What event made you go fully NC and stick with it?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As we are on the Detachment board I would like to ask you what event was the straw that broke the camel's back? We have all allowed ourselves to be recycled numerous times yet at some point we say enough is enough and institute our final NC: blocking them off everything.

I am ashamed to say that I have returned to this forum over the past 3 years and seen members way worse off than me detach successfully, sticking to NC and never posting again, yet I returned after allowing her to slither her way into my life via text... .for the past year.

But it has now been 2 days that I have completely blocked her, all after hearing that she was with another guy, grabbing his ass, kissing each other at a bar... .and to top it all off he was ugly. Yikes. Then a mutual friend tells me that while she was with me she was with at least 2 other guys.

So there it is, that's what did it.  I have never felt so repulsed by her.  She grosses me out. And frankly knowing that she was doing this while also keeping me on deck for a year even telling me she would claw any girl who shows interest in me. 

My own modesty and integrity vindicates me. Knowing that knowing she is with another is so unacceptable to me tells me that I have grown self worth over the past few years of therapy. I am sure that prior to this relationship I would have given her or another woman another chance.

But not anymore.

[hopealways]

As we are on the Detachment board I would like to ask you what event was the straw that broke the camel's back? We have all allowed ourselves to be recycled numerous times yet at some point we say enough is enough and institute our final NC: blocking them off everything.

I am ashamed to say that I have returned to this forum over the past 3 years and seen members way worse off than me detach successfully, sticking to NC and never posting again, yet I returned after allowing her to slither her way into my life via text... .for the past year.

But it has now been 2 days that I have completely blocked her, all after hearing that she was with another guy, grabbing his ass, kissing each other at a bar... .and to top it all off he was ugly. Yikes. Then a mutual friend tells me that while she was with me she was with at least 2 other guys.

So there it is, that's what did it.  I have never felt so repulsed by her.  She grosses me out. And frankly knowing that she was doing this while also keeping me on deck for a year even telling me she would claw any girl who shows interest in me. 

My own modesty and integrity vindicates me. Knowing that knowing she is with another is so unacceptable to me tells me that I have grown self worth over the past few years of therapy. I am sure that prior to this relationship I would have given her or another woman another chance.

But not anymore.

[marti644]

Hopealways,

It was a combination of things that made me leave but the most important detail was that she bought herself a birthday cake and pretended that her friends bought it for her the day after she disappeared. It was such a pathetic manoeuvre that I ran as far as I could. Her instagram was filled with fake stuff the week after she left, and this really helped me begin the process of moving on. Even though I didn't know about BPD yet, all I could think was "what a child". Was I right it what?

[hopealways]

Hopealways,

It was a combination of things that made me leave but the most important detail was that she bought herself a birthday cake and pretended that her friends bought it for her the day after she disappeared. It was such a pathetic manoeuvre that I ran as far as I could. Her instagram was filled with fake stuff the week after she left, and this really helped me begin the process of moving on. Even though I didn't know about BPD yet, all I could think was "what a child". Was I right it what?

That was a huge   but one that I would not have paid much attention to before I knew about BPD.

[marti644]

Me neither, didn't know anything about BPD, but I was just lucky enough to find out this situation. I missed the "jealousy induction" game, and the references to her other guys because I am not a jealous person. I think I made her very very mad because I wouldn't play her games. She kept saying thought-out are relationship, "your just so stubborn all the time I don't get you". I translate that now to " you're not easy to manipulate, I'm frustrated".

[Aesir]

This is kind of complex for me. The beginning of the end came months before I walked away. She had gone into a rage and she verbally abused me for hours and I sat there and took it. For all intents and purposes I should have ended it there but I didn't.  I also found it hard to justify staying with her after that too.

Month's later and after two or three more rages she started a fight over something truly stupid. She was basically taking her problems out on me as usual. Something snapped inside of me and  I decided that it was better to be alone than put up with her.

[lillysail]

The final straw came for me this month.  Heard from him for the first time in 8 months only for him to go silent on me again.  Over the past couple weeks, I have received confirmation that not only does he have a "new" girlfriend, but he currently has a circle of exes that he has been engaging (sleeping) with. 

