Hi Robyn0718: Thanks for sharing more of your story.
My daughter has been in an out of therapy since she was 16, when she made a suicide attempt. Most of it has not helped much because she cannot tolerate limit setting and gets angry and walks out when the therapist says something that she considers "offensive".
My daughter has many inner resources - she is brilliant, highly educated, beautiful and charming. She off and on accepts that she has emotional problems. She mainly rejects the idea that she has BPD, although the notion of complex PTSD is more acceptable to her.
She decided (i can find no real evidence of this) that she had suffered from carbon monoxide poisoning and uses this as a reason for not really doing anything - she says her brain has been damaged and she can't concentrate.
Unless your daughter needs a specific label for insurance purposes, best to focus on treating the symptoms. If PTSD is acceptable to her, perhaps that's the one to go with. Is she taking any meds to treat some of her symptons?
People with BPD like to find blame for problems. You mention that your daughter seems to think that she suffered from carbon monoxide poisoning, and blames her symptoms on that. My sister does something similar.
My sister had a "slip and fall" incident at her place of employment many years ago. She did have a shoulder injury and subsequent surgery; however, she has used that one incident as the blame for many things. Her one quote was, "That fall did something to me. I haven't felt the same since". In my sister's situation, I believe the stress of the event exacerbated her BPD symptoms. She acquired a prescription for an antidepressant from her primary care doctor, but she won't get therapy. When our parent's passed, within 6 months of each other, my sister split me black and I became the recipient of her emotions.
She is now 50 she has expressed some interest in DBT but so far that hasn't happened.
Perhaps your daughter would be receptive to trying some self-help DBT. The first link below leads to a self-help DBT website. The 2nd link, DBT Skills Training, relates to a DBT book, ":)BT Skills Training Workshop and Handouts". It makes some lessons available to the public. It appears as if the lessons could stand alone, without the book. If you explore the website, there is mention of a Facebook group, and perhaps a waiting list. I'd think it might be best to jump in without the Facebook option, but it might be something to consider exploring.
DBT SELF-HELP WEBSITE:www.dbtselfhelp.comDBT SKILLS TRAININGhttps://dbtskillstraining.wordpress.com/The younger one, Kenji, is having problems.
What problems is he having?
When their parents divorced, their father returned to Japan - he now has a new family - my daughter tells me that in Japanese culture, when there is a divorce, the former spouse and her children are considered dead - their father recently cut off all communication with them, at the insistence of his new wife. He does pay child support - about $1000 a month - which is almost exactly enough to pay their rent
I'm so sorry about that situation. That's one cultural norm that needs to be left behind. Thankfully, he is providing financial support, but it has to be hard for the children to understand that their father won't have anything to do with them beyond the financial support.
She subsequently removed them from school, with the idea that they would be "home schooled", which of course is not happening. They are pretty much isolated in the house with her.
Is this the current situation, that the children are supposedly in a "home schooled" situation? Do you know if the children are recognized as being at the various school grades that are appropriate for them?
I think my main issue has to do with the children. I feel as thought i SHOULD take them, but i also know i am not at a stage in life when i CAN take them - or maybe i am just selfish. I torment myself with this.
You are in a very tough situation. You care about your grandchildren, but you are in your golden years. Perhaps there is an answer in the middle, if your daughter moves to your community. If she is closer to you, you can offer a greater level of help for the children, without taking over full custody.
Also, perhaps with more community resources, Social Services could get involved with some monitoring or coaching services (without removing the children from her home).
She has agreed to move back to the small midwestern college town where she (and i) spent many years. She is familiar with the community, there are good resources, and many jobs she would consider "acceptable". I think she is overwhelmed with the move and that is triggering the current crisis. My SO and I are willing to pay for the move and help her move, as well as fund her first month or two back in Illinois. I think she is actually pretty afraid to go out of the house.
What do you think about giving your daughter the DBT links and encouraging her to use some of the exercises to help regulate her emotions? Perhaps, you could look over the websites referenced and give your daughter some assignments to start with. One of the three subcategories within the ":)BT Self-Help" website could be a good place to start.
Right now, the goal would be to get her regulated to the point that she will participate in moving to your community. You might have to set a boundary, if she won't participate in some DBT self-help. If she won't participate, then you might need to withhold some financial assistance. The boundaries could escalate, if she won't try to help herself. If she won't get on board with even trying to regulate her emotions and behaviors, you will likely want to escalate the consequences and get Child Protective Services involved again. Is getting temporary custody, something you might consider for a short period of time?
