How can I improve my relationship with my GF who has been diagnosed with BPD

[sflbuckeye78]

Hello, everyone.

This is my first post to the forum, but I feel confident that I'm in the right place for advice and understanding.

About two weeks ago my girlfriend of almost a year was diagnosed with BPD. While it came as a shock initially to both of us, I quickly realized this is a great moment. She had been dealing with many of the symptoms outlined for much of her life, only nobody thought to look at BPD as a possibility. And now that she knows what it is, she can begin the arduous journey forward.

Despite the diagnosis, I feel as though I'm helpless at times with her.

I love her very much and have tried to show her as much as I can. But the moments where she goes into fits of rage are damaging. I've tried to use logic (I know it doesn't work that well through my reading of "Stop Walking on Eggshells", blowing up at her in kind (makes me feel awful), and through humor.

Over the last couple of months, I've seen her interaction with me slowly deteriorate from affectionate to shuttered. Moments of intimacy that were great when we first began dating turned into anger from her as I was now "not compatible" with her. That shredded at my ego since I just got out of a marriage where I wasn't intimate with my wife for the final three years we were together.

She can act perfectly normal around other people, often commanding a room like no other. She'll give them hugs, sing along with them, and acts much happier with them around than she has with me for the past couple of months. It honestly hurts when I see it happening, like I'm not good enough for her to interact with in the same fashion.

I get the feeling some of this stems from her quitting a job in a toxic environment while I was on a business trip abroad.

Since that time, she has maxed virtually all of her credit cards, drained her bank account, and depended on me to keep our place running. She feels immense shame in this, and no matter how much I tell her to not worry she continues to do so.

Now her days are spent at the house with virtually no interaction with others, aside from her group therapy sessions and the one-to-ones that brought forth the diagnosis. And when she sees me come home from work, she is mostly indifferent or mad at me.

I started to go to therapy to work through my issues from work and my divorce. But now I find most of my sessions revolving around my GF and how she makes me feel. My therapist is concerned that I'm on my way into depression. And I can see why -- I have no love for most anything I used to enjoy doing and would rather sleep than doing anything with my weekends. I close the door to my bedroom and curl up in a ball and just wait for the day to end.

Over the past couple of sessions, I've gotten the feeling that my therapist thinks I need to move on from my GF. The only part that I cannot figure out is if I do decide to split with her I do not want her living in the home with me. But I am having issues coming to terms with pushing her out with no place to go (she's cut off ties with almost everyone she has been friends with over the last two years) and no money to her name. It feels like a no-win situation for me.

I know that's a lot to take in, but I appreciate any advice I can get from you.

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[infjEpic]

Hi buckeye



I'm sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds as though you are quite conflicted about whether the relationship is sustainable. That's understandable.

In order for a person with BPD to 'improve', they typically require a type of treatment known as DBT. This is a long and arduous process, rather than a silver bullet.

If your partner is willing to receive treatment (DBT) and you both are committed, it's not impossible for some level of improvement.

You might find this article informative:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[ArleighBurke]

You do have options here. Her starting DBT is good, but you cannot rely on that. It's just as likely that she will choose not to.

Let's work on YOU. I can completely understand that you are starting down the road to depression - I think many of us have been there. And I think this comes from hopelessness, and helplessness. Let's tackle both of those.

Firstly, you can only control YOU. And you have complete control over YOU. Remember this! Living with a BPD is draining, and if you are like everyone else you will be trying to do everything you can for her. STOP THAT! She is a black hole - and will suck in everything you have. Your first priority is to look after YOU. Choose what you want to do, and do it! Invite her to join you, but if she doesn't want to - then do it yourself. You are not responsible for her happiness. This feels SOO selfish and it will take you a while to be able to feel comfortable with it. But this is key. You are only responsible for YOU. SHE is responsible for HER.

So when you come home from work, if you want to go for a walk, say "I am going to go for a walk. I'd love you to join me.". If she says yes - great. If she says no - GO ANYWAY. Apply this to almost everything. Of course you can negotiate. If she says "I don't want to walk, but I'd love a bike ride" and you're OK with that - then agree. But the key is to make your own decisions and live your own life. DO NOT get sucked into "her world" of despair. Make your own road.