The constant lies and constant cheating and showing zero remorse for any of it has given me the determination to go 100% NC.  I will not be part of his circle, makes me ill.  So far so good!

[lost_in_translation]

At her sister's wedding in November... .I gave her $300 and paid for manicures and pedicures because she had no money for those things even though she had over a year to prepare.  The wedding was a weekend long event about 100 miles from where we live.  She started to ignore me more and more as that weekend went on.  By the night of the reception she avoided me like the plague.  I may have seen her for a total of 20 mins.  She danced with everyone, but me and it was very embarrassing.  Okay, I can almost live with that. 

The real doozie was what went down at the after party.  By that point she was totally sh*tfaced, so I ignored her for the most part, socialized and tried to have a good time in spite of her.  Well, 3 am comes and the after party has pretty much ended.  Her entire family was gone and except for a few people I didn't really know, we were the only ones left.  She refused to leave because she was trying to hookup with another girl right in front of my eyes.  I even had to stop the two from going in the bathroom together to do god knows what.  At this point, she starts to get violent with me.  She's pushing me quite forcefully all while yelling for me to stop putting my hands on her.  Crazy, right?   Thankfully, a guy she grew up with was there and he was able to convince her to stop drinking and he brought her to our room.  I owe that guy!  He was kind, concerned and really helped me out.  Well, at that point I am so angry that instead of spending the night with her and having more trouble, I pack my stuff and hop in my car.  It's 4 am by this time and I also had been drinking, so I knew it wasn't the best decision to be driving 100 miles, but it was still better than spending another second with her.  Plus, we took two separate cars to the wedding to help haul stuff to the venue.

The next day she calls me confused, vaguely remembering the night before and wondering where I am.  I fill her in on what happened.  She denies it at first, of course.  I tell her to ask her friend who helped me deal with her.  Finally, a couple of days later she blows up at me because I left her.  She said, "because you left I had to miss part of my sister's wedding" (the Sunday brunch.). I guess she didn't want to answer questions about why I wasn't there? I didn't even get a semblance of an apology.  When she finally did come around and admit to her actions that weekend, she said, "well, we were broken up at the time, so I could do what I wanted."

I have hated her ever since.  I only wish her family was around that night to see what went down.  They used to have BIG problems with her before I came into the picture.   They think she has changed.  She hasn't changed.  She just had me to abuse instead.  They are currently painted white while I am the blackest of black.  But, she back home with her parents now, so I know it's only a matter of time before they see her true colors again.

[FallenOne]

What kick started this whole event took over 6 months to completely unfold... .

Long story short... I broke up with her while she was inpatient mental health back in March of 2016 after living with her for a year, just before our lease ended. Why did I break up with her this way? Because her antics had been pushing my buttons for far too long (wasn't the first breakup) and her behavior was starting to become scary honestly... The timing was just right, because she was forced to go inpatient at on her of psychiatrist appointments. She had been overdosing on her meds and self mutilating in the weeks leading up to this... Dropped out of school... Threatened to jump off a bridge... Drove recklessly while I was in the car with her (scaring the ___ out of me)...

So I broke it off with her while she was in a safe place so that she couldn't do anything crazy and so I wouldn't have to deal with a huge dramatic crazy scene unfolding if I had broken up with her outside of the hospital... I still feel guilty about it, but what's done is done, and I didn't know what else to do at the time...

I moved all of my stuff out and moved her things back into her dads place.

After getting out of the hospital, she contacted me about a few bills and was furious... Within a few weeks, she began dating some girl that she met online apparently...


Fast forward a few months later... .The end of June 2016. After getting a few messages from her over the past 2 months that tugged at my heart strings, I began to miss her intensely and decided to give in and contact her.

She responded right away and agreed to meet and talk right away. She broke up with the girl she was seeing that same day and within a few days we were back together again.

Over the next 6 months between July and December is when things got really bad... .


Every month or so, she would break up with me through text messages while I was at work and block me on social media... After a few weeks or a month, I would try to contact her to get some sort of closure and/or make amends and be at peace with each other at least... Each of these conversations turned into "getting back together" which is what we did...

So, from July until December, we were on again off again while she kept bouncing back and forth between me and this female... .

