BPD Mother in Law - needs to be relocated to Mars

[allthewayup]

  Hi!

This website is superb, and has given me enormous insights into BPD / NPD. Thank you to all who contribute for illuminating on this affliction.

My mother in law would almost certainly win medals in the BPD olympics.
I write today to ask you for opinions as to when it is right to intervene when her rages may lead to physical harm to her children - to whom I am only related by marriage.

I have observed my BPD mother in law for years physically and emotionally throw wretched abuse at her husband and 5 kids. The usual torments apply - knives, fists, fires and throwing any near available item, to the equally horrifying emotional abuse such as calling her kids prostitutes and continually informing them that her life has been ruined because of them.
Her children are absolutely wonderful - big hearts, intelligent, and each with some emotional stunting that would be understandably attributable to their enormously tough upbringing. I admire them for how strong and wonderful they have blossomed in to, despite their incredibly hard youths.

Where I have become recently compelled to make a form of intervention, is where the uBPD mother in law is openly willing for her kids to commit suicide. She takes the typical "my life was better before you came along" approach, and chastises her children for her poor financial position, lack of romance, and not keeping up with the neighbours. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "what would my friends think?"...

Some of the kids (early 20's) have very low self esteem due to their constant punishment and abuse. They are now being encouraged to kill themselves. I fear this dose of abuse may lead to severe consequences.
At what point does this verbal abuse cross a boundary that is tolerated because the BPD "has a mental health issue" and she be diagnosed as a perpetrator who is actively seeking to hurt her sons and daughters?

It is difficult to gain a clinical intervention without doctors involvement. The BPD mother in law's husband is so broken that he would likely not support any intervention (for fear of the ungodly backlash that he fears would certainly follow), and the children to not have the legal right to commit her.

A particular child of the parent has explored his options to relocate to a safer environment, but for now, has  been unsuccessful. Moving in with my wife and I is not possible as we live in Germany. I realise the children's independence in a home of their own, away from their mother, is the likely only long-term solution.

Second question: how do families afford long term therapy for such a period to lead to an actual improvement in the BPD's awareness, behaviour and responses? In our country, the cost of these sessions nears $500. Genuinely curious as to how others may have tackled this issue, or any ideas.

Third question: I want justice. I am very upset to have witnessed and continue to learn of abuse being performed on children - now in their teenage years and early 20's - but without recourse to the abuser. I grow more outraged by the day and loath the feeling of being unable to support  more strongly or effectively, and to feel a sense of letting this intolerable bull go on without me doing something about it. This is a more of a hypothetical, possibly venting paragraph, but damn it this is agonizing!

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, or contribute. I appreciate it more than you may know!  

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Allthewayup!   

Welcome! I am really glad you've found our online family. There is a lot of helpful information at our site as you mentioned. Even just reading through other posts you will continue to gain insight. How did you find out about BPD initially?

There is another reason why I am especially glad you've found this site: because you are wanting to be an advocate for your wife and her siblings. Coming from the position of being an adult child survivor of an uBPDm, it is SO huge that you want to help them. You have a good handle on the fact that there is emotional stunting or delays that occur in the normal growth of a child subjected to such an environment. I've been in T for a while, and am currently working through the ages of 15 thru 18. Tough, hopeless years, so I am thankful you are willing to help.  They need to hear that you care. It will be huge to each of them.

I write today to ask you for opinions as to when it is right to intervene when her rages may lead to physical harm to her children

I am going to include a link here for you that has been very helpful to me. It is a workshop addressing the very issues you speak of.
When are the children of a BPD parent at risk?

There is a lot of information in the workshop, but it helps answer the questions you've pesented.

The type of behavior you are mentioning is very destructive and abusive as you seem to be well aware. It is not a safe environment for them to live in. Do they live in Germany as well? Does your wife know now that this behavior is typical of BPD or does anyone else in the family know this? What other options might there be for them to find a safe place? Close friends and their families? Relatives?

I'm sure others will pop in and share their thoughts too. It is a very dangerous time for the children, especially given that their mom is encouraging them to commit suicide. They must certainly feel so unloved and devalued. Please keep in touch!

 
Wools