When does the non-BPD start feeling normal after being discarded?

[mar356]

Hi Everyone. Hoping to get some information and closure here. I'll keep it brief in quick. Met a girl online and the relationship felt to be pretty intense some odd things I noticed were the following (relationship ended only 2 months):

-Only communicating via Text/would say things like give me attention
-Hyper sensitive to small things. E.g. she got an email from her boss she did not like and it ruined her day because the second email the boss sent he put doctor (last name) on it.
- Weird driving pattern. Seems to drive a little reckless. Few accidents in a few months. Pulling into a parking spot and hitting the gas in lieu of the brakes... .
- Seemed to have a few alcoholic beverages everyday and get drunk once a week.
- Felt like I was being idealized/obsessed with right off the back.
- Said one time she spilled coffee on her laptop it ruined her day and she had to dissociated for hours after work.
- I was driving one time and she started venting to me about her day in almost a rage like way.
- Around 9 weeks in, it was like a sudden change of heart. I'd say distancing from me. Then started to try and one up me.
- Said she doesn't think she could ever live on her own.
- Seemed to reciprocate my identity back to me (hard to explain)
- Mother has her when she was 18 years old
- Majority of friends are men because women stress her out.
- Said she has stalked her exes in the past.
- On anti-depressant medicine.
- Covet manipulator/controlling and was somewhat high functioning
- There was no middle ground. Felt I was being constantly tested per say. Felt she was purposely trying to make me jealous.
- Talking to a new guy within a week. Seems to be already in to him  (Has exes that tell her they had a strong connection with her)
- Did not take criticism well
- Has childhood friends that are all boys. Only a few adult friends long term.  Has never been single since 14, now 26.
- Episodes of random day dreaming... .

My questions are:

Does this type of behavior seem likely she has BPD or could it be PTSD?

Why does the non feel blindsided at the end and why do we ignore red flags in the beginning?

Did she discard me because I wouldn't allow myself to be controlled?

Is it normal I feel like I have attracted a few of these women in the past too?

She definitely painted me black and blocked me. Is it a bad idea to remain friends with them after the break-up or just move on and let it be?

After dating for two months and things going really well do they flip a switch and go cold?

How do the detach from their partners in such little time? (if this is even possible)

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[roberto516]

Hi Everyone. Hoping to get some information and closure here. I'll keep it brief in quick. Met a girl online and the relationship felt to be pretty intense some odd things I noticed were the following (relationship ended only 2 months):

-Only communicating via Text/would say things like give me attention
-Hyper sensitive to small things. E.g. she got an email from her boss she did not like and it ruined her day because the second email the boss sent he put doctor (last name) on it.
- Weird driving pattern. Seems to drive a little reckless. Few accidents in a few months. Pulling into a parking spot and hitting the gas in lieu of the brakes... .
- Seemed to have a few alcoholic beverages everyday and get drunk once a week.
- Felt like I was being idealized/obsessed with right off the back.
- Said one time she spilled coffee on her laptop it ruined her day and she had to dissociated for hours after work.
- I was driving one time and she started venting to me about her day in almost a rage like way.
- Around 9 weeks in, it was like a sudden change of heart. I'd say distancing from me. Then started to try and one up me.
- Said she doesn't think she could ever live on her own.
- Seemed to reciprocate my identity back to me (hard to explain)
- Mother has her when she was 18 years old
- Majority of friends are men because women stress her out.
- Said she has stalked her exes in the past.
- On anti-depressant medicine.
- Covet manipulator/controlling and was somewhat high functioning
- There was no middle ground. Felt I was being constantly tested per say. Felt she was purposely trying to make me jealous.
- Talking to a new guy within a week. Seems to be already in to him  (Has exes that tell her they had a strong connection with her)
- Did not take criticism well
- Has childhood friends that are all boys. Only a few adult friends long term.  Has never been single since 14, now 26.
- Episodes of random day dreaming... .

My questions are:

Does this type of behavior seem likely she has BPD or could it be PTSD?

Why does the non feel blindsided at the end and why do we ignore red flags in the beginning?

Did she discard me because I wouldn't allow myself to be controlled?

Is it normal I feel like I have attracted a few of these women in the past too?

She definitely painted me black and blocked me. Is it a bad idea to remain friends with them after the break-up or just move on and let it be?

After dating for two months and things going really well do they flip a switch and go cold?

How do the detach from their partners in such little time? (if this is even possible)

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I believe my recent ex was BPD for a couple reasons. Some of these you also discussed. She was quick to anger, and any judgment was not received well. She is also on antidepressants which can keep them from even realizing any BPD symptoms because of the depression. The controlling is also a very defining characteristic of people with BPD. It is what they try to do every second of their lives.