On December 10th, she checked herself into inpatient mental health (unexpectedly) and was there for about a week. I visited her every day during visiting hours and we talked about many things and we talked about moving in together again and talked about the future...

A few days after she was released, we had an argument because I wasn't having a good day and I was in a bad mood (which she always took personally, even if it wasn't about something she did). I made a comment about barely ever having sex, and she started crying, and then flipped out and this argument escalated throughout the whole day via text message... .I did the stupid thing by feeding into it and kept it going, which was stupid on my part, but I eventually just tried to stop and make peace with her and calm the situation.

When she came back to my place that night, she seemed fine... We didn't argue about it anymore and didn't talk about it... She spent the night and everything seemed okay. The following morning, she kissed me goodbye, said "I love you" and went home...

I noticed that not long after getting home, she changed her facebook profile picture (which had ALWAYS been a photo of both of us together) to just a photo of herself... I knew this was bad news, because she always does this when she is angry or wants to breakup. She started giving me the silent treatment. Wouldn't respond to any of my messages or questions...

The following day, while I was at work, I continued getting the silent treatment, and had a feeling that due to her patterns, she was going to breakup with me again while I was at work and was going to go to my place to get her stuff while I was at work. So, I left work early and sure enough when I got home, she was pulling up in a friends car to get her things.

She agreed to talk to me, but as soon as we went into my place, she wouldn't even look at me or listen to me and just started packing her things while I tried to reason with her and get some sort of response out of her. She was as cold as ice... Would not give me the time of day. Took apart the xmas tree and packed all of her things, and just raged at me when I asked any questions or tried to reason with her.

She said "you're abusive!" "you ruined my life!" "I don't love you!" and "good riddance!" as she dragged all of her stuff out of my place.


I was extremely upset so I sent a few nasty text messages to her and one of her friends pointing out some truth about her disorder and her behavior... A few hours after I did that she sent her girlfriend to my apartment who was calling me "a piece of sh!t" and a "narcissistic sociopath" at my front door and kept telling me to "leave her alone!" and such... .I called the police on all of them.


Over the next few days, her girlfriend contacted me through facebook asking me to return some items she had left, so I did... And I also warned her about what she was getting involved with...

The following day, I was served PFA (protection from abuse) paperwork and now I have a PFA court order against me forcing me to have no contact.

[GuySmiley]

I've never really tried to go NC because if I'm honest I never wanted to let her go. As she's married I don't really initiate contact, it's more 90/10 in her favour. In the past if she contacted me I'd reply right away. Nowadays after reading up on BPD I can see her for what she is and over the last year or so she's just become more of annoyance now so she's slowly fading from my mind and desire.

I think if you set yourself a hard and fast NC rule it becomes such a struggle simply because it's not what you want and you feel you've let yourself down massively if you contact them again and it's all been for nothing. The minute you or anyone makes something illicit, such as contact, it instantly becomes more desirable and the highs from contact become so much sweeter and the lows so much harder.

I wouldn't suggest a hard and fast NC rule for anyone, just read read read on BPD and they'll slowly lose their power over you, you'll regain your self respect and you'll begin to move on and the pain will ease.

Read, read, read.

[The Teacher]

When my divorce is finalized I will never communicate with my wife in any form. Ever. She may be ill but she her behaviors throughout the divorce are as they were in our 3.5 year marriage -  cruel, calculating, selfish, and evil. She will remain blocked on all forms of communication. If she writes me a letter, it's get get recycled without being opened. I am essentially NC right now, but because she is living in my home until the divorce is granted (I am in a safe place, alone), I have to review emails in my spam folder to make sure they don't contain important information about the condition of my home. Even though I have been denied the use of my home for six months now (I got out before she could act on her threats to make false accusations of DV), my life has been peaceful, and I feel safe.

[balletomane]

In my case it was my reflection in the kitchen mirror.

