What documenting did you do with a high functioning parent/BPD?

[SettingBorders]

Hey there!

I want to leave my boyfriend with BPD. We have daughter of 4 months together and we have shared custody. Corresponding to the law of my country it won't be able to de-share the custody unless one of us would be physically violent or drug addicted. But we'll have to decide where our daughther's home will be. I fear that he wants a 50/50 arrangement because we will be neighbours after the breakup. He is high functioning, so I am not sure what kind of documenting would be best.

I am writing a diary where I document our arguments and how much care taking he does and I do for your daugther. But anything else? What did you do?

[ForeverDad]

Do try to have as much paperwork written in your favor, even if it can only be by a small margin.  For example, often one parent needs to be declared the primary parent so that it can be determined which school the child attends.  Right now, with a baby, school is not an issue.  But in 4 or 5 years that would become a concern.  So think ahead.

Right now you two may be willing to live near each other so that's not an issue.  But "time and unforeseen occurrence befall us all" so what do you do if in a couple years he wants to move somewhere distant?  If he's the parent with the school designation, you may have to move too just so you can continue as an involved parent.  Or if you're not the designated parent for schools, what if you want to move but then can't because your child can't go with you without reopening the case in family court?

The better you can get the various parenting matters matching your goals, both now and in the future, the less problems to deal with later.

Beware too of some of our best qualities... .our sense of fairness and reciprocity.  Sadly, most courts don't care how fair you are, and neither does your ex.  The risk is that you are "too fair" (while Ex is not of course) to the extent that you sabotage yourself or, as the English saying goes, you sell yourself short.  Don't be afraid to step forward and voice what is important to you and that coincides with what is best for your baby.  Remember, you are your child's best advocate.  Don't leave decisions to a half hour hearing by a judge you may never meet again.  You are not being mean or nasty by deciding what is the reasonable best for your child and sticking to it.

[david]

FD has a lot of good things to consider. For me, I tried doing what I thought would be the least disruptive for all including my ex. She asked for the world and got 70 %. It took me about 5 years and lots of money to rectify all the issues I did not consider.
Figure out what is best for the child and base all your decisions on that. Consider best case scenario and worst case. Have answers for all and then seek everything and then some. Settle, if you have to, by giving up the then some. This way everyone wins. Courts like that.