Now for your second part. If she is indeed BPD then she did leave because you weren't gonna be controlled. After 15 months I finally walked out on her and told her we both needed to work on this relationship. After a week of me not giving in she shut off the emotions and became the one to not give in.

They detach because it was always a love/care based on THEIR needs. When you genuinely love someone the feelings just can't be turned off like that. Because you care about them.

I'll tell you a story. I met a girl who seemed pretty normal and treated me very well early on. I didn't feel comfortable in that relationship so I didn't dive right in. After about a month and a half I told her that I needed to call it off. She was devastated. But I know that I hurt her. And she didn't do anything wrong. Someone with BPD traits will not admit responsibility and won't realize they hurt someone else. They can't see it. Because it's always about them.

And that hurts. Because they lure us in and make us feel so special and that they need us. Well it's true, they do need us. The problem is when we start to set boundaries or disprove their disney ideal of a relationship they cut and run. And we are left trying to pick up the pieces.

[FallenOne]

Everyone's recovery time will be different depending on how long their relationship was, the severity of their BPD partners behaviors, and your own detachment abilities...

For me, I am a little over 2 months out of a 4 year relationship and simply getting back out into the world, rediscovering things, talking to people I neglected, and meeting new women has helped me greatly.

[mar356]

I appreciate the responses. I'm not going to think too much into it. Going to continue educating myself on the disorder and make sure it doesn't happen again!

[SuperJew82]

Okay, erie similiar.

-Only communicating via Text/would say things like give me attention YES YES YES YES YES
-Hyper sensitive to small things. E.g. she got an email from her boss she did not like and it ruined her day because the second email the boss sent he put doctor (last name) on it.  YES
- Weird driving pattern. Seems to drive a little reckless. Few accidents in a few months. Pulling into a parking spot and hitting the gas in lieu of the brakes... .  YES YES YES - random bouts of driving rage
- Seemed to have a few alcoholic beverages everyday and get drunk once a week. YES
- Felt like I was being idealized/obsessed with right off the back. YES YES YES YES YES YES
- Said one time she spilled coffee on her laptop it ruined her day and she had to dissociated for hours after work. YES
- I was driving one time and she started venting to me about her day in almost a rage like way.
- Around 9 weeks in, it was like a sudden change of heart. I'd say distancing from me. Then started to try and one up me.
- Said she doesn't think she could ever live on her own. YES ( only in times where we didn't recycle... .recycling would hit the reset button

- Seemed to reciprocate my identity back to me (hard to explain) YES YES YES YES YES
- Mother has her when she was 18 years old ? NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEANT
- Majority of friends are men because women stress her out. YES YES YES YES YES ( She would say women are too much drama, or too much work to keep as friends - she didn't really have any friends to speak of )

- Said she has stalked her exes in the past. YES YES YES YES YES YES , she met her baby-daddy while stalking her prev ex
- On anti-depressant medicine. YES , was prescribed but stop taking it. I remember when she tried it, and she got in a really bad disassociative state

- Covet manipulator/controlling and was somewhat high functioning YES YES YES -was very smart and a RN

- There was no middle ground. Felt I was being constantly tested per say. Felt she was purposely trying to make me jealous. UMM NOT REALLY
- Talking to a new guy within a week. Seems to be already in to him  (Has exes that tell her they had a strong connection with her) - YES YES YES YES YES. Always had a guy or two on the backburner. The min an argument or anything would happen - she would be off to them. I asked her to stop talking with her ex's... .she broke that time and time again... .even changing their contact names on her phone. Lied about everything all the time.

- Did not take criticism well - YES - but many healthy people don't take it well... .

- Has childhood friends that are all boys. Only a few adult friends long term.  Has never been single since 14, now 26. YES she was 27, virtually no friends... .she met over a dozen of my friends in our 1.5 relationship... .I met none of hers.

- Episodes of random day dreaming... .YES YES YES... .she would blank out... .also would forget events or change history... I think she honestly believed herself.

[SuperJew82]

I'm three months out of a 1.5 year relationship with a diagnosed ex. I'm finally finding myself and I'm happy and content for the first time in a long time. I still don't have any desire to date - but that's fine with me.

