How to deal with shame

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I struggle with shame. My mother and my ex have abused me for 40 years. BPD NPD mixed but more N

I feel ashamed of this. Like I am broken goods and not good enough for a healthy spouse/ girlfriend. I seem to be able to only attract ones with problems. Fortunately the more codep ones than the BPD ones. But broken nonetheless and I feel obligated to help them.

I have been through shock, anger, acceptance and most recently forgiveness. So I should be  ready to move on.

How can I build some momentum?
 

[Moselle]

I struggle with shame. My mother and my ex have abused me for 40 years. BPD NPD mixed but more N

I feel ashamed of this. Like I am broken goods and not good enough for a healthy spouse/ girlfriend. I seem to be able to only attract ones with problems. Fortunately the more codep ones than the BPD ones. But broken nonetheless and I feel obligated to help them.

I have been through shock, anger, acceptance and most recently forgiveness. So I should be  ready to move on.

How can I build some momentum?
 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Moselle,

This is a very brave post, and I admire you for stating what you feel so honestly and openly. I am truly sorry that you had to experience abuse at the hands of your mom and partner for so long. That is so painful.   I can relate to the belief that I have and will only attract messed up partners; for me it's more of a fear, as I believe I've had relatively healthy partners in the past.  

I have been through shock, anger, acceptance and most recently forgiveness. So I should be  ready to move on.

I hear you. And I think your feelings about this are very understandable.

As to building momentum: (You are probably already doing this, but I'll write it anyway.) I would allow myself to feel and acknowledge the shame when it comes up. You might want to challenge—or at least inquire into the veracity of—the belief that you are broken or not good enough. We ALL have a core message that we've taken onboard (Mine is that I'm not lovable, or that there is something wrong with me). These messages hurt--->we suppress and compensate----->we behave in certain ways---->we attract people and situations that evoke the core belief---->we feel the pain and try coping strategies to "stop" the problem---->the cycle continues until we accept that belief/feeling as a part of us. That doesn't mean we like it. Doesn't mean it's true (it's not). Doesn't mean we don't want to change (we can). It just means that we are willing to experience that hurt (I see it as kind of a separation wound) and embrace ourselves as we are, right here, right now. That's where real change happens, in my view.

Have you seen Brené Brown's work on shame? We have a video here: Listening to Shame | Brené Brown, PhD. I like the way she explains the difference between guilt and shame.

I think it's wonderful that you have arrived at forgiveness. Have you been able to forgive yourself?  

heartandwhole

[Moselle]

Hi Moselle,

This is a very brave post, and I admire you for stating what you feel so honestly and openly. I am truly sorry that you had to experience abuse at the hands of your mom and partner for so long. That is so painful.   I can relate to the belief that I have and will only attract messed up partners; for me it's more of a fear, as I believe I've had relatively healthy partners in the past.  

I hear you. And I think your feelings about this are very understandable.

Thanks H&W. I'm sorry too. Fortunately I have knowledge now, albeit not entirely healed. It seems quite surreal that in the reationship, I did not have this pain, nor the shame. I was however, also completely unaware. Maybe it was there, but supressed

It's a strange thing re: partners. I'm not really attracted to anyone right now. not cluster B, not codeps, and not healthy people. I have a goal and a vision of what it might look like and feel like to experience, but I'm not urgently seeking it.

I've become aware that my ex is more NPD than BPD (probably a 70/30 split), which changes few things. The biggest theats to an N are true frindship, intimacy, compassion and empathy. All the things I'm looking for in a relationship. They say you can determine the strength of your recovery by the health of the partners you attract. Well I 'm curious about what shows up rather than desperately seeking susan . I do have a few ladies who I am pursing a friendship with, with no real fireworks. I'm hoping that somehere, one of those may develop into something intimate, but I feel like I want to be able to say I'm beyond my abuse story before I start courting.

