Got a bowl of pasta thrown at me tonight Fun

[WifeInOz]

That's all... .I stood up for myself after he made a snide remark and I got a bowl of pasta thrown across the room... .guess who had to clean up the pasta sauce off the kitchen floor?SOmetimes I want to throw HIM across the room LOL Husband is 53 and they say BPD diminishes with age, I cant imagine what he was like as a young man, it must of been scary for his first wife (we have only been together 2 years)... .sorry for the rant, Im just aggravated.

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[GaGrl]

Sorry... .but my very first reaction is that I would let the pasta turn to concrete with mold growing green on it before I would clean it up!

Seriously... .can you talk a bit more about why you felt the need to clean up his mess?

[WifeInOz]

Hi Gag 

 Well with Borderlines, confrontation is a no no, if I left it there he would have gotten even more in a rage with me. Plus I have an mildly autistic son and I try to keep the peace because HE gets so upset when we fight, hence the title of the book "Walking on EggShells"... thats BPD101

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry this happened. The little jabs they make can really eat away at you and after so many, it's easy to just lay into them.  After he threw the pasta at you, how did you respond? Could you have left the room or house?

I used to pick up things my husband threw but I've stopped. When I first began refusing to pick up items, he would get mad, but I would stick to it. I would not address the thrown item right away. I would not judge him for throwing it. I would wait until things calmed down a little and when he told me to pick it up, I would gently say, "No. You threw it. I'm not going to pick it up." He would get upset and have a little bit of an extinction burst, but as long as I stuck to the narrative of it being his responsibility, he would clean it up. And he would feel embarrassed while doing it too. I did not chide him for doing it. I did not scold him. If he refused to pick it up, it would sit there until he did. Every time he looked at it, it became a reminder of his acting childish so eventually he would clean it up just so he didn't have to see it. It doesn't have to be confrontational, but  it can be a boundary for you.

[isilme]

Welcome to the food throwing club!  

Sorry - I totally understand cleaning it up - leaving it would just later activate shame in my H, which in turn would be seen as a challenge, and it would just re-hash over and over with more arguments and still all be my fault.  And I have cats who would try to eat something like that, and some items they try to eat would make them sick, so yeah, I'd have cleaned it up, too.  It's not a battle worth continuing in my opinion at that point.  When things start being thrown, you really need to backtrack a bit, and stop whatever you WERE doing and start triage immediately to prevent even more escalation.  

Also, cleaning is being busy while not engaging in the fight, and for me, H is usually out of the room at that point, so it gives me a good excuse to not seek him out to continue any "discussion", or to stay out of the living room (where we usually eat) until he's cooled off.  So he can't claim I am avoiding him(I am) as much as have to admit I was busy.  In the brocoli incident, part of the argument had to do with the contents of the freezer.  I felt better cleaning out the freezer in the aftermath of the food-throwing than making a plate and going into the living room to eat.  I needed that break from H.

For us to ever move past an argument, usually the cause of it or evidence of it needs to be remedied, removed, or fixed so it does not trigger his blame-shifting shame responses.  

[isilme]

That said, other things he leaves around I do NOT pick up unless they are in my way or company is coming, in which case they get set on his side of the bed or his dresser. 

I just see no benefit in our dynamic from pointing out he freaked out.  He knows it.  He is usually more mad at himself for it, and assumes as his emotions swing that I hate him.  We move past things faster if I just do my best to not react, and get away from him for a time, and then by lunch the next day he's usually contrite, and we're good for another period before the next outburst.