My ex and I had traumatic breakup, precipitated by his irrational paranoia, with him saying some incredibly cruel vicious things. I was out of the country at the time, and I think this made his paranoia worse - he was convinced I was cheating on him, among other things. When I got back he couldn't remember saying any of the awful stuff and he wanted to resume right where we left off. I was pitifully relieved. If he couldn't remember any of those things that had torn me apart at night, he couldn't have meant them... .right? He must still care about me. So I entered into that recycle very happily, deliberately pushing aside the red flag: he wanted our relationship to be a secret now. He'd told everyone we'd broken up and he wasn't going back on that. Of course the secrecy was so he could pursue other options, but he was being nice to me again, and I was so frightened of his Jekyll-and-Hyde behaviour and so desperate for any crumb of affection from him that I didn't accept the danger... .even though I saw it very clearly. A part of me, the pragmatic part, knew that one day I was going to get badly hurt unless I walked away. Once I had a mental image of me trapped on a raft and heading for a waterfall. I knew I would be safer if I jumped and struck out for shore. But the thought was too scary.

Sure enough, just over a year later, he found someone else. His flatmate. He didn't tell me until after he'd got together with her, which made it very clear to me how calculated his behaviour was - he wanted to be 100% sure he had her before he told me anything about it. I was devastated. He told me that it was very brave of him to try a new relationship and I had to be brave too. He also said that he didn't feel able to tell his new girlfriend about his self-harm yet, so he hoped I would stay his friend, because he needed me. I felt physically winded, sick, and couldn't formulate words, but I agreed to try and be brave and I agreed to stay his friend, and when he sighed irritably over my tears and said in exasperation, "Well, this didn't go as well as I'd hoped. We broke up over a year ago!" I felt bad for letting him down and for being so clingy. And it's a testament to how effectively he'd groomed me to accept this sort of treatment that it took me a few days to register that he couldn't fairly say we'd broken up "over a year ago" when we'd been in a secret romantic relationship for all that time.

I tried to maintain that friendship for six weeks. He didn't want me around any more. I only saw him once in all that time, and that was because we'd bumped into each other. The only time he initiated conversations with me were when he'd self-harmed and needed some support - later I would find out that this was when he'd fought with his new girlfriend. I could see how unfair it was. I could feel that it was breaking me. He told me he wanted me to be honest with him about how I felt, "because if you don't tell me the truth I'll worry" - ha, even that was about preventing *him* from worrying! - but he would get angry and vitriolic if I was anything but serene and happy in response to 'How are you?'. Once, when I told him, "I'm not coping very well", he accused me of emotionally blackmailing him, and right after telling me that, he said, "I've just had to cut myself because of you. Now I need to not talk to you, or it would be pointless." I saw the hypocrisy and the projection. It still wasn't enough for me to break free.

I was crying a lot those days. Nights too. I used to pace my apartment crying. One night I came out of the bathroom into the kitchen area and caught a sudden glimpse of my face in the mirror. I wasn't expecting to see my reflection and it shocked me. It jolted me awake. I looked like an animal stuck in a trap. That's when I decided that there would be no more. I removed him from my Facebook and that was that. It was the night of 3rd June 2015 and I haven't spoken to him since.

[CooperD]

For me there were 3 specifc events that set me on the path of getting out of the relationship and eventually being able to go NC.

1) when she phoned my elderley parents to tell them I was going to kill myself - she would later applogise to them but damage done and they were terribily impacted by it.

2) when she enticed me to have sex with her to build our relationship and immediately afterwards told me "that was rape" and then spent the next 12 hours emotionally torturing me by telling me she was going to go the police to report me for rape.

3) she phoned me at christmas (post break up) to tell me she had gone psycho on some other guy she had met - and also dropped in that she had tested positive for HIV.  I had to have an emergency test - everything negative.  Not spoke to her since January 1st and she is now nothing but an evil little stain in my history.

[lovenature]

For me there were events in the past where I tried to break up and ended up going back. The final time was about 14 months ago when I had learned enough about BPD and shifted the focus to me and why I stayed in an unhealthy relationship, trying so hard to make it work; enough education and being realistic about my situation made me realize that the most compassionate thing to do for both of us was to stay NC.

[GuySmiley]

For me there were events in the past where I tried to break up and ended up going back. The final time was about 14 months ago when I had learned enough about BPD and shifted the focus to me and why I stayed in an unhealthy relationship, trying so hard to make it work; enough education and being realistic about my situation made me realize that the most compassionate thing to do for both of us was to stay NC.

We have a winner.

