Will / When she come back?

[SuperJew82]

Nearly every post I've seen on this topic tells me that there is a high likelihood of her coming back to stir things up.

Background. 28 year old high functioning diagnosed BPD gf. We were together for a year and a half. After about 3 months she would start lying, cheating, stealing medication, etc... .

Every time she would do something like this, I would put my foot down and say " I'm done " . I would break up with her almost once a month after that and she would talk her way back into my life and I would give her another chance. This cycle must have happened a dozen times. I was miserable. She would text 70+ times a day without a reply from me. Then she would email my personal email. Then my business email. You get the idea.

The worst case was that my old phone would store blocked messages in a "blocked" folder. I wasn't strong enough to not read them. I finally spent 500 dollars to get a new phone/carrier that would block everything from getting into my hands. That was mid-Decemeber of last year. Sometimes when she was drunk she would spill out stories about some of her exes. For example, she met her deadbeat " baby-daddy " while stalking her previous ex. Dang.

The only "contact" I have had with her was on a free dating website which is how we initially met ( she sent the first message - and it took over 2 months for her to meet me, even though she lived 10 mins away). Every other day I look at her last login profile to see her activity, hoping she moves on - maybe just a little curious, but in no way jealous.

So I feel the need to have some type of plan to counter her potential stalking or communication assault. I might never happen, but patterns tell me otherwise.

I'd like to know how any of you guys have been in a situation like this. How long did they wait to reach out to you and what did they do?

[rfriesen]

Hi Super,

It sounds like you had to make a real effort to block some of her more insistent forms of communication. That's a big step towards keeping the stress of the relationship out of your life.

What worries you most about the thought of her reaching out now? What kind of "stalking" are you envisioning, or most anxious about? If she does reach out, do you want to maintain no contact?

[Rayban]

You have to stop looking at her dating profile log to see if she's moved on.  You're setting yourself up for more pain not to mention spending hours wondering what she is or isn't doing which ultimately prevents you from doing the things you want to.  

I know it's easier said than done but if you truly want to detach from her you can't waste anymore time wondering when will she finally contact you and how you're going to handle it. While you might not be jealous your actions seem like you still want another ride on the roller coaster.  Why would you even want to be jealous of somone who has lied, cheated, and stole from you?

My advice write down ten of the worst things she's done to you in other words 10 reasons to stay away and keep some place handy like on your phone.  Read it twice before responding to any contact (she shouldn't be able to in theory if you truly want to be no contact with her) Tell her she is nothing special and that her looks have detoriated  (even if it isn't true) and finally that you want nothing to do with her.

You will never hear from her again.  You will have deflated her shallowness and off she will go seeking validation from the guy or girl or more then likely a whole group of people.

[SuperJew82]

You are absolutely right. I really can't explain why I look at her online dating activity ( she is blocked there as well ).

After a few months of no contact, I am truly peaceful now. Oh jeez... .I did the whole "write down all the bad things" idea. It was something I came up with on my own. It was a long freaking list. I would hear my friends yap about their spouses - and sometimes I feel like telling them " you have no freaking idea how good you have it ".

It's amazing how we can be manipulated and exploited. I never had a dysfunctional relationship like this before. I'm not a pushover. I'm not dumb. I'm a good looking guy with a good career. I don't have low self-esteem. I have plenty of options. I could make a couple of calls/texts and get back to back dates throughout this weekend, but I'm not in the mood for that at all. I love my quiet time now. I'm back in kickboxing and krav maga. I'm finishing up neglected home projects around the house. I'm spending time with my girls and not having my phone ping me to death with crazy distractions.

Life is getting back to normal.

She has snuck in some emails from other addresses and I just trash them. This happens once every week or two.
There is no way I'm saying one word to her. She is a danger to me well being. Maybe there is someone out there that can deal with her. I just have to keep her away. She is capable of some bad things.

If I find her stalking me, I'm ready to get a restraining order. I was thinking about getting an outdoor security camera just to be safe.

 She has stalked previous boyfriends who have escaped before. I know she got pregnant intentionally to keep one of them. That didn't work, the guy, although a deadbeat, was smart enough not to let her in his life. She later told me ( another night she was drunk ) she had to get a DNA test in secret because she didn't know for sure who the father was.

Another night while she was drinking, she once told me that she did something so terrible to one of her ex's that she couldn't tell me what it was because she didn't want me to think she would do it to me... .

So yea... .I'm kind of expecting the unexpected.

[Grey Kitty]

The longer you don't engage her at all, the more likely she is to lose interest in "revenge" or recycling or whatever from you.

You've been NC for a few months... .how long was your longest breakup between recycles with her?  I'm guessing this is very different, and she's noticed.

[SuperJew82]

We met about the first of April 2015. The first break up was the following July. We probably had a dozen breakups/recycles all initiated by me. Right before Halloween was my turning point and I said whatever it takes to move on, I'll do it.

She got to me first part of December. I was pretty sick with the Flu... .somewhow she timely called from a work phone and insisted on bringing me soups and other remedies - I was too weak to fight it and she ended up sticking around for about 4 days until I started finding out about her reckless behavior again and then I said "I'm Done" for the last time.

Historically, the mini-breakups lasted less than a week - so yes this is different. I'm a little surprised how easy it was for her to stop her crazy texting. Before, the mini-breakups were only a few days and would only go NC for a day or two.

Little did I know that they would stop if I went NC for just a week or so. I would have done that way sooner. You are right, as long as you entertain them with any type of attention - they will keep you around to play with. When you become uninteresting, they quickly line up someone they have been keeping on the side. Keeping their options open at all times is kind of like a safety net so they don't feel completely abandoned.

I was mentally fried from all of this. I can't imagine the stress of recycling with someone with BPD. It was bad for me, but it must have been a living nightmare for them as we are replaying their worst fears.

I know I have set her free, but it is almost certain it will happen to her again.

-roger

[hopealways]

Just a heads up, online dating sites are teaming with broken BPD individuals so be careful.
Mine always came back within 2-4 weeks. A text is all it took and I went right back like an idiot.
Once she took 2 months because I had blocked her. So she called me from an unknown Skype number.
They just want to know that they can have you.  They do not approach love the same way normal folks do. No compassion, empathy, remorse. No real feelings. They dont love us, they love how we make them feel and thats a big distinction.
This time I have blocked her for me, not to send a message to her that Im serious. And that is why this time is FINALLY different and will be the final NC. If she does try to contact me I will hang up or not open the door.

[marti644]

They love how we make them feel. Exactly hopealways! My NC strategy has been very strong, hopefully fate hands me a reward and I never have to see that twisted person again.

[SuperJew82]

Exactly. You guys sound just like me. Man, I was a sucker for those fishing messages and would take the bait like a putz. Yes, I have gotten emails from her different accounts. Haven't got one for weeks though... .They are kind of weird. 

The last one was just a message saying " Really?"  <-- guessing referring to my strict NC

"This time will be different" - I was the crazy one for thinking like that in the past. I will never be lonely enough to go back to that mess.

[FallenOne]

When will she come back?

When she needs something from you and you replacement no longer serves a need for her, or if she gets bored of them, or if they upset her and there's a breakup... Or if they have had enough and bail on her... .That's when she'll contact you.

But, you're not the only one... She has a list of people she contacts in these situations... .Fallback options... Don't think you're special just because she's contacting you.

[SuperJew82]

You are absolutely correct FallenOne. That is the exact predictive formula for it. I should know - I was on the other side of it for too long.