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Author Topic: Residual anger  (Read 351 times)
caughtnreleased
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« on: February 19, 2017, 09:51:01 AM »

My birthday is coming up soon and I'm increasingly thinking about how my parents approached this day over the past 6 years. They didn't even call me on my birthday. They would send me a happy birthday and that was it. Nothing more. My sister who lives in the same city as me would simply send a short text saying happy birthday. My parents would write to me about how they went to the birthday parties of the children of their friends. Essentially: Look we celebrated X's birthday with her. I even once wrote to my father saying I was hurt that no one in my family could even pick up the phone to talk to me on my birthday. He ignored me. My mother would leave excuses that she thought I would be out, or busy on that day.
Well, a few months ago, my mother spilled the beans. 6 years ago, I had moved to a new city. I was trying to secure my friendships and felt a bit insecure about it obviously. I threw a birthday party with my new friends. My parents were in town at the time staying at my sisters house. My sister did some back and forth about whether my parents should come to my party. Since it was for me to secure new friendships, I preferred that my parents not be there - it would have made me feel even more insecure.

Well my mother 6 years later essentially told me that they were hugely insulted that they were "told not to come" - which is not the case since I never spoke to them - they were communicating through my sister so I don't know what she said.  And my mother told me that she would NEVER FORGET that I didn't want my own parents to come to my birthday party... .and there for 6 years they have given me the cold shoulder on my birthday.  And she told me my father WAS SO ANGRY about that too and I better ask him about it.  After she told me that - like 30 minutes later - I asked my father about it. And you know what the coward said to me? "I don't remember. No I don't think so. Were we around that year? I don't remember".

I was so hurt every year when they ignored me, and I had NO IDEA that they were simply harbouring a grudge and making me PAY for being independent. But now I'm angry.  Now that they finally got this crap off their chest they will be in town to celebrate my birthday. But now I am resentful - all those years of hurt - I was baffled. I called them every year for their birthdays - and not only that - It was always a big to do. I never understood that they were being petty.  They succeeded in a way because I let them make me think that there was something really wrong with me. I have been single for so long that's it's beginning to look like I can't truly achieve my independence. I have dated men who are narcissists/BPD and I am left reeling. I feel alone and not having a family of my own is really making me feel like I have failed to achieve my independence from this toxic family.  I now have cordial relations with them because I am able to distance myself from a lot of their crap and have indulged my mother on a few things... .I've give a bit and it has led to a few openings. But still there are some things, like this that remain hard for me to swallow.

I'm afraid I might say something... .because I'm still angry. I wish I weren't angry. I wish I truly were independent, had everything I wanted in my life and therefore couldn't care less about their petty grudges - wish I had someone who loved me to wish me a happy birthday all those years that they gave me the cold shoulder, wish I had someone to love me today so that I can grow stronger, and not be afraid of their "punishment" and "ostracizing". If I don't behave I get "kicked out" of the family.

While it's easy to tell someone to build their own life without the narcissist/BPD - I have been trying trust me - it is incredibly difficult, especially since one's family experience is that if you don't behave in a certain way the family with kick you out. This is not just aggression from my BPDmom, but also from my father who probably has some BPD traits as well.  I grew up in a family of "BPDs" - it feels like. When your experience of family is toxic, it's hard to build a family that is completely different than what you know. Honestly, I don't understand how other people who grew up in a family with BPD have been able to find healthy spouses - it baffles me - how did you do it! I keep walking into the dragon den... .
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Basenji
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« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2017, 03:01:09 PM »

My birthday is coming up soon and I'm increasingly thinking about how my parents approached this day over the past 6 years.
I'm afraid I might say something... .because I'm still angry. I wish I weren't angry.

Hopefully, it may be some comfort to you to learn that others share very similar experiences when it comes to birthdays / presents.

My uBPD mother uses the following routine: "I don't know what to get you for your birthday or christmas", "I don't
want for anything mother - it's up to you"... .of course she then gets me absolutely nothing and when I ask her why she says I told her not to: it's my fault she didn't bother (even to get a token gift) and she can wallow in a state martyrdom as the maligned parent.

Remarkably, my next door neighbours (who she met once or twice over 10 years ago) may get a christmas card when I get none.

In my teenage years christmas was a nightmare. Parents had separated and mom found herself a best girlfriend. Whilst myself and grandma were buying sensible christmas gifts the best friend got entrapped buying ever more elaborate and expensive presents in a desparate bid to please her. It culminated in a whole camera kit over numerous parcels - the lenses, body, case, film, flash, etc... .our $30 gift was outshone by maybe $600 gear!

She still rails about the hurt I caused her concerning events 30 years later, such as my college graduation, in that case I'd had lunch with my father (they'd been separated 13 years and she hasn't invited) before the ceremony, but she was included in the ceremony and the garden party thereafter. The moment we were in the car going home after the event the ranting and wailing started about how hurtful I'd been. What the heck?

The last time she tried that routine (25 years afterwards) I told her she had it all wrong - it was my day, my degree, my hard work, etc. - and put the phone down on her and went NC for 6 months.

When I got my first job - a sales cashier in Harrods - she announced that it was the duty of a son to buy his mother a present from his first paycheck! The only gift that would do was a TV set (worth $120 when my gross was $140 per week). Obviously that whole set up was ridiculous so I bought her a skirt instead - she opened the present and flung it across the room at me shouting "THIS WON'T DO!

In my late teens I had bought her a painting and necklace from my holiday allowance when I went to the Edinburgh Festival with a friend (that year, whilst I stayed with friends in the UK at age 15, she spent 6 weeks in New Zealand so easily 95% of the holiday cash went on her anyway). She loved the gifts but then declared they didn't count as presents since she had provided the holiday allowance in the first place.