Now like I said - this will feel selfish. It's not. She is emotionally abusing you by MAKING you feel like this is selfish. She is emotionallu abusing you by making you responsible for her happiness. You are not. You can encourage her to enjoy life - but SHE needs to make the choice to.

When you start doing this, you will enjoy life more, because you are living according to your path, not hers. This will also distance you a little emotionally, which is a good thing.

THEN, you can decide what your next move is when you are a little healthier.

Alternatively, you can break up now. Again, she is not your responsbility. Don't be a jerk - but also don't be a doormat. If she has no job, no income etc, that is unfortunate, but also HER problem. Perhaps you can move out, and tell her you'll pay the existing lease for 1 month - then it's up to her. She will find ways.

But YOUR health is #1 priority.

[sflbuckeye78]

I want to thank you for your responses. It's been a roller coaster over the last few days.

Three nights ago she left me a note saying she was going to spend the night at a friend's place. Worried me to no end, but I left it all alone after apologizing for my part in an argument from the evening before. She wound up coming home around 11 -- just as I was about to fall asleep. Woke up around 2 and she was outside when I went to get fresh air. She wasn't too thrilled to see me. I could tell she had been at the bar and reeked of cigarette smoke. All she said to me was "I want to be left alone -- leave me alone" as she stumbled back to her room.

I've come to realize many of her episodes come at night when her mind has been racked by being holed up at home for the entirety of the day. And when we have had a couple of drinks she becomes much more vicious.

Tuesday she asked me if I wanted to talk to her and said that I didn't want to then. Said I was going to go out and come home late, then left. She messaged me to ask if I was OK. I told her I was fine and was out playing poker. That set her off with a marathon of texts saying that was basically putting the blame on me whilst trying to blame herself for much of what's going on.

Last night she was in tears for much of the night. I held her -- I only do that now when she asks me to -- and she tearfully thanked me for taking care of her. And for the rest of the night, it felt like old times.

Today she begins to yell at my dogs because they had another accident in their kennel. I'm starting to think they're more scared of her than I thought. That started another session of her lashing out. The gist of the episode was how she doesn't care about anything anymore, creditors calling her, forgetting to file for unemployment, pointing out how she's taking down her things because she's packing to leave, panicking over her pending litigation against her former boss and how her lawyer isn't communicating enough for her liking. I listened to her for about 10 minutes or so, then told her I was going to walk away if she couldn't contain herself enough to let me speak. She couldn't, so I walked away. She's now in bed but didn't go to sleep like I had thought. Now comes a text message placing blame on me for encouraging her to file a lawsuit against her former employer. That got followed up with a demand to speak now.

I've started to be more selfish for myself this week, not taking the abuse like I've had to endure for much of the past few months. I endured the guilt trip and enjoyed my night out. Had it not been for a bit of fear of treatment toward my pugs I would have gone out tonight, but I'm perfectly content relaxing in my bedroom. 

This is not easy at all, but I'm trying to find a way to help her without actually helping her. I appreciate the advice.

[ArleighBurke]

It sounds like you've done well. Taking time for yourself when you need it is a MUST. Now to refine that a little: BPDs need a lot of reassurance, and fear abandonment. When you leave the conversation, or go out for a night, it'd be helpful to be clear to her about the fact that you WILL return (it seems weird - but she fears you won't return) and WHEN you'll return. Both give her more comfort. Bonus points if you can help her look forward to something (anything!). eg "I'm going to play poker, I'll be home by midnight. I look forward to having breakfast with you in the morning". "I need a break from this conversation. I'm just going to X, and I'll be back in 20minutes. When I get back I'd love to lay on the couch together and watch ER."

Also, read this website about Validation (links on the right). It's the way to help her without helping her. Really, it's just listening to her, HEARING her, being empathic towards what she is going through, but not trying to solve it or apologise for it.

Remember, MOST (95%) of what she is feeling/thinking/going through is about HER - very little is to do with you - despite what she says!

Keep posting!