[Sufficating]

"I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife"

While fighting, he compared me to my mother, who he knew had severely abused me growing up.  I was devastated. I was speechless.  I left and went to a motel until he moved out of my condo the next day.  I was a wreck.  Tears were streaming down my face for the next two days at work.  I reached out to my therapist and got extra sessions.  It was the lowest blow that I could have gotten.  His psychological abuse and cheating were nothing compared to that comment about my mother.

[Pretty Woman]

I had just thrown her a huge birthday which set me back over 2K and we were heading to Mexico for a friend's 50th two weeks later when she decided to dump me for someone we both met in a social group I am the head of (ironically).

She had screwed me over before but this time we had spent one year of limited arguments and no breakups. I thought things were getting better. In actuality she was bored and needed that drama and excitement... .
chaos.

I went to Mexico by myself and was a sorry sap the entire trip, which was not fair to the people who invited me. The whole trip she (my ex) posted about her love being in Canada and my phone was blowing up from friends who didn't know I had been replaced and were confused why I was in Canada not Mexico.
It was the new girlfriend. They were floored.

She tried to contact me twice and I never replied. Haven't spoken to her in two years. I know she is living with my replacement, with my former dog. They have been together two years now. We never lived together. I am grateful I never let her move in. Sometimes I think we lasted longer because we didn't live together. She was able to put up a mask and keep her secret liasons without me up in her personal space.

[hopealways]

I had just thrown her a huge birthday which set me back over 2K and we were heading to Mexico for a friend's 50th two weeks later when she decided to dump me for someone we both met in a social group I am the head of (ironically).

She had screwed me over before but this time we had spent one year of limited arguments and no breakups. I thought things were getting better. In actuality she was bored and needed that drama and excitement... .
chaos.

I went to Mexico by myself and was a sorry sap the entire trip, which was not fair to the people who invited me. The whole trip she (my ex) posted about her love being in Canada and my phone was blowing up from friends who didn't know I had been replaced and were confused why I was in Canada not Mexico.
It was the new girlfriend. They were floored.

She tried to contact me twice and I never replied. Haven't spoken to her in two years. I know she is living with my replacement, with my former dog. They have been together two years now. We never lived together. I am grateful I never let her move in. Sometimes I think we lasted longer because we didn't live together. She was able to put up a mask and keep her secret liasons without me up in her personal space.

Pretty Woman good for you for continuing on the Mexico trip! Must have been SUPER hard but you made it so bravo!

[Gear Jammer]

I didn't know about BPD when I was with my ex, I knew she has mental health issues. Now that I know about BPD I don't want to ever deal with her again, she will never change. I did get a lot of answers to my questions like the reason why she has such a path of destruction.

I know the red flags to look out for, her hating her father and having issues with her family was a big red flag I ignored.

Not sure if she will ever come back or not, I've been told you can't get rid of a BPD they are like a bad rash.

Would I ever talk to her again? I'm not going to be rude I will talk to her but I won't go any further than that. She still is a human being and believe it or not she does have feelings, my ex is a high functioning BPD. I do believe you need to be strong to be around a BPD I found with my ex you can't act weak you if she can push you around she will abuse it. The guy she's with now doesn't stand up to her he's a people pleaser he's a puppet on strings with her what she wants is what she gets.

[mar356]

"As we are on the Detachment board I would like to ask you what event was the straw that broke the camel's back? We have all allowed ourselves to be recycled numerous times yet at some point we say enough is enough and institute our final NC: blocking them off everything."

Good morning!

In my case I felt like I was continually being devalued, so I threw it back in her face and was painted black.  I didn't know what BPD was prior to this, but I am pretty sure I have ran into a few BPD/NPD in the past. It is always the same idealize, devalue and discard.  I guess it really doesn't help when your first experience with a girl from long ago was probably BPD and that set the benchmark for future relationships.  Moving forward and understanding the condition better, I knew I had to make changes and realized there is no benefit to contacting them. The relationship with them was a mirage and learning experience. Their actions speak louder than their words. Another SO will come and this time knowing what I know I doubt I'll repeat past mistakes. This brings peace of mind.

[IamGrey]

Her vindictiveness and discovering BPD. I'm on friendly terms with all of my ex's who are still about. Not this one. Not now, not ever.

