she has gone... again

[Jayke]

hello,
 im new to here and new to forums so please forgive me if i stuff it up along the way.
i am a 39 year old male married to beautiful woman who i love deeply and admire greatly. we are best friends.
we met when we were teenagers and been together ever since. we have been married for 12 years and have 3 amazing children.
my wife has very strong BPD traits but has never been properly diagnosed ( she claims that any psychologist types are quacks and dont listen or help)
for many years i endured the sometimes bizarre and rollercoaster like emotions that go with BPD along with the raging and blame
im sure anyone here will understand what im talking about so i need not eloborate.
i guess over time you find ways to deal with the mood swings and raging etc even if is unhealthy for both of you.
3 years after we were married my wife got into the habit of drinking a lot, after time it happened every day to the point that she would be drunk when i got home from work.
her father is an abusive alcoholic that treats everyone very badly which made me even more concerned for her.
i realise now that alcohol took away her anxiety and stress,  she was self medicating i guess.
one day i got home from work and she was gone and so were her clothes.
i hadnt a clue what was going on and then it dawned on me that she had left.
i did not see the signs or maybe there wasnt any.
for a couple of months she tortured me and kept me swinging waiting for her to tell me what she wanted to happen.
Eventually she admitted that she still loved me and moved back in.
our relationship has been wonderful and now we have 3 beautiful children 3,5 and 7 years old.
3 days ago i got a text on my mobile phone saying that she is no longer in love with me and she does not want to talk.
i feel that she still loves me but i dont want to push her away more by saying the wrong thing to her. do i give her space and leave her alone or will that cause her to drift away even further.
on the other hand if i bombard her with my feelings and thoughts it might push her away more also.
i am very aware that this is not about me.
i really love her and cherish our relationship but i am lost in a sea of emotions and i need some urgent help to stop me drowning.
thank you for any feedback or insights you might give

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stayingsteady]

Hey Jayke!

I can definitely understand the pain that you are dealing with.  A lot of people here have dealt with situations very similar to yours so you are definitely at a place where you can feel comfortable sharing your pain and emotions.

Many people here have much more experience than I do, but I believe you're doing a lot of things right.  You're being extremely sensitive to her thoughts and feelings, are allowing her to have space, and being sensitive with the appropriate timing of communication.  With all the things you're doing correctly you may just want to keep doing them... .

It's definitely hard because we never know what choice will be made by a partner with BPD.  On the plus side we can definitely take comfort knowing we did our part to the best of our ability, and it sounds like you're doing just that.

[Jayke]

Thank you for your insight and feedback, i have kept my feelings and thoughts to myself for nearly 20 years.
up until now i had pushed them down inside because i didnt want to admit to myself that i was not getting the love, affection, romance and the communication that i need and deserve.
When i type this stuff it seems ridiculous when i read it back to myself that any person would endure such emotional torture and go without so much for so long.
i was looking through a large box of letters that i written to her ever since we met, in every letter i apologised for things that i had never done and that i loved her more than the air i breathed.
I wrote that if i did not have her by my side i woild die.
i really do still feel like we are one entity and if she is not with me i dont exist.
i walk around in the shadows feeling like a transperant ghost that nobody can see.
I am a very passionate, romantic and affectionate person and not having that in my life has made me cling to her.
i slave away at work and home and do anything i can to make her happy but nothing works.
She has the ability to turn her emotions off like a light switch when things get too much.
i wrote her a letter a few days ago telling her that i love her, understand her and support whatever decisions she makes and she me back saying she felt nothing and she was numb when she read it.
she is also a master at the silent treatment.
It just feels good to talk about it

[Tiredman40]

Jayke,

I have been married 14 years, I am 40, and my wife did what your wife did around the 11 year mark. I understand pushing it down as I did too. I don't know what I would do in your current situation but wanted you to know you aren't alone.

She says the same things, silent treatment etc... .it is good to talk about, and I hope you find comfort here.

[Jayke]

Thanks for your support, i can relate to your user name !
I think the hardest thing to deal with is the silent tratment. She has mastered the skill of being so silent and disconnected that you end up wondering if you exist at all, feeling like a ghost caretaker that waits with baited breath for a smile or a small show of affection.
i am a loving caring romantic passionate fun and easy going guy.
Spending the last week without my wife made me realise i have forgotten who i really am.
i work, i race home every night to see her in the hope that she will say im glad your home, i missed you. AAnd give me a hug or kiss.
For 20 years i have done the same thing and not once has it happened.
Instead, i get home and i say hello... .silence.
There is no eye contact, no physical contact and no emotional contact.
it seems ridiulous when you put it into words. but its how it really is.
I love her.

[Jayke]

I promised myself that i would not make contact with her until she made contact with me.
What i was doing previously, texting and writing letters to her were doing nothing except maybe pushing her away from her emotions even further.
After 3 days i got a text saying that after thinking about it for a week, she felt it was time to tell me it was over between us,and that she can no longer be in a relationship with me. she would find a house to rent with our 3 kids and that i am welcome to see them when i like.
I replied saying that i understood that she wanted to end our relationship.
i also added that i love her very much and that she is my world.
i said that unfortunately i could not make her love me.
i went on to say that i would always be there if she ever needed someone to lean on or talk to.
i said i thought it was a pitty because i really thought we were soul mates.
is said that i didnt blame her for what had happened.
An hour passed and i get another text asking me to find somewhere to live so she could stay at home for a "little while".
For the first time in my life i stood up to hear and said that i could not.
i said that i will have to spend a lot of time getting our house ready for sale and i had already offered to live downstairs in the study for the time being.
she sent back, so i will need to come and get the kids then.
I replied that i wanted our kids to sleep in their own beds and that i didnt want them around her abusive father ( she was staying at her parents home) .
Ironic that she has run away from the only person who ever loved and cared for her back to hera abusive alcoholic father.
i apologised if this had put her and that she wanted this not me.

The next thing i expected was a tyrade of abuse and blame.
Instead she turned up 15 minutes later to get some clothes for the next couple of days and said NOTHING of it.
Just when you think you know what to expect hay.
Keeps you guessing.