My birthday is coming up soon and I'm increasingly thinking about how my parents approached this day over the past 6 years.
I'm afraid I might say something... .because I'm still angry. I wish I weren't angry.
Hopefully, it may be some comfort to you to learn that others share very similar experiences when it comes to birthdays / presents.
My uBPD mother uses the following routine: "I don't know what to get you for your birthday or christmas", "I don't
want for anything mother - it's up to you"... .of course she then gets me absolutely nothing and when I ask her why she says I told her not to: it's my fault she didn't bother (even to get a token gift) and she can wallow in a state martyrdom as the maligned parent.
Remarkably, my next door neighbours (who she met once or twice over 10 years ago) may get a christmas card when I get none.
In my teenage years christmas was a nightmare. Parents had separated and mom found herself a best girlfriend. Whilst myself and grandma were buying sensible christmas gifts the best friend got entrapped buying ever more elaborate and expensive presents in a desparate bid to please her. It culminated in a whole camera kit over numerous parcels - the lenses, body, case, film, flash, etc... .our $30 gift was outshone by maybe $600 gear!
She still rails about the hurt I caused her concerning events 30 years later, such as my college graduation, in that case I'd had lunch with my father (they'd been separated 13 years and she hasn't invited) before the ceremony, but she was included in the ceremony and the garden party thereafter. The moment we were in the car going home after the event the ranting and wailing started about how hurtful I'd been. What the heck?
The last time she tried that routine (25 years afterwards) I told her she had it all wrong - it was my day, my degree, my hard work, etc. - and put the phone down on her and went NC for 6 months.
When I got my first job - a sales cashier in Harrods - she announced that it was the duty of a son to buy his mother a present from his first paycheck! The only gift that would do was a TV set (worth $120 when my gross was $140 per week). Obviously that whole set up was ridiculous so I bought her a skirt instead - she opened the present and flung it across the room at me shouting "THIS WON'T DO!
In my late teens I had bought her a painting and necklace from my holiday allowance when I went to the Edinburgh Festival with a friend (that year, whilst I stayed with friends in the UK at age 15, she spent 6 weeks in New Zealand so easily 95% of the holiday cash went on her anyway). She loved the gifts but then declared they didn't count as presents since she had provided the holiday allowance in the first place.
Luckily there are answers. I learned that you cannot have an expectation for a normal relationship with a uBPD mother. You have to accept that. Certain events, and certainly gift giving, brings out some the worst in my experience. But these reactions are just symptoms and examples of the real problem: the borderline is not functioning and experiencing the world like the rest of us.
You cannot afford to become entrapped in the game plays.
As a result the relationship has to be managed . You have to take control. Developing boundaries is a key strategy (see resources on the is website). When I didn't get a present or card this christmas, for example, I decided not to reward that behaviour and didn't ring her for christmas day (we live in different countries) and sat and waited for her to ring me instead - of course she didn't (she would have been fuming that I hadn't rung her and railing at her best friend about it all to feel that sense of martyrdom).
It is my opinion that one has no choice but to detach emotionally. I can imagine her ranting about me behind my back and now I just don't care! I know that she will also lie if it suits her purpose. I know she has lied about me behind my back.
The key for me was to realise that I had to stop seeking validation from this person once and for all - the moment I start to care what she thinks of me, I'll get sucked right back in!
Looking back these experiences have certainly affected my adult relationships: if anything I've been far too generous (naturally the child of a BPD mom tries too hard to please people). I wish I'd known that she had BPD: then I could have put a name to it, convince myself it was her, not me, recruit my father to a state of awareness (although he'd left anyway) and draw on the experiences of others not to mention do self work using the healing plan. At the time, I did seek inspiration from other families known to me who appeared to have more functional inter relationship. I spent a lot of time in the neighbour's house as a kid - it was sanctuary. I was also fortunate that my grandma offered an abundance of normalcy and unconditional love.
I guess the bottom line is simply not to walk back into that dragon's den (unless you are fully armed with your boundaries, self awareness and emotional detachment!).
As I 've been working through my own stuff and being resolute about my boundaries, the anger has substantially abated as the sense of control goes up.
There are many loving and good people out there ready to share and to nurture. Whereas our experiences may cause us some distress and uncertainty, our abusive parents cannot steal away from us who we really are inside - good people who ended up in some unfortunate circumstances!