[Mr.R.Indignation]

I would say on which occassion but you've already dealt with that.  Every time I went no contact built up into the reason for my finally going completely NC. Prepare for what's basically my entire BPD family self-posts in one summary.

The first time... .

I'd told her I didn't want to stick around to see all I wanted end up with somebody else, she convinced me to stay in contact as friends, less than a week later she tells me she thinks she's met the one. Yup.

Worse still she was complaining that another ex, who she knows is nuts, was harassing her about it, and I couldn't help but think ... .but that means you went to him before me. Why would you tell him, then come to me for support, and tell me about this when you know I still want to be with you? I started to realise I was just one in a long line of people and it was a god damned madhouse. I was buying into a routine that had her get abused, then come back to me to get some sympathy, then go off to get abused again. And she had no consideration for my boundaries.

So I decided to get out of that trap. I lasted... .3-4 months? I found out about BPD during that time.


The second time... .


She came back with all the right words, I didn't believe it, I assumed she'd just broken up with or wanted to show off her new boyfriend but I bit out of hope that she meant what she was saying. This was the first time I'd received a revelation message so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

WRONG decision.

I try to catch up and converse as she said she wanted, but she seems pretty disinterested. Eventually my ex was talking about her boyfriend, who for the sake of the story we will call Koko Blunderbilkt von Milky Biscuit, and how for a present (either Christmas or birthday)... .what was she getting him? An expensive yet garish painted portrait of the two of them together, in full narcissitic selfie poses, something she was going to spend all of her remaining money for that month on.

Things must be good between them, right?

Noope.

She wasn't sure if they were going to break up because things were bad between them, and they'd already broken up twice or three times already I don't know when. I was already on the 'heeeere we go' trail of thought, then suddenly straight to 'dear god I'm back in the madhouse.' It's not exactly the sanest option to purchase an expensive Vincent van Gauche portrait if you've already been through at least TWO breakups and you're considering breaking up again! Also I was apalled by her level of taste; it was very kitsch and the composition was something to sneer at. The paisely flared trouser of the portrait universe. A painted personification of a Paul Smith catalogue. Yes I'm a snob!

Later that evening she found out Blunderbilk von Milky Biscuit cheated on her, not from him, but from the person he cheated with. This all happened on the day I replied. Life always seems to have that strange poetry to it.

So why spend all that money comissioning a picture of the two of them together?

Image.

The perfect symbolism of the BPD relationship - all about trying to create an image. If she could make it look like they were together, a couple, then surely they had to be, but add the backstory behind the two of them and suddenly it comes across as a desperate bid to turn the lie of love into reality when it was already crumbling. Perhaps adding to the poetry, neither of them was smiling in the picture, and they stood apart.

That was a heck of a realisation.

Yet... .I stuck around for a few days for some reason, I guess trying to get justification that I wasn't being crazy and overly cynical, and also presumably secret hope of rekindling something (WHY?). It was a really tight, strange feeling being around her again, and I could feel myself tensed and waiting for some kind of attack. Eventually, while feeling that, I found myself getting reattached and it was all really unhealthy, so I decided to leave. I initiated contact again briefly to explain my behaviour and what I felt she was doing because I felt some kind of responsibility to try to 'help' her realise she didn't have to be subversive with her emotional needs. Arrogant, I know. Naturally I wrote a letter - I generally have a lot to say.

She said felt quite hurt by my impression of her (using me for attention), but that she understood and accepted my reasons. I didn't have anything more to say after my last bid, so I felt alleviated and I left for good!

Except I didn't.


The third time... .


Christmas she contacts me, I'm not a barbarian, I say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year back, she tries to start a conversation, I ignore.


The last time!


Month later, her dog dies harrowingly following a night when I was missing her. After waking up I'd resolved not to get back into contact, though like an idiot looked whimsically at a picture of the two of us together to dramatically get some closure... .and genuinely the second I went off of it she texted that her dog had died. Eesh.

I didn't want to go back, but I felt she must be really upset, so I did. Again mistake.

The situation with her dog was awful, but she didn't really have anything to say to me. That's what really hit me.

