Fear of stalking

[allthesame]

This is my 2nd post here, still making my way through the lessons and helpful links here.  They have helped a lot and I'm working with a therapist to try and heal the damaged caused by my BPD mother.

I feel like I've moved from a place of giving into her needs/wants, to one of hurt/sadness, then I blocked all forms of communication with her and on here to try and heal myself... .but I've found this new anger/hatred toward her and my past... .my abuse and thinking of it makes me so angry (and I'm not an angry person at all)... .so I'm not sure how to deal with or process these new emotions

on top of that all, I know all of her old tricks and games... .like she used to stalk my dad and do drive bys of his house after the divorce (with me as a child in the car with her of course)... .but now i feel like I have this growing irrational fear that she is stalking me... .not that I've seen/noticed anything but I just have this growing fear

I just want space and time to heal myself, and she's leaving me awful voicemails and forced me to block her emails... .I feel like I can't get the space I need to heal and now I fear she is stalking me... .

... .can anyone else relate? suggestions

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi allthesame:  

I'm working with a therapist to try and heal the damaged caused by my BPD mother. . .I feel like I've moved from a place of giving into her needs/wants, to one of hurt/sadness, then I blocked all forms of communication with her and on here to try and heal myself... .but I've found this new anger/hatred toward her and my past... .my abuse and thinking of it makes me so angry (and I'm not an angry person at all)... .so I'm not sure how to deal with or process these new emotions

I've found this new anger/hatred toward her and my past... .my abuse and thinking of it makes me so angry (and I'm not an angry person at all)... .so I'm not sure how to deal with or process these new emotions    

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time.    Working through the emotions of having an abusive parent can be similar to the grieving process for the death of a loved one.  If you look at the Survivor's Guide at the right, can you determine what step you think you are on?  Are you in the Remembering Phase?  

now i feel like I have this growing irrational fear that she is stalking me... .not that I've seen/noticed anything but I just have this growing fear. . .I just want space and time to heal myself, and she's leaving me awful voicemails and forced me to block her emails... .I feel like I can't get the space I need to heal and now I fear she is stalking me...
  

Can you block her phone number?  I'm thinking that would prevent her from leaving voicemails. I ended up doing that with my sister.  Since my last encounter with my sister was with her on my doorstep, in a rage and saying she was going to call the police on me, if I didn't write a check for her from our deceased parent's trust immediately.  After that event, I was a bit anxious that she might return.  

Documenting you thoughts can be a good way to process emotions.  Posting here can is one way.  Journaling in some other manner can help as well.  The quote below has some ideas to consider.  After the quote, there are a couple of links to discussions on anger that you might want to read.

RELEASING ANGER
Anger tends to come and go before it’s finally resolved. Yes, anger can be resolved, and should be. Rather than being held in the caustic grip of prolonged anger, you can chose to release the powerful and negative emotion. If you hang on to it for an extended period of time, it can become a stumbling block in your recovery. Even though it’s typical to feel this way, it’s important to get these feelings out. However, you don’t ever want to take your anger out on another person. There are some things you can do to release these emotions constructively. When feeling angry:

• Simply count to 10 or take several deep breaths.
• Scribble hard on paper or tear up strips of scrap paper, then wad up the papers and throw it all into the trash; imagine your anger being discarded with the paper.
• Draw, paint or use other art forms to express your anger.
• Talk to someone in your support system or let all your emotions out in your journal. Explain what makes you angry; be honest and open with your words and don’t worry about sounding “right.”
• Exercise and being active helps to release negative energy.
• You may feel like physically letting your emotions out; sometimes expression of anger does not come in words. In those times, you can find a safe place to vent your emotions by yelling, kicking, screaming, stomping your feet, shaking your body, pounding your fists into a pillow, or running. However, if you choose to release your anger in such a way, make sure you tell someone you trust what you are doing and always make certain you remain safe. You don’t ever want to hurt yourself or others while releasing your anger.
• You may choose to direct the negative force into something constructive by becoming an activist for a particular cause or advocate change where it’s needed.

You may find that expressing the feelings you have and helping others makes you feel better. Make the choice to let all the anger go from your heart and then replace it with love.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

ANGER AND HEALING

[allthesame]

Naughty Nibbler, thank you so much for your reply.

I think I'm somewhere between steps 4 (remembering) and step 5 (accepting)... .honestly I think it depends on the day, some days I feel better and feel more like accepting it and others I remember how hurt I was.

