What do you do when you need a boost to stay NC?

[Ragnar1982]

Hey all,

The past two days of NC have been weird for me. I know I'm doing the right thing. I've chosen a much healthier relationship, but I cannot get this girl out of my head. Today sucked a little because of a FB memory that popped up, but I feel myself slipping from being vigilant to having these thoughts of sending her some type of message. I don't even know what I'd send! I was pretty firm with her 4 days ago about reinforcing that our relationship is over, and I haven't heard anything since she responded to that. I emailed her 4 days ago in response to some messages her friend and her daughter (15 yrs old) sent me, as well as two emails my ex sent me to my work email. This has been pretty consistent behavior from her. Telling me she loves me, things are changing for us to be together, everything. But she also mixes in some veiled threats sometimes about showing up at my house/contacted my new SO. I just need a boost from the group. What do you do when you know you are already doing the right thing? This has been going on with her for almost two months... .

Here is my email and her response for reference:

Please stop emailing me at my work email. Also, please stop having "friend" and now "daughter"  sending me messages.  I am not dragging anything out here as this has gotten completely out of hand. I have said that I'd consider things if they were different, but you just don't stop with anything else. You have completely pushed me away through all the emails and messages from "friend". One day it's one thing, and another it's something else completely different. You go from sweet, to rude, to outright threatening. This has turned into an insane drama, and I have tried to stop it countless times now for yours and my sake.  I'm moving on with my life and doing the things I want to do, and you're as bold to say I'm throwing them in your face. I have blocked you, so unless you have others checking up on me, you'd see that nothing has been thrown in your face. I also told you a week ago I wasn't going to reply anymore because of this insanity. Please stop doing this to yourself and move on.

Her reply:
No, I could see them on old messages. I'm not trying to be rude, quite opposite. Il glad you're happy, I truly am. All I wanted was the closure for me and to get me things because you blocked me from your life after doing something terribly hurtful, like I did something wrong. I wanted a life with you, and would do anything to do it.  Sorry "me", but you've said and done some horrible things as well. You're right, I need to move on from this as it's been awful, but my last message didn't warrant something cruel back from you. I wish you all the best in your new life.

[lovecanbehard]

Hi Ragnar,

I am one month complete NC, so I understand the need for a boost here and there. What helps me is to try to remember how the relationship was, and all the bad that came with it. During the bad parts of our relationship, I actually would write down all of our issues and sometimes I look back and read them. It helps a lot, because the loneliness and missing him is clouding my judgment. Yes there were good times, but I remember wanting to get out SO bad. Even if I can't remember those bad times now, even remembering the fact that I was clawing for an exit really helps my morale. Just remember all that came with the relationship, including the baggage, and including your need to escape. Remember it won't get better and likely will get worse.Also, I see a therapist now that is also helping me to move on and realize I need to do the best thing for me.

The best thing you can do for yourself is go completely NC. She knows that's what you want. She continues to e-mail you and send you messages because she wants a response. I'm guessing since you responded this last time, she's going to continue messaging because it "worked". No more responses from now on. It will most likely drive her crazy but if you stick to your guns, your head will begin to clear more and more each day.

[marti644]

Hi Ragnar,

I'm just over a month NC too. This forum has helped me more than anything in those times of longing. While my family and friends have been extremely supportive this forum fills the gaps for me and all the stories and support remind me of the real situation I was in; not the fantasy of the relationship that still is stuck in my head.

[Ragnar1982]

Thank you both. Seeing a therapist was great help to me. She is the one that actually pointed me down the BPD path, which is how I found this site. Reading these posts helps a lot, too. It's funny because I can go a few days totally fine, then the fantasy starts creeping in again. I do what you suggested and remind myself of all the bad times, the loneliness I felt while feeling so trapped, and all of the behavior I still don't have clear answers to. Something struck me last week as one of her friends messaged me to say that my ex loves me. I told her that my ex only loves me when I'm gone or leaving. When she has me, she couldn't care less and I become a convenience to her. A release when she needs one emotionally or sexually. It took me a while to realize while I was still in it that the relationship was one sided. It was real to me, but an outlet for her. Sometimes I wish it was real because I've never shared that kind of deep love with anyone before. I believed the soulmate stuff. It's hard to walk away from someone you love like that, no matter the number of red flags. But I, and the rest of us, have to remind ourselves that we loved something that wasn't real. And if it was real, I only loved that half of her. The other half was a lying, cheating, emotionally abusive, selfish child. Writing this out even reinforces those feelings. Strange how I never want to see or hear from her again, but I still have these pangs every now and again like I made a mistake and I want the good part back. Just sucks. Another thing I get to take away from this is my new diagnosed (hopefully temporary) anxiety and PTSD. Both my Dr and therapist agree on this. I can't believe I allowed someone to actually poison me so bad that I got sick. I've never had these issues before, and I hope they go away.