You can look back through my posts and find the larger (yes, larger) accounts of these tales. The gist is that when she had used the death to get me to come back, then barely had anything to say, that's when I started to lose faith that I was viewed as a real person in any sense. Before I'd managed to subdue logic and adopt hope, this time the logic was calling out to me and I was really clawing to find a sense that I did mean something to her.

But matters got more interesting. It seems likely she showed up because she fell out with her 'friends' at Christmas as well as Koko Blunderbilk von Milky Biscuit (because she's intent on staying in contact with these arse-giblets). At some point she complained that KB von MB hadn't contacted her since after a certain time because he was getting high with his friends. I said 'I take it you're back together then?' and she responded by showing me her new hair colour. So I'm guessing she was ashamed because she'd broken all her standards and got back together with him, or maybe was worried it'd cause me to say something to her, but who knows.

I found her integrity suspect and wanting - I was looking down on her. That isn't a good thing to feel about someone who's supposed to be a friend. So it was reality check time.


Reality check time... .


I don't respect her decisions and I only like aspects of her personality. I don't like being around her anymore. If I'm at one end of cynicism, she's at the other, and I prefer happy sensible slightly critical cynicism to unhappy 'life is good but terrible but good but terrible, people are mean and everything is awful except these objects I want to attain, I can't wait until I get them and then I can be happy' cynicism. Maybe some people can find appreciation for that, but to me the attitude's got more drag than a racetrack. There's no emphasis on present fun. If I'm not part of making you happier go do something that will make you happy, y'know? Start talking about something when you have something to say about it.

She'll get annoyed at people close to her for considerate actions (except maybe her father who she has separate issues with), and the people she should be angry with she doesn't do anything about - she goes back to these 'friends' who fall out with her over sneezing the wrong way. If you're surrounded by people who you call friends yet you think are a-holes most of the time, what does that make you?

I know it's not her fault, but it doesn't change how she treats people and herself. I find it depressing to see someone continually stuck in the same rut over and over and over with something that could be amended, both looking at her and looking at myself.

She was perfunctory, rarely enthusiastic (though she used to be), and often p'd. So I stopped being attached. I lost interest and any lingering sense of attraction. She just sort of stopped existing to me. Lack of reciprocation with love was enough to make me fall out of love with her, the fact she couldn't even reciprocate more than stranger-making-conversation-at-a-bus-stop talk was sobering. There are adult relationships in my life that I like more. I stopped caring and let go, so when she eventually texted me with another picture of some material thing she'd just got, I didn't reply.

I had nothing to say, and neither did she; she was a stranger I knew.

Also she's nuts.

And that's my tale.

[qawifem]

My ex broke up with me for a variety of reasons (Came out as ID'ing as a man and saying my attraction to women wasn't going to work for him, my increased attention to other friends as he ignored me yet blamed me for it anyways, etc) but he's the kind of person to check on people he hates or doesn't talk to anymore. He does this purely to find some sort of satisfaction in finding dirt and sharing it with his favorite person of the time. When we initially split he said it might be better to 'support each other from a distance' and if I 'need space that's totally fine.' I didn't even humor him and quit talking to him cold turkey and moved out of our living quarters and back to my parents while he was away.

His behavior is more in line with a 'quiet' borderline, drawing inward and repressing feelings without communicating, yet acting out passive aggressively. I knew that if I continued to stay in some sort of contact with him, he would continue to stalk my social media (I've completely blocked him and even practically his IP address), berate me with backhanded compliments, judge my friends, and just all around be an emotionally abusive presence in my life. If he wants to suffer so bad without reaching out, he can do it without me in his life.

[Swhitey]

