BPD SD, lack of effort, effect on family

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have posted a few times before and I go back between here and the parenting board since it seems many people on here have BPD bio parents they're dealing with as a stepparent, and less people have stepkids diagnosed with BPD. My SD 14 is diagnosed and I have a few questions:

- I understand her parents wanting to try everything, but she appears to not be completing therapy assignments, checks out in group/doodling, uses coaching calls/texts for backstory and not mastering concepts. I do not go to the DBT sessions because we have other kids together and it's 3+ hours a week in sessions. I also have needed to disengage for my own mental health from this SD. But after months of this stuff all I really see is SD using different language to say she's a victim, everyone else is horrible, everything else is bad etc. She does her nightly DBT journal but never anything beyond that. I feel that she can't change if she thinks she's not the problem. How do parents navigate this? I'm seeing a lot of time and energy put into this from my husband and her Mom but not her... .realistically, I feel I shouldn't expect any major  changes right now. Thoughts?

- Her effect on other children. This feels unique to the stepparent board because parenting board is dealing with all their own bio kids being effected by BPD behavior. My son, her half brother, is in kindergarten. Long story short I overheard her bullying for lack of a better word my 5 year old, when he told her she was being rude she continued on about how much better she was at things compared to him when she was 5, then when my husband checked on situation she blew up saying how horrible and annoying he and my other SD are, she doesn't like them, etc. I have not felt comfortable with her watching him alone ever but now I don't trust her being around him... .I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment and so did my husband with a BPD sister and mother... .it feels impossible to keep the family in tact while protecting my son from these behaviors. Any one else had experience in that type of thing? I don't want to move out, or leave on her weeks here but I also feel a responsibility to ensure my son is treated with respect and at 5, he can't understand much about why she is this way at all.

[jennaberk]

I have posted a few times before and I go back between here and the parenting board since it seems many people on here have BPD bio parents they're dealing with as a stepparent, and less people have stepkids diagnosed with BPD. My SD 14 is diagnosed and I have a few questions:

- I understand her parents wanting to try everything, but she appears to not be completing therapy assignments, checks out in group/doodling, uses coaching calls/texts for backstory and not mastering concepts. I do not go to the DBT sessions because we have other kids together and it's 3+ hours a week in sessions. I also have needed to disengage for my own mental health from this SD. But after months of this stuff all I really see is SD using different language to say she's a victim, everyone else is horrible, everything else is bad etc. She does her nightly DBT journal but never anything beyond that. I feel that she can't change if she thinks she's not the problem. How do parents navigate this? I'm seeing a lot of time and energy put into this from my husband and her Mom but not her... .realistically, I feel I shouldn't expect any major  changes right now. Thoughts?

- Her effect on other children. This feels unique to the stepparent board because parenting board is dealing with all their own bio kids being effected by BPD behavior. My son, her half brother, is in kindergarten. Long story short I overheard her bullying for lack of a better word my 5 year old, when he told her she was being rude she continued on about how much better she was at things compared to him when she was 5, then when my husband checked on situation she blew up saying how horrible and annoying he and my other SD are, she doesn't like them, etc. I have not felt comfortable with her watching him alone ever but now I don't trust her being around him... .I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment and so did my husband with a BPD sister and mother... .it feels impossible to keep the family in tact while protecting my son from these behaviors. Any one else had experience in that type of thing? I don't want to move out, or leave on her weeks here but I also feel a responsibility to ensure my son is treated with respect and at 5, he can't understand much about why she is this way at all.

[livednlearned]

Hey Jennaberk,

I don't have an SD in DBT so can't comment on that part. However, I suspect it will take a while before you see progress that meets your standards, especially because she is entering what is considered a rebellious period for even "normal" teens. Somewhere, I read that BPD peaks at 16. That is when SO's D19 was at her most dysregulated. Is SD14's DBT program specifically for teens?

It's probably not easy or realistic to leave or separate SD from your son, altho I completely understand wanting to go there as an option.

One thing I did with my son (not BPD) is to focus on upskilling him to have greater emotional resilience. I wonder if that might work with your S5?

Bill Eddy has a good book called Don't Alienate the Kids -- it's more about building emotional resilience in kids when one has BPD but the lessons apply to any family where there is BPD, imo.

That might mean doing repair and recovery type work after an interaction, to make sure S5 feels heard and can help come up with a strategy for dealing with SD14.

Does he know she has a dx? How do you respond after a dust-up involving SD14?

[jennaberk]

Thank you for the response. I will check out the book.

As more incidents have occurred I am noticing and trying to focus on the fact that my son has consistently had appropriate reactions to her and acknowledged the inappropriateness of her behavior. I know I am also very nervous based on my own exposure to emotional abuse in childhood and so I am especially sensitive to this type of behavior in the home.

Her  program is specific to teens and while she knew of her DX, she was continuing to deflect that everyone else was the problem and we have had issues with her individual therapist holding her accountable in sessions. Then the therapist said they don't support an under 18 BPD diagnosis and wanted SD re-evaluated, so my husband is dealing with that currently. Despite the therapist stuff, SD is not doing anything beyond journal cards, declined in school, is weaponizing the DBT concepts to try and justify her behaviors... .it feels hard to stay positive and patient when you don't have the parental bond to carry you through.

[livednlearned]

it feels hard to stay positive and patient when you don't have the parental bond to carry you through.

I know

It sounds like you are doing a great job with your son. He may come out of this will really good emotional resilience skills thanks to you 

How are things with your SO?