As to building momentum: (You are probably already doing this, but I'll write it anyway.) I would allow myself to feel and acknowledge the shame when it comes up. You might want to challenge—or at least inquire into the veracity of—the belief that you are broken or not good enough. We ALL have a core message that we've taken onboard (Mine is that I'm not lovable, or that there is something wrong with me). These messages hurt--->we suppress and compensate----->we behave in certain ways---->we attract people and situations that evoke the core belief---->we feel the pain and try coping strategies to "stop" the problem---->the cycle continues until we accept that belief/feeling as a part of us. That doesn't mean we like it. Doesn't mean it's true (it's not). Doesn't mean we don't want to change (we can). It just means that we are willing to experience that hurt (I see it as kind of a separation wound) and embrace ourselves as we are, right here, right now. That's where real change happens, in my view.

Accepting the feeling for me, would be a way of saying it has some useful purpose. Does shame have a useful purpose? Eg anger helps us recognise someone has crossed our boundary, fear warns us of danger.

Have you seen Brené Brown's work on shame? We have a video here: Listening to Shame | Brené Brown, PhD. I like the way she explains the difference between guilt and shame.

I think it's wonderful that you have arrived at forgiveness. Have you been able to forgive yourself?  

heartandwhole

That video is phenomenally good! Am I right in assuming that the antidote to shame is vulnerabilty? Open ourselves up to it acknowledge it, talk about it? I was feeling really sore, and talking about it or writing here seems to help. The pain releases.

Forgive myself? No I hadn't even thought about it. I'll try.

[valet]

Hey Moselle, you can't force forgiveness, and complex grief tends to take a while to heal from—meaning that you'll re-enter the different 'cycles' until you can find a natural center.

Let's get away from the jargon though. What are the things that you actually do on a somewhat frequent basis that make you feel ashamed of yourself?

[Moselle]

Hey Valet,

It's not really things I do that make me ashamed it's more what I am. A codependent (aka self love deficit disorder)

Here are list of the traits

 www.sdccoda.org/readings/Patterns2-2011.php

Shame is often the core of an addiction. In my case an addiction to other people, places and things . I find it very hard to focus on me, my goals, dreams and aspirations. So thinking of your question, maybe that is what I do - obsess about other people as a way to avoid taking responsibility for my life

I positively hate being codependent. It's a debilitating thing - a maladaptive set of behaviours learned as the child of can abuser,  to deal with the pain.

I was sitting here angry at my mother, angry at my ex-spouse for the deep pain I feel.

Having said all of that, I am grateful for this in a twisted way, because it forces me to fight for my health. What comes naturally to a healthy person is a hard fought victory for me.

I've learned to feel in the past 12 months where there was numbness. I am able, with meditation to observe my thoughts and feelings from a detached place. These are things which are second nature to a healthy person. I have fought for these things. I celebrate each new skill or distinction I make.

If I was not abused I would not have to dedicate such effort and energy to this recovery. It is like trench warfare, fought in the mud. Each metre of territory is paid for in hard work and pain.

It has been three years since discovering I was codependent. I have moved from victim to survivor, but the move from survivor to thriver is the toughest battle of my life.

I fear that a healthy person/ partner would not understand my journey. How could they know what it it is like to have fought for the healthy traits they already posess?  Why should they choose a relationship with someone who has this deficit?

I feel unworthy, unlovable

[infjEpic]

I struggle with shame.

For me, shame was associated with self blame, and with blame put upon me by the disordered person.

Do you think some part of you - feels responsible for what happened to you?

Do you understand, that it was not your fault?

[infjEpic]

If I was not abused I would not have to dedicate such effort and energy to this recovery.

I feel unworthy, unlovable

You know - I went through some tough experiences, and they probably made me more co-dependent.
Some people would go the other way, and become abusive.

It's worth bearing in mind tho - while you want to get that co-dependency under control, to the extent that you cannot be exploited, it's worth recognising that there are also a lot of virtues that come with it.

You're being very hard on yourself here.
I think you must have more compassion for yourself... .for that person who has been what you've been through.

And I wouldn't think of co-dependency as something you need to vanquish - just something you need to bring under more control.

I think you are very worthy and very lovable. You just didn't meet the right person yet.

[Moselle]

You know - I went through some tough experiences, and they probably made me more co-dependent.
Some people would go the other way, and become abusive.

It's worth bearing in mind tho - while you want to get that co-dependency under control, to the extent that you cannot be exploited, it's worth recognising that there are also a lot of virtues that come with it.

You're being very hard on yourself here.
I think you must have more compassion for yourself... .for that person who has been what you've been through.