After being back for 8 weeks after breaking up in December, I have realized that in those 8 weeks I have only been a means to an end for her. Her behavior was worse, and over these 8 weeks gradually pushed me out while she tested herself to see if she can do things on her own. The final straw came on Tuesday night after she cam home form an overnight school trip with her son. The house was clean because I knew she would be exhausted and wanted to do nice things for her in the spirit of peace, love and healing (I thought we were still working on things... .) I listened to her gripes, created space for her to spend time with her other son, made dinner (as I always do, otherwise it wouldn't get done) I made chicken/rice/veggies(frozen) set the table called everyone to the table, and it was met with "I don't want meat! I want less meat in our diet, and why did you use frozen veggies? Who doesn't like frozen veggies? I don't (and she raises her hand and one of her kids says the same). She dismisses the kids and tells them to go play and proceeds to re-make dinner. At this point I am really hurt by these actions and words. I have stated before in the past that cooking is one of the ways I show love to those I love and care about. Giving nourishment fills me with joys. I felt like she had just sh*t all over that at that point after taking away so much from me earlier. I was blind before but my eyes were now opening. I made the mistake of expressing, "when you did that, i felt really hurt, next time you want to make a change like that, can you please discuss it with me after?" and she immediately turned it back on me saying I should have know this, that she doesn't want much meat in her diet... .at this point I am no longer listening. I tell her I will not engage in this conversation anymore, and left the room, grabbed a smoke and heading outside. On my way out she says "oh, and the smoking, that's it, we need to break up, I'm done"

This time I didn't question her statement, plea with her or any of that. That straw broke the camel's back. I move out tomorrow/Sunday as she won't be around. I haven't told her that i will be moving out this soon, but I cannot stay a day longer in that environment. I'm scared to have this conversation with her, I'll need someone to be with me when I do. This is not the woman I fell in love with, and I need to begin the grieving process of the idea I had been holding onto so tightly for so long... .

[roberto516]

After being back for 8 weeks after breaking up in December, I have realized that in those 8 weeks I have only been a means to an end for her. Her behavior was worse, and over these 8 weeks gradually pushed me out while she tested herself to see if she can do things on her own. The final straw came on Tuesday night after she cam home form an overnight school trip with her son. The house was clean because I knew she would be exhausted and wanted to do nice things for her in the spirit of peace, love and healing (I thought we were still working on things... .) I listened to her gripes, created space for her to spend time with her other son, made dinner (as I always do, otherwise it wouldn't get done) I made chicken/rice/veggies(frozen) set the table called everyone to the table, and it was met with "I don't want meat! I want less meat in our diet, and why did you use frozen veggies? Who doesn't like frozen veggies? I don't (and she raises her hand and one of her kids says the same). She dismisses the kids and tells them to go play and proceeds to re-make dinner. At this point I am really hurt by these actions and words. I have stated before in the past that cooking is one of the ways I show love to those I love and care about. Giving nourishment fills me with joys. I felt like she had just sh*t all over that at that point after taking away so much from me earlier. I was blind before but my eyes were now opening. I made the mistake of expressing, "when you did that, i felt really hurt, next time you want to make a change like that, can you please discuss it with me after?" and she immediately turned it back on me saying I should have know this, that she doesn't want much meat in her diet... .at this point I am no longer listening. I tell her I will not engage in this conversation anymore, and left the room, grabbed a smoke and heading outside. On my way out she says "oh, and the smoking, that's it, we need to break up, I'm done"

This time I didn't question her statement, plea with her or any of that. That straw broke the camel's back. I move out tomorrow/Sunday as she won't be around. I haven't told her that i will be moving out this soon, but I cannot stay a day longer in that environment. I'm scared to have this conversation with her, I'll need someone to be with me when I do. This is not the woman I fell in love with, and I need to begin the grieving process of the idea I had been holding onto so tightly for so long... .

Just stay strong my friend. I did the same thing and then she begged for me back until I agreed. Then she flipped the script and told me she was done. And it's true. She needed me then and then when she found out she could keep busy and not need me for a purpose anymore she was gone.

It sucks. Even when she was done she had reached out at moments of weakness and even asked me to get her drugs. It was all about her. Now I will admit, I walked out at the end because I did make it about me. I wanted my partner to help me rebuild our relationship. I coukdnt do it on my own. I tried. And she kept the status quo.

So if you feel a moment of weakness. When she begs for you back. Don't do it.

[Swhitey]

Thank roberto516,

It is re-assuring to know that I am not alone and have a real chance to break free. you explained it exactly how it feels to me:

"I wanted my partner to help me rebuild our relationship. I coukdnt do it on my own. I tried. And she kept the status quo."

^exactly^

Right now I am currently experiencing a large amount of anxiety. I am terrified of this woman because of the ways she twists words and how I have let myself be hurt so much by her.

Thank you for your response and support, It is a real asset for me to draw on in this difficult time