[marti644]

Ragnar,

I know what you mean! It's hard for me to separate the pain I feel with the reality of the situation. The longer I am in NC the easier it is getting to separate the two. Like drawing the poison out of a snake-bite. Time heals all wounds.

It's funny how friends can be counter-productive in this situation. One of our mutual friend's tried to mediate between us at the end. Was a disaster. I have told them to mind their own business and we don't discuss it anymore.  I talk to other friends and family who aren't connected about it. But even still most people don't understand. One thing I've learned is that on the outside the relationship seems relatively
normalized which was so frustrating. People told me she was just having a rough time, that she was only acting out because of other stressful situations, that I was being dramatic (I was dramatic so that isn't far off). Or they say "she's crazy move on what's your problem" as if I can just flip a switch.

But the manipulation runs so deep! And I can't believe I fell for it for so long! Been thinking alot about how to build proper boundaries. I don't want to put anyone through that again (I am trying to take ownership of my rescuer complex) anymore than I would want to put up with that again.

I think only by actually going through the BPD relationship can you understand the actually relationship environment.

You peoples are helping make me whole again. I can't thank you enough.

[Ragnar1982]

In my situation it was a friend of hers that I had never even met. I actually only had met her friends once (the ones I did meet) in well over a year. She never invited me anywhere. There was always an excuse as to why I couldn't come. She in turn blew off everything I invited her to, or got "sick" at the very last minute.

Trying to explain this all to my friends and family when I was in the throes of it was exhausting to me and them. Everyone told me she was up to no good, stringing me along, or just plain manipulative and evil. Only one of my friends tried to understand, but even she said she didn't feel right about it. I hung on until it drove me absolutely crazy and made me start acting in ways I had never done before. I became impulsive, accusatory, and untrusting. All for good reason if you ask me, but it's something I talked to my T about. She says I may have started to take on the persona of my ex, which would be temporary, and also that it was my gut instinct/intuition finally kicking in. Today marks 5 days since her last email. If I don't hear from her today, this will be the longest I have gone without hearing from her. I think she has moved on since she knows my guard is up, but even knowing that if she is done contacting me in some ways bothers me a little bit. So stupid of me to feel that way, but it's the truth.

[marti644]

Hi Ragnar,

We have a similar situation. She had met some of my friends but I only ever met one of her "guy friends" that was definitely in her orbit. I actually can say amusingly now that we both met eachother and both thought we were dating her at the same time. So weird to think of now how ridiculous that was.

She said numerous times that she didn't trust me around her friends and that my "attitude" was too explosive. She said this for months before the end and then said it at the end. We hung out almost every single day and only after she bailed all of a sudden she had all these girlfriends supporting her and telling her I was no good. At first I was still in the FOG so I wasn't thinking clearly.

What I am convinced of now is that these friends were fabricated, they never existed, or they were acquaintances that had no real connection. Sick really, I really do have sincere sympathy for someone who feels they have to do that. Must be agony to live with those lies.

Keep up the NC congrats. I'm just over a month in and stick to the boundaries. Ignore the stalking attempts and other strange behaviour, there will be tests. If you haven't already delete and block all her social media, block phone numbers, and email accounts. Delete phone numbers after blocking so you have no way to contact her even when you have the urge.

This urge can be so strong at time for me. I have to protect myself from myself. My other nature is so damaged it can't control itself. Makes me realize more and more everyday that people with BPD annd 'rescuers' aren't that different after all.

[Ragnar1982]

The only thing I haven't blocked is email. I'm ok though. I actually just talked to one of her old friends that I never met. She was nice enough to talk to me about all this and why their friendship dissolved. Good lord what a revelation! Turns out all of my gut feelings and instincts were true! Oh the things I was just told would make your head spin. So many things I didn't know and were unclear, are VERY clear now. I never got the whole story from her. I just continued right on trying to help the damsel in distress. Turns out she did A LOT of unacceptable stuff throughout our relationship and I never got the whole story from her. What a joke, but I'm going to hang onto the positives of this experience. I now know what I should and should not accept. I know that if something seems fishy, it probably is. My whole world would have just been rocked right now if I didn't already have a feeling some of this stuff was going on. Thank god I trusted my gut!

[marti644]

Ragnar,

I feel the same way. I asked her four days before she left "Is there anything you want to tell me, I have a feeling there is something you're not telling me". I should have followed my gut earlier, but I got out before we got engaged, which was in the not-so-distant future. It could have been  am much worse experience.