And I wouldn't think of co-dependency as something you need to vanquish - just something you need to bring under more control.

I think you are very worthy and very lovable. You just didn't meet the right person yet.

Thanks infjEpic. I feel that I must have overcome the disorder and love myself, before I can be loved. Maybe I'm being hard, but I do feel a higher level of expectation of myself. I expect better, I want a better life than this codependent life. And I also believe in hard work, to solve problems. Emotional work is a bit different though - more intuitive than structured.

For me, shame was associated with self blame, and with blame put upon me by the disordered person.

Do you think some part of you - feels responsible for what happened to you?

Do you understand, that it was not your fault?

I do understand on a rational level. But I struggle on an emotional level

[Moselle]

I think you must have more compassion for yourself... .

I think you are right. Thank you for ther reminder

I just read my BPD family profile goals, and the following sticks out to me - "learning to love, soothe and accept myself":

"In the past I have made an unwise choice to hand power over to a person that exhibits traits of a serious mental disorder. I now pour all of my energy and love into healing and recovering myself, and actively holding myself accountable and responsible for my own life. This includes, my success, learning to love, soothe and accept myself, becoming excited about my life and its possibilities, being strong and asserting myself. Work hard at opportunities that I find stimulating, fathering my children and educating myself about how to act in the healthiest manner possible. I recognise that I have no control over my ex, or anybody else. I recognise that emotional health takes effort. That I need to heal my emotional mind from the childhood trauma and trauma from this relationship. I have chosen to be independent and healthy emotionally. I have shifted my focus from my ex to myself and from the past to the future, and the creation of an empowered future without her in it, physically, emotionally, socially and in every way, This involves complete detachment. I am excited to wake up in the morning and do my best. I feel challenged and invigorated."

[Reforming]

Hi Moselle,

Thanks for such a brave post.

I think a lot of us struggle with shame - it's present in some shape or form in every society on the planet.

This is my experience of coping with shame.

In Schema therapy you identify the part of yourself that punishes and triggers shame - the punitive parent. This is often the internalised voice of one of our parents who shamed, punished, subjugated us and made us feel powerless, but this critical parent can also be an amalgamation of a number different people from our life.

In therapy the T models a healthy parent / adult by being supportive, nurturing and offering unconditional acceptance. They are never punitive, or judgemental.

This builds a bond of trust with the patient but it's most important purpose to help the patient to develop this part of themselves internally.

As this healthy loving adult part of grows stronger and more powerful it is able to challenge and reject the shaming punitive voice. This takes time and practice but it works.

Schema also uses guided imagery to help nurture this process. For example the T encourages you to pick a moment in your childhood where you felt powerless, shamed, abandoned and step back in time.

They ask you to describe the scene in as much detail as possible. What clothes were you wearing? What can you smell? What can you hear?  

Then the T asks permission to step into this moment with the adult part of you and begin a dialogue with that abandoned child.

What is the child / you feeling?  What's happened to make you feel this?

The T offers empathy, support and validation asking the child / you what they need to help them feel better?

The therapist offers this

It's a surprisingly powerful technique and worth trying yourself.

This is all part of a process, called limited reparenting

Reaching out to the vulnerable, small part you that deserves unconditional love, validation, connection and support and actively engaging to meet those needs.  This relationship is built on unconditional acceptance, compassion, kindness and genuine desire to listen and understand. This healthy adult part of you should never punish, blame or shame this child.

You can practice this in written dialogues - I did that in Schema

Find a photo of yourself as a four year old, try and really identify to that child with empathy and love. Recognise that you are building a new relationship from scratch - this little you has probably felt abandoned for a long time so takes time, effort and practice to build trust and communication

I would describe this process as self parenting and it's a great way to disarm shame.

I feel that I must have overcome the disorder and love myself, before I can be loved. Maybe I'm being hard, but I do feel a higher level of expectation of myself. I expect better, I want a better life than this codependent life. And I also believe in hard work, to solve problems. Emotional work is a bit different though - more intuitive than structured.

I don't mean any offence but this feels demanding, punitive. I must have overcome the disorder and love myself before I can be loved. I expect better, I want better

You're making a lot of demands of yourself. These can trigger shame when you feel that you're not meeting them.