Luckily there are answers. I learned that you cannot have an expectation for a normal relationship with a uBPD mother. You have to accept that. Certain events, and certainly gift giving, brings out some the worst in my experience. But these reactions are just symptoms and examples of the real problem: the borderline is not functioning and experiencing the world like the rest of us.

You cannot afford to become entrapped in the game plays.

As a result the relationship has to be managed . You have to take control. Developing boundaries is a key strategy (see resources on the is website). When I didn't get a present or card this christmas, for example, I decided not to reward that behaviour and didn't ring her for christmas day (we live in different countries) and sat and waited for her to ring me instead - of course she didn't (she would have been fuming that I hadn't rung her and railing at her best friend about it all to feel that sense of martyrdom).

It is my opinion that one has no choice but to detach emotionally. I can imagine her ranting about me behind my back and now I just don't care! I know that she will also lie if it suits her purpose. I know she has lied about me behind my back. The key for me was to realise that I had to stop seeking validation from this person once and for all - the moment I start to care what she thinks of me, I'll get sucked right back in!

Looking back these experiences have certainly affected my adult relationships: if anything I've been far too generous (naturally the child of a BPD mom tries too hard to please people). I wish I'd known that she had BPD: then I could have put a name to it, convince myself it was her, not me, recruit my father to a state of awareness (although he'd left anyway) and draw on the experiences of others not to mention do self work using the healing plan. At the time, I did seek inspiration from other families known to me who appeared to have more functional inter relationship. I spent a lot of time in the neighbour's house as a kid - it was  sanctuary. I was also fortunate that my grandma offered an abundance of normalcy and unconditional love.

I guess the bottom line is simply not to walk back into that dragon's den (unless you are fully armed with your boundaries, self awareness and emotional detachment!).

As I 've been working through my own stuff and being resolute about my boundaries, the anger has substantially abated as the sense of control goes up.

There are many loving and good people out there ready to share and to nurture. Whereas our experiences may cause us some distress and uncertainty, our abusive parents  cannot steal away from us who we really are inside - good people who ended up in some unfortunate circumstances!  







    
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2017, 09:45:04 PM »

Basenji,

Thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds truly awful and traumatizing. Yes, these are such sensitive things for us - they really hit us as the core of our wounds - they are our parents after all. 

The expensive camera experience makes me think of my ex actually - one of the replacements he moved on to did exactly the same as your mother's best friend - she would buy him a TV, or a really expensive camera - but he complained and didn't like it. Deep down I think they know people are trying to "buy" them. I can imagine that the friendship your mom had with that woman did not last... .they never seem to.

The key for me was to realise that I had to stop seeking validation from this person once and for all - the moment I start to care what she thinks of me, I'll get sucked right back in!    

Yes all the way to this. Maybe the anger then is directed at myself for not having realized this earlier. I was seeing a T and she kept saying this to me and I was a little bit annoyed because how could I stop myself from being hurt by hurtful actions? I couldn't understand it. When someone hits you in the face it hurts... .you can't control it. And then one day I finally realized what it meant. And now a lot of what my parents say bounces off me.  But now I'm angry at myself for having continued for so long to seek validation from her. I'm angry because I was doing the same thing with my ex for so long until one day it finally clicked that a human being means nothing more to him than a line of cocaine. Asking what do I mean to him vs his replacements is like asking whether he values the first line or cocaine or the second more. Or the line he did on Monday vs. the one he did on Thursday. Really all of us probably mean the same thing to them which is: very little. It took me a loongg to reach a place where I could understand and accept it. Essentially I had to find acceptance inside of myself.

So all of that to say - I am angry with myself for having wasted so much time seeking validation from someone who cannot give it. I feel like I threw so much time away.

Maybe the question is how to I stop being angry with myself for being manipulated? For letting myself be hurt? For playing their stupid cruel game? For wasting so much time. How do I stop kicking myself. Yes I think the anger is definitely self directed really.
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The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
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« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2017, 09:54:13 PM »

cnr,

When you say you don't feel independent,  I see a woman who is very independent. Or do you mean wanting to not be dependent upon narcissistic people emotionally?
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Basenji
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« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2017, 11:47:11 PM »

Maybe the question is how to I stop being angry with myself for being manipulated? For letting myself be hurt? For playing their stupid cruel game? For wasting so much time. How do I stop kicking myself. Yes I think the anger is definitely self directed really.

Just some thought bubbles... .Thought... .don't know if any apply others... .

It's important to remember that I have been victim. I wasn't the problem. I was too young to know what was going on. But I survived and still have achieved much in life!

I am seeking to change my focus from the memories of the negative experiences and onto the miracle of having survived all that craziness! That those experiences have endowed greater insight into myself and others!

Yes, it is hard to confront the long list of things in life that probably didn't go to plan as a result of the psychological responses you get having a been a child coping with a uBPD parent: yeah, a PhD that got ditched, some relationships that didn't meet their potential, etc, etc.

Fine, I can't change that now. Only my behaviours in the present and outlook / goals for the future.

NO more kicking myself - time for positive action! Divert the emotion from negative to positive!
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« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2017, 12:57:02 PM »

Hi Caughtnreleased,

Another person here with a "me too!" My mother commonly remembers slights from twenty, thirty years ago, which she occasionally brings out to remind me what a horrible daughter I am. The funny thing about these stories is that, like with yours, often I didn't do anything wrong. It's taken me years to realize that. For years, I said everything was my fault because my mother convinced me that it was. Hooray to you for realizing that it's not your fault! And, as for anger, you are COMPLETELY entitled to feel angry. In fact, cherish that anger. It can be much healthier than some of the other behaviors that can show up like depression, cutting, etc.

Take care & be well.
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