husband newly diagnosed. tired

[Sidney09]

I'm so glad I found this board. I finally feel like I haven't lost my mind. My husband was just diagnosed and I feel relieved but scared. I am exhausted and I don't know how much longer I can do this... .for my own health and personal safety.

When do you know when to leave? He keeps saying he'll change but he never does.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Panda39]

Hi Sidney09,

I wanted to welcome you to the BPD Family 

I'm on these boards because my SO (siginificant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) so I'm coming at BPD from a bit of a different vantage point.  I can relate to your feeling relieved and scared I felt that way too once my SO and I figured out what was going on with his ex.  It was a relief to know the chaos and crazy behaviors had a name but scary because I had not come face to face with a mental health issue before.

My suggestion is to learn about BPD before making decisions about leaving.  I started by first reading many of the books on BPD in my Library system through them I got a good idea of what BPD is and how it manifests itself in my SO's ex.  I began to see patterns in her behavior where before I only saw chaos and abuse.  I began to see some of the things that would trigger her.  Coming here helped with getting my anger at her under control, provided tools to better communicate, or to know when not to respond and insight into why she did some of the things she did... .just gave me a place to ask questions and vent and learn.

The support here is great everyone gets it because we've all been there. 

How has your Husband reacted to the diagnosis?  Is he receiving therapy?  What does your relationship look like currently.

Panda39

[gotbushels]

Hi Sidney09   and welcome.

I join Panda39 in welcoming you here.

And I'm glad you've found this board. It certainly felt like a big relief in terms of self-awareness of my sanity when I learned of this site and its content.

Mixed feelings of relief and fear may come when the partner is diagnosed. There's a point of reference and indications of direction--that's relief. The difficulties along the way--there's fear there. You aren't alone in this.

Yes, exhaustion--especially that of physical and emotional exhaustion--is often a result of being in a relationship with a pwBPD. The heightened requirements of living with such a person can cause us to feel drained.

Panda39's right, you can understand BPD here. Apart from understanding BPD and your partner, you may also look at your own health and personal safety. So you may consider this alongside your reading:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind
A short video on what mindfulness looks like for yourself is here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.msg604907#msg604907

I hope you find peace and hope to hear how your progress unfolds.

[LightnessOfBeing]

Welcome Sidney09. Sorry you're dealing with this - you're not alone. The boards are full of good advice about deciding whether to stay or go. Although I haven't as yet succeeded for myself, it's my ardent hope that no one else stays in a relationship with a pwBPD past the point where their own health and safety are being seriously impacted. Making the decision to leave any marriage is hard; when your partner has BPD, it can be significantly harder. Sometimes there are emotional/interpersonal issues of our own that keep us 'chained' to these unhealthy relationships that we need to work out with a therapist in order to free ourselves.

My BPDh has been promising change for years; yet he's managed to find excuses to avoid therapy even to this day. Some of them drag their feet for decades and finally make real changes, some don't. Because we can't change the disordered person, the emphasis on this site is that we focus instead on ourselves and our own well-being and decisions. Boundaries are important; Nons should set them and maintain them even in the face of raging/guilting/tantruming. Protecting ourselves is an important priority.   

[Sidney09]

Thank you all.

He accepts the diagnosis mostly. But he is not making much effort to seek help or to really try and work on himself. I feel like I'm doing the most work.

It's hard to trust him when he says he wants to get better, but turns around and yells or treats me so badly. I honestly don't know how to do this.

[gotbushels]

It's good that he accepts the diagnosis to some extent.  We're here to help. It seems difficult and tiring to us when we feel we're doing the lifting in a relationship. What do you think you can do about it?