4 on:
February 17, 2017, 12:47:18 AM »
Quote from: Lucky Jim on February 16, 2017, 05:08:39 PM
Maybe she will try to use F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate you, so be ready for it.
Heh... .already happening. Thanks so much for the encouragement.
Logged
Lucky Jim
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211
Re: Made it Alive through Hearing to Issue a Restraining Order
«
Reply #5 on:
February 17, 2017, 09:31:19 AM »
Hey Aiming4,
F-O-G is the way a pwBPD twists your arm to control your behavior. My suggestion: don't give in to threats, which are a form of emotional blackmail. Call her bluff, if you have to.
LJ
Logged
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Made it Alive through Hearing to Issue a Restraining Order
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...