I am trying to accept the good times for what they were; good times. I hope to have some of the things we had together with someone who wants and is capable of being with me and accepting me in the long-term. And accept that the bad times simply meant we weren't going to be together long-term and this relationship would never work.

Not an easy process, but one day at a time.

[blueblue12]

It's so hard but the idea of writing down all the bad traits and all the bad things that happened is a good way of keeping perspective on the real relationship and what I actually went through. Especially the last year when I was treated so poorly. But I have the problem of often remembering her sweet side and missing her. The trouble is the sweet side was hardly there and most of the time it was problem after problem that I had to deal with.

Whether it was problems with girlfriends that she was falling out with, to issues at work, to her own insecurities and depression. And I was the supporter, the enabler, but like my T asked recently "and who was looking after you?" Well no one really. The NC is definitely hard but I have no choice and have to continue. And she left me, but then she wanted to keep me around somehow, the friend, whatever, I couldn't do that.

And over the years there were so many times after the horrible arguments, rage, the breaking of things, and the treatment I endured that I thought of leaving many times, but I was so hooked that I could not do it.

Now despite all the terrible times I still miss her, but it would never work again and there is just no point of even thinking about any possibilities. The end was terrible. I have never been treated with such coldness and detachment, it was so weird... .

[IamGrey]

I broke 4 months hardcore NC today due to boredom and really wish I hadn't. I didn't contact her, I just checked her social media. She's already engaged to the new guy (instant replacement) and whilst it's proof as to just how disordered she is, knowing still made me feel awful.

If ever there was a trigger to never contact her again, this was it. 4 years down the drain (3 years engaged) and God knows how long to recover from it.

[Ragnar1982]

Grey,

I feel for you. Don't sweat the "engagement". If anything, feel sorry for the poor sap who is being strung along now. I had so many revelations today after speaking to one of her ex friends that just bolstered my resolve never to contact this evil woman again. I pray you find your strength.

[earlyL]

 The end was terrible. I have never been treated with such coldness and detachment, it was so weird... .

This is exactly what happened with me, at the moment the end is so much in my memory I cannot see the good times, which I think is helping. Sadly I am not able to be NC as we run a business together for the next month, then I can leave and I cannot wait, I really think NC is the best way forward.

[blueblue12]

Grey I also feel for you, be strong! But also think about that relationship, is it doomed already? Probably. When I think back at my time, ten year relationship / marriage it probably lasted that long because I did not put a stop to it years earlier... .I just went along with hundreds of red flags, I just kept thinking it was all going to go back to the beginning love, had no idea about BPD, so there you go! We get hurt by their selfish behaviours, it is a horrible trap... .wish you all the best.

[IamGrey]

Cheers guys.

Also I'm sure she's been diagnosed. She gas a tattoo of a ladybug on her wrist and when I asked what its significance was, she replied 'It represents who I am'. I made nothing of it at the time, but now know it's the symbol of NEA.BPD. It's just too much of a coincidence, given all the red flags.

I still wouldn't advise people on checking up on their ex's when in NC, it hurts, but I guess the validation helps in the detachment process.


Sorry to hijack this thread btw.

[Ragnar1982]

You aren't hijacking at all. If this post brought that thought to your mind, then what better place to put it out there? Man... .there were so many red flags that I ignored. I gave the benefit of the doubt. I had so many opportunities to walk away, but love kept me looking past her obvious shortcomings as a respectable person. Had I known then what I just found out yesterday, I would have been far away from this con artist months and months ago. I thought it was just BPD, but after what I learned yesterday from an old friend of hers, she is also clearly sociopathic. Uses people for her advantage... .money, sex, revenge, status, etc. The sad thing is, there was a pivotal moment early September when she had a breakdown. Caused her to leave work for 3 months, delete her social media, start therapy, change her phone number, etc. She leaned on me for support, and out of love I gave it to her without asking too many follow up questions. She said it was a breakdown due to her anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. Turns out, she was sleeping with and sending erotic photos and messages to her "friends" husband and got caught. She lives in a tight knit community, so there were people after her. She basically went into lockdown and hiding, and fell back on me for support. I knew something didn't seem right at that time, but she conned me into thinking she was just "simplifying her life". Garbage. If she had told me what was really going on she knows I would have been unavailable to her in a heartbeat.

This is one of MANY things I learned about yesterday, in addition to finding out I was definitely the side guy... .Over a year of lies and abuse... .disgusting. My compassion for her has gone out the window. If I hear from her again, I'm going to destroy her.