I've been guilty of this too but when we blame or punish ourself for not meeting unrealistic expectations we are shaming ourself too.

I understand that you're grieving for the loss of your childhood and your marriage and you want to move forward but you will make much more sustainable progress if you make a conscious effort to be kind to yourself and manage your exceptions.

You have come a long way in a short time - celebrate your victories and give yourself a big hug. You deserve it.

Reforming

[valet]

Hey Valet,

It's not really things I do that make me ashamed it's more what I am. A codependent (aka self love deficit disorder)

Here are list of the traits

 www.sdccoda.org/readings/Patterns2-2011.php

Shame is often the core of an addiction. In my case an addiction to other people, places and things . I find it very hard to focus on me, my goals, dreams and aspirations. So thinking of your question, maybe that is what I do - obsess about other people as a way to avoid taking responsibility for my life

I positively hate being codependent. It's a debilitating thing - a maladaptive set of behaviours learned as the child of can abuser,  to deal with the pain.

I was sitting here angry at my mother, angry at my ex-spouse for the deep pain I feel.

Having said all of that, I am grateful for this in a twisted way, because it forces me to fight for my health. What comes naturally to a healthy person is a hard fought victory for me.

I've learned to feel in the past 12 months where there was numbness. I am able, with meditation to observe my thoughts and feelings from a detached place. These are things which are second nature to a healthy person. I have fought for these things. I celebrate each new skill or distinction I make.

If I was not abused I would not have to dedicate such effort and energy to this recovery. It is like trench warfare, fought in the mud. Each metre of territory is paid for in hard work and pain.

It has been three years since discovering I was codependent. I have moved from victim to survivor, but the move from survivor to thriver is the toughest battle of my life.

I fear that a healthy person/ partner would not understand my journey. How could they know what it it is like to have fought for the healthy traits they already posess?  Why should they choose a relationship with someone who has this deficit?

I feel unworthy, unlovable

Do you really feel these ways, or are you letting the literature on codependency dictate what you should be feeling to you?

There is no magic essence that makes you who you are. Who you are is the set of decisions and patterns you ascribe to yourself on a daily basis. And these things are very changeable with a little bit of elbow grease. It's a very distorted way of thinking to believe that you are helpless because you have this secret 'ailment of helplessness', like an aura that surrounds you, preventing you from going out and doing the little things that will help you build confidence in yourself.

Our feelings do not have to dictate our actions. Start very, very small. Say you have a couple of days off and don't feel like socializing. Call a friend instead and be open to interacting. Just be open to something else. You won't always succeed and it won't always be comfortable, but the only way to learn to manage these feelings is by actually feeling them and making good decisions despite the pressure you put on yourself.

[heartandwhole]

I'm hoping that somehere, one of those may develop into something intimate, but I feel like I want to be able to say I'm beyond my abuse story before I start courting.

I can understand that. It makes a lot of sense. If you do find yourself wanting to get closer to someone before you feel "resolved," you could maybe practice new skills like honesty, expressing vulnerability, etc. (whatever you value in yourself and relationships) and see what happens. I realize that takes courage!   And it's something I really want to be able to do myself, when the time comes.

Accepting the feeling for me, would be a way of saying it has some useful purpose. Does shame have a useful purpose? Eg anger helps us recognise someone has crossed our boundary, fear warns us of danger.

I don't know if the feeling of shame is useful. Acceptance for me is helpful because whether an experience/feeling is useful or not isn't the issue. It simply IS, because I'm experiencing it. So, acceptance for me is about embracing what is—what I'm experiencing—which allows me to move deeper into my true nature, or what is true for me.

If there is usefulness in feeling shame, it might be that it is an alarm bell, warning that you are believing something in that moment which is not true for you, or it is something that a part of you fears is true. Feeling it, acknowledging it without judgment, even turning towards it—that in my experience is a way to break through patterns that keep us stuck.

Don't get me wrong, I find it very hard to do! But when I succeed, I feel like I've stepped up one more rung on a ladder to freedom from self-judgment and fear and insecurity. For me, there is no "final destination," where I'll never feel shame again. I don't want to feel it; I'm afraid to feel it, but I'm willing. I think growth is about learning to embrace what comes up within us with compassion. I think that is worth striving for.   

heartandwhole