Nobody is perfect, but I do I need to take all the blame?

[lycosa]

I have recently needed to seek support from others about struggles in my relationship with a potentially BPD spouse. But I can't get any support, only blame. I know my situation shines a bad, bad light on me, but I don't think I'm not in error--I know, "no bodies perfect" and I have made mistakes. But when I seek help from others, I get responses like I'm in denial of my own problems, or that I am only blaming my spouse. I know I'm not perfect, but when everyone focuses on my faults, it seems a red-herring to what really needs to happen.

Am I wrong? Does it really take two to tango? Or can one person cause enough chaos for two? Could my BPD-driven relationship be harmonious if I were perfect?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Every relationship has its frustrations.  Even if you did a 100% right, you are only 50% of the couple, that's true.

What is also true is that as much as we wanted to blame others, we can only change what We do, so it's our only path to make improvements. Guilt doesn't help, blaming ourselves hardly does it. But being open to take steps to be better, always helps.

Our partnerships are not often fair, you'll need a high tolerance of frustration. We are here to support you and we'll know about those frustrations. Tell us more, and maybe you'll get the validation you are seeking.

Good luck.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome to the site!  . Guilt, shame, confusion, and embarrassment are common emotions when in a relationship with a pwBPD. Those outside of the relationship do not completely understand the dynamic in the relationship and sometimes it's easier to blame the person who does not have mental illness.

On the other side though, those of us without BPD often develop negative behavioral patterns to try to prevent our pwBPD from getting upset or angry. We call this Walking on Eggshells. We may do things invalidating our partner because we are trying to convince them that their accusations are not true. Our denial of their accusation causes them to become more upset because they think we are not listening to them. It's a destructive cycle to get into. My therapist told me just the other day that we teach people how to treat us. Although not intentional, we allow them to get away with things like yelling, throwing things, belittling us, etc. When we let them do that to us, we are telling them that their behavior is ok. That is how we contribute to the problems in our relationship.

It's important that us Nons begin to distinguish between what behavior is ours and what is our partner's. On the right side of the page are workshops on learning how to live a better life with someone with BPD. You can learn more about BPD, about communicating better, and how to take care of yourself. Here is a link that describes the dysfunctional dance we get into with our pwBPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0

[Swhitey]

Hey lycosa,

You are correct, no one is perfect. who would want to be near anyone who is perfect anyways? I'd feel pretty low about myself is i were to spend time with someone who was perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect. That is where the beauty and love shines in our lives.

Feeling and hearing that you are the only one to blame for all the problems in a relationship or in someone's life can really break down someone's self esteem, leaving you wondering how you got to this point. Many of us have been there and can sympathize with your situation. I know I can.

You will be supported here and learn you are not alone. The workshops provide great tools for learning and understanding your pwBPD and your role in the relationship to them.

Again, you are right, everyone makes mistakes. They remain mistakes only when we don't take ownership of them and learn and grow from them, turning them into lessons.

[Happy outside]

Wow!  So glad I'm not the only person out there with "this is your fault". I'm constantly questioning everything I do and say.