BPD wife moving focus from me to daughters

[Aurylian]

Brief background: Wife was diagnosed in 2010, but only to me.  High functioning waif.  The T didn't want her to know and she still see the same T.  We have three daughters D15, D13, D11.

Her T is not a specialist and I think is probably in over her head.  But, the focus has been rebuilding my BPDw's sense of self.  This has reduced the dysregulation over the years, but has greatly increased the hubris possibly increased what used to be minor NPD.  B&W thinking is the major issue.  Through proper boundaries and use of the tools I have been able to keep our r/s stable, albeit unfulfilling, which is better than what it was. 

Current issue: For whatever reason my wife is not focusing her anger and frustration and B&W thinking on the girls.  I support her in her frustrations with the standard teen things (room not clean, picking up clothes, brushing teeth, etc.), but my wife now is trying to control all areas of their lives.  All three d's are A students and very talented in the arts (singing, dancing, etc.). All three are consistently selected by school teachers to show new kids around and are seen as role models.  Where it goes south is that my wife is not trying to control what they wear, how they do their hair, who they can and can't be friends with, what music they like, what they should do for extracurricular activities and the like.  If they have a different opinion than their mother she starts "yelling" at them and accuses them of being disrespectful.  They are all slim and in decent shape, but Mommy tells them what they are wearing looks stupid, and it makes them look dumpy or fat.  As part of my wife's BPD she is OCD with what she eats and has a mild eating disorder (not bulimic or anorexic).  She is constantly watching what they eat and making them feel self conscious. 

The main problem is that some of this used to occur when I was home from work, so I would use the tools and talk to my wife about working with the girls to give them a bit more freedom.  The result is that when I'm home my wife doesn't do any of this, but waits until I am at work then goes into full control mode.  So, the only way I know is if the girls tell me.  You can imagine how well that goes over if she finds out about that.

In the last few weeks, D15 has confessed how anxious she is to go to college so she never has to come home again. D15 also stated independently one time, "if you and mommy ever divorce I want to live with you."  D13 asked me ":)addy, can I ask you a question without you getting mad?  Me: Sure, but I can’t promise I can answer it.  D13: Have you ever thought about divorcing Mommy?  Me: No, why do you ask?  D13: I hear the way she yells at you all the time…. [in my BPDw's defense she doesn’t often “yell” at me, but she gets irate frequently and we have to move the conversation to the master bathroom.].  D11 was in tears because she has requested to move from an art she practices to a sport and Mommy yelled at her for even considering it.  [Mommy was forced to play the sport and wasn't allowed to do the art as a child].

Summary: so I have a BPDw, who doesn't know she has BPD, who is manifesting against our daughters, who have no ability to truly have boundaries because they are minors living at home and exercising boundaries would likely to Mommy freaking, Daddy intervening, a no-win situation that would probably end in divorce, where I would only be with my daughters half the time, if that (in my state).

Options?
A) try and find a way to discuss this again with mommy without disclosing what the girls said, wherein she would like get mad and then ignore what I asked and continue on;
B) try and force the hand of the T so we can get this out in the open and maybe do some family therapy (I don't think the T will do this for many reasons, the primary one being it would feel like failure and would admit that the T told me things she did not tell my wife);
C) play the middle and continue to work with the daughters on their tools and adjusting their expectations (radical acceptance) and allow mommy to stay in the dark;
D) ?

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[GaGrl]

I have as thinking family therapy well before I reached the end of your post.

If your current T won't do it ( and, as you say, she may be stretched), you can sign releases for him her to communicate with the family therapist you choose.

[Aurylian]

Thanks Gagrl.  Probably the best option.  Not a lot of good T's in our area, but I haven't looked for a couple years.  The big trick is that my W won't see a need for it because in her mind the only thing wrong is the girls aren't fully complying with her wants.  I can't imagine my girls feeling free to share at such a session as they already live in fear of repercussions when they even try to discuss issues with her. This will certainly cause a lot of Boom in the family, but much less than a daughter blowing up or divorce.

I will try and check to see if there are any new T's in the area that might work.

[Notwendy]

Decades ago, I was that A student slim cute daughter. My BPD mother yelled at me a lot and told me I was fat, unlovable, and the cause of all the problems between her and my father. I said the exact same things to my dad. Counted the days until I could leave for college- graduated early.

In those days -  little was known about BPD. My mother's condition was kept a secret. If we spoke about it - we were punished.

If anything would have made a difference it would have been honesty- knowing that my mother was mentally ill and that's why she said those things. Without reassurance that those things were not true- that I was a good kid who had positive attributes- my self esteem plummeted. I thought I was unlovable - and fat- when I was not that at all. One of the reasons I wanted to leave home was that I believed my patents would be happy when I did.

I'm telling you this because knowledge can change things. You know about BPD- my parents didn't. You have smart girls who deserve to know the truth - that their mother has a mental illness. Had I known this I may have had compassion for mine at that age instead of hating her which didn't help the family dynamics. Your girls are also smart enough to figure it out on their own- especially with the internet.

I don't know the best way to do this - but the truth could make a difference for them.