[SWLSR]

Mar 356

I want to say that I am almost 6 years out of a 15 year marriage to a BPD.  The questions you ask are very similar to the ones I asked when our marriage seemed to explode overnight.  Overtime some answers have come to me but what I discovered was everything was worse than I ever realized it was.  In someways everything that we had was lie.  A BPD is does not make rational decisions everything is off the cuff, including there decision to be with us.  It has been almost six years and to this day nothing is normal, the wreckage of a life she left me in always going to be there.  However I have learned to cope and most days have too much going on in the now to think about her.  To answer your question normal comes when you are living your life with the a certain understanding that I still have alot of good to look forward to and it will not include her either.  But as to what I thought was normal before the blow up, that life is gone forever.     

[mar356]

"Mar 356

I want to say that I am almost 6 years out of a 15 year marriage to a BPD.  The questions you ask are very similar to the ones I asked when our marriage seemed to explode overnight.  Overtime some answers have come to me but what I discovered was everything was worse than I ever realized it was.  In someways everything that we had was lie.  A BPD is does not make rational decisions everything is off the cuff, including there decision to be with us.  It has been almost six years and to this day nothing is normal, the wreckage of a life she left me in always going to be there.  However I have learned to cope and most days have too much going on in the now to think about her.  To answer your question normal comes when you are living your life with the a certain understanding that I still have alot of good to look forward to and it will not include her either.  But as to what I thought was normal before the blow up, that life is gone forever."

Oh man that seems horrible.  How soon into the relationship did you start to realize the BPD traits? I feel like I dodged a bullet because I realized something wasn't right 2 months into mine, I felt like I was being tricked into a relationship and was seeing a sudden slow power grip from them.  I had no idea what it was and at first thought it was a demon trying to possess me and I even asked her if she worship the satin (I guess I was sensing she didn't have a true identity)... .But since I would not allow her to control me it started a quick devaluing to discard phase.  I felt a little blindsided because it start out so intensely. I have found that these sites and having a better understanding of relationship and PD has helped a lot. However, it is a game changer because know what I know now is going to make moving forward a new plan with a new perspective.

[SWLSR]

Mar 356

I had no idea what BPD was.  I knew something was not right but I didn't know what it was.  I understand the mechanism of what it is but how someone could be that way is still beyond me

[Duped 1]

They detach because it was always a love/care based on THEIR needs. When you genuinely love someone the feelings just can't be turned off like that. Because you care about them.


Exactly! It's almost not human how they  can detach immediately after idolizong and proclaiming their endless love. What a mindf**k!

[In a bad way]

They detach because it was always a love/care based on THEIR needs. When you genuinely love someone the feelings just can't be turned off like that. Because you care about them.


Exactly! It's almost not human how they  can detach immediately after idolizong and proclaiming their endless love. What a mindf**k!

I agree, it's so sad and so far past logic.
I was the one she loved me, but she didn't because I wouldn't be in this mess .

[balletomane]

I'm almost two years out of my relationship, and I've been no contact for nearly all of that time.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when I started to feel 'normal'. It happened gradually. I can tell two stories to illustrate the process. When I was only four months out, I spilled some Dr Pepper in a friend's car. I started apologising immediately, my heart was racing, and I felt sick with anxiety. My ex was rigid about cleanliness and tidiness (he was diagnosed with OCD as well as BPD) and he even had rules about exactly where I could put my handbag, getting angry if I did it wrong. My friend just said, "Hey, no big deal", handed me a tissue, and carried on talking. It took me a while to accept that she wasn't going to lash out at me over the spillage, and for the next couple of hours the Dr Pepper incident was preying on my mind, and I was worried she was secretly angry. Another part of my mind was observing this reaction. I knew it wasn't logical and I could see I'd be conditioned into reacting this way through my ex's volatile behaviour. I had many other reactions that I needed to 'unlearn', and I realised how far I'd come just the other night, when I was reflecting on how much easier it is for me to trust people these days. If I write to a friend and don't get a reply soon, I still worry that I did something bad and they're giving me the silent treatment - but now I don't panic about it, I'm able to remind myself that almost everyone I know has a very busy schedule, and they almost certainly don't mean anything by it if they're not able to reply within the day. Reason almost always outweighs my worries now.

Another big change has been in my friendships: I'm now able to enjoy socialising with a variety of people. I'd forgotten what that was like, because he used to take up so much of my time and thoughts that even when I was with others he would be on my mind - I'd be worrying if he'd be angry that I'd spent time with people other than him, for example, if he'd cut himself over it, if he'd discard me because of it. It meant that I could never really just enjoy a social situation; his shadow was always present even when he wasn't there. This change was gradual too, so gradual that I barely noticed it happening until I came home from a nice event and realised that all the while I was there I had been completely immersed in listening to my friends and catching up with them - I hadn't had that dark sinister backing track playing on repeat in my mind. I'm still not completely healed but I think this is fine progress for two years out.