She is doing better?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Why do I keep thinking she is doing better in life without me? Two years later I still feel like I was the one holding her back. That really bothers me. I mean I do want her happy and successful but I swear I tried to help.

[hurting300]

Why do I keep thinking she is doing better in life without me? Two years later I still feel like I was the one holding her back. That really bothers me. I mean I do want her happy and successful but I swear I tried to help.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hopefully you can forgive yourself for not being responsible for another persons mental well being and happiness.
 

Forgiving myself for things has been a struggle at time.  Much easier for me to beat myself up.  Just here and there, doing my best.

[hurting300]

Hopefully you can forgive yourself for not being responsible for another persons mental well being and happiness.
 

Forgiving myself for things has been a struggle at time.  Much easier for me to beat myself up.  Just here and there, doing my best.

Its just something that bothers me. I begged her to do good and finish college when she was with me. Now she actually finished. That hit me. And I really started blaming myself.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hurting300, The bottom line is: you are not responsible for the well-being of another adult, as Sunflower notes.  Suggest you let it go.  Also, if she suffers from BPD, I doubt she is doing as well as you think.  There's no magic bullet or cure for BPD, as you know.  Happiness for a pwBPD is a fleeting thing, so any lasting change seems unlikely.  My advice: Don't beat yourself up!  Be kind to yourself.  Time to forgive yourself?  You're human, my friend.

LuckyJim

[bus boy]

I know exactly how you feel. I like what sunFlOwer said. It think most of us struggle with " they doing better". I'm learning to observe Xw's actions. She is getting worse to parent with not better, how does your ex act towards you when you see her? My Xw looks and talks to me like I'm a nothing, stocks and harasses my sister so if your ex acts like this in anyway, I would say he/she is not doing better, has not detached and moved on. In a normal split up people are usually after a short period of time civil towards each other.

[hurting300]

Well it's just odd she was so lazy when she was with me. Now she works goes back to school. Granted I'm not around her. I don't want to be. But to the outside world I look guilty as hell.

[marti644]

hurting300,

Don't be so hard on yourself. You may not realize it yet but you are likely the reason she did better. She has her various reasons for being so stuck in her cycle because of the disorder that have nothing to do with you, but maybe you should consider that you had a good impact on her?

Have consolation that you helped someone, you planted the seed of that decision most likely.

Also ask yourself, were you trying to help her to go to school for you or for her? Shouldn't you just be happy she is getting an education? Why does it matter that it started after your relationship is over? Why is her going to school good or bad in connection with your feelings?

I know in my case if I really analyze my rescuer complex I was actually shaping her into the person I wanted her to be, instead of who she actually was. Which is not healthy. Just a thought to ponder.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sometimes a person needs for others to quit helping them in order to reach down inside them to find some inner resoirces that they didn't know they had in them.

Well it's just odd she was so lazy when she was with me. Now she works goes back to school.

Is it possible there was a bit of drama triangle going on when you were with her, you wanting to take the rols as rescuer?  
If so, this could be a worthy lesson to visit so you can look for ways to  address a rescuer tendency in yourself.  This is something that you can discuss here and we can help you help yourself vs comiserate with you.

Treating folks like they are capable is empowering them with tools to help themself vs rescuing/saving them.   :thought:Maybe you can find some tools to work on for your own healing?  Or look up drama triangle and ask questions about it?

[hurting300]

Sometimes a person needs for others to quit helping them in order to reach down inside them to find some inner resoirces that they didn't know they had in them.

Is it possible there was a bit of drama triangle going on when you were with her, you wanting to take the rols as rescuer?  
If so, this could be a worthy lesson to visit so you can look for ways to  address a rescuer tendency in yourself.  This is something that you can discuss here and we can help you help yourself vs comiserate with you.

Treating folks like they are capable is empowering them with tools to help themself vs rescuing/saving them.   :thought:Maybe you can find some tools to work on for your own healing?  Or look up drama triangle and ask questions about it?

Yes and No? I mean I own rental property now. I didn't have much when I was with her. When I would mention us working towards that goal and what we had to do she'd talk about how her ex's family had all this property and she dismissed me. I never "rescued" her. I simply wanted her to help out. She quit school she wouldn't work she expected me to pay her and I did. Now she's back in school and works. It's confusing.

[hurting300]

hurting300,

Don't be so hard on yourself. You may not realize it yet but you are likely the reason she did better. She has her various reasons for being so stuck in her cycle because of the disorder that have nothing to do with you, but maybe you should consider that you had a good impact on her?

Have consolation that you helped someone, you planted the seed of that decision most likely.

Also ask yourself, were you trying to help her to go to school for you or for her? Shouldn't you just be happy she is getting an education? Why does it matter that it started after your relationship is over? Why is her going to school good or bad in connection with your feelings?

I know in my case if I really analyze my rescuer complex I was actually shaping her into the person I wanted her to be, instead of who she actually was. Which is not healthy. Just a thought to ponder.

No I didn't try shaping her I don't think. I would tell her that she is capable of so much in life. Things like that.

[marti644]

Hurting,

What bothers you specifically about her going to school now? I suggest trying to answer the question in detail for yourself so you can uncover why it bothers you so much. I feel similar sorts of hurt about my BPD-ex improving after she bailed.

[hurting300]

What bothers me? What if I'm the one who held her back? What if that's why she left? I'm honestly happy she's doing better IF she is.

[Sunfl0wer]

What bothers me? What if I'm the one who held her back? What if that's why she left? I'm honestly happy she's doing better IF she is.

Oh, this is easy... .

You are NOT responsible for her success in life.
So yea, not your fault!
 

Good?

(Not gonna let you waif me out on this, )

... .
I am in a caring profession.
It gets tricky when folks want to thank me for helping them. 
My job, is not to save them. (Not an EMT or any emergency/rescue personelle)

I am cautious when people over thank me, paint me white, etc.
Cause if they hold me responsible for their healing too much, then they are bound to have a decline, and hold me responsible for that!
So I take myself off the drama triangle.
I remind them of their efforts in the process and that it was a team effort, NOT all me!

[marti644]

Hurting,

This is so hard I know. The contradictions are mind boggling in a BPD relationship. Like others have said, you need to forgive yourself. And this takes time. And if you were supporting her than you weren't holding her back. You were encouraging her. Her thought processes are very different than your own. She left for reasons you likely weren't responsible for. My ex literally disappeared after I commented that she needed to "work on how proud she was" because she would never say sorry. There is no logic in their reasoning most of the timing for when they do things. Decisions are impulsive.

[hurting300]

Hurting,

This is so hard I know. The contradictions are mind boggling in a BPD relationship. Like others have said, you need to forgive yourself. And this takes time. And if you were supporting her than you weren't holding her back. You were encouraging her. Her thought processes are very different than your own. She left for reasons you likely weren't responsible for. My ex literally disappeared after I commented that she needed to "work on how proud she was" because she would never say sorry. There is no logic in their reasoning most of the timing for when they do things. Decisions are impulsive.

My ex literally disappeared too without even telling me it was over. I only asked her to get a job and try. Oh and stop lying so much.