I started with blocking her texts, then she emailed my home email and I blocked that, then had her friend on facebook message so I blocked her friend, then my work email and I blocked that, then she started calling me so I blocked her phone calls... .I don't receive the calls any more which is great, but I still receive the voicemail she leaves (I'm not sure how to make it stop, I've tried googling it and can't find away to stop the voicemail)

Now pretty much all that is left are me hearing the voicemail, her writing me a letter, or stopping by my house.

I know from my past, she used to drive by and stalk my father during and after their divorce, so I just have this growing fear she is doing the same to me... .not that I could stop her.  I guess I wish I could just be left alone.  This all started because she wanted to be done with me, well after months of thinking she was, I guess I realized I was done with the drama/pain, and then she realized I wouldn't come crawling back this time which has lead to her reaching out negatively to me again and again.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Allthesame:

It's probably not possible to block calls at work, but you can delete them immediately and not listen to them.  It probably gives you some anxiety, when you get a voicemail, but you can limit the damage by deleting it as soon as you recognize who it is.

Some people use Google Voice to manage their phone calls and voicemails.  I believe Google Voice will let you flag phone numbers for actions like sending all voicemails to a spam folder. 

I think I'm somewhere between steps 4 (remembering) and step 5 (accepting)... .honestly I think it depends on the day, some days I feel better and feel more like accepting it and others I remember how hurt I was.

Everyone progresses through the steps differently.  Some faster, some slower and some might bounce back and forth for awhile.  If you feel stuck, let your therapist know and perhaps he/she might have some helpful ideas.

Regarding the possibility of your mom coming to your home, what would you do?  Sometime, it can help to think through what your plan would be.  You could just not answer the door.  Some people have a camera set-up, so they can see who is at their door.  Others, just don't answer the door, unless they are expecting someone or a delivery.  If she might come to your door and start yelling, you could call the police and have her removed from your property.  Just some thoughts to consider.  Sometime, if you have a plan on how you would handle it, you might have less anxiety.

How have you handled the letters?  Saved them, read them, shredded them, burned them?

[allthesame]

I'll have to check out google voicemail to see if they can go straight to a spam folder.  I have a self sabotaging urge to hear them even though I know they will hurt me, it would be better for me to not even see them.  Same with letters, I've read them and then trashed them.  I'm not expecting her to change so reading/listening to it all just causes me more harm than good.

I like the idea of pre-planning what I would do if she shows up.  I've considered just not opening the door, but I've feared her knowing I'm there and not leaving... .I had never considered calling the police.  I hope it doesn't come to that, but considering that as a possibility is a bit reassuring that I won't be stuck with her harassing me.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey allthesame:   

Sometimes it can be a matter of changing our habits.  The more you are successful with resisting listening and reading, the easier it will get. 

Hang in there. Take care of yourself.  Some mindfulness  exercises might help you tame thoughts about being stalked.   

[Panda39]

... .and then she realized I wouldn't come crawling back this time which has lead to her reaching out negatively to me again and again.

Your right you have changed the dynamic by doing something different, you did not act in the predictable way.  You've set a boundary here and pwBPD (people with BPD) will try to "boundary bust" and if they fail it can go to an "extinction burst"... .kind of like a temper tantrum.

The barrage of calls, texts, emails, social media etc. sounds like an extinction burst to me.  My advice is to stick by your boundary of NC (no contact) for as long as you need to be no contact.

Picture a 3 year old at the store that wants some candy and mom says no.  The 3 year old starts to whine or give mom the silent treatment and pouty face and mom still says no.  The 3 year old then starts having a screaming/crying tantrum.  What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  The 3 year old learned that if I throw a tantrum I get what I want.  What happens if mom continues to stick by her boundary/decision of no candy? The 3 year old will eventually get the message that no matter what she does or how loud she gets, or how much she embarrasses her mom in the store that she will not get the candy and that this tactic doesn't work.

Your mom is the 3 year old who wants candy and you are the mom with the boundary.  Your mom's behavior sucks, it's obnoxious, it's disruptive, and it's intrusive, but you have the right to decide who you see and when.  Right now you need space if you stick with it, it's my guess that things will eventually die down.  If your mom does escalate things up even higher and you see her drive by, just picture a 3 year old at the grocery store kicking and screaming on the floor 

Hang in there and do what you need to do for you! 

Panda39