What do I say now?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So here I am again. After much debate with myself and my T, I had mailed out a closure letter to my exBPDbf. It was I thought a very nice letter basicially saying that I always will have respect for the time we had together, therefore I will always maintain my respect for him. And basically wishing him and myself peace as we move forward. My T said it would be OK to send it, because I was riddled with guilt with the idea that I just left him hanging in "his misery". As I was in mine as well. I do maintain that respect, because although he wound up being very verbally abusive and had extreme paranoid accusations, when he was "good" he was extremely generous and helpful and good to my girls.

During my 2 months NC I've been doing tons of research and reading on self-help, reading here.  Really trying to work on myself! Trying to "love myself" again. I never really knew what that meant... .always sounded kinda corny... .but come to find out, it's not beating yourself up with guilt and wondering "what if I tried... .?"  So part of my ongoing recovery has been to come to peace with him, which is why I sent the letter. Push aside the anger and bitterness... .it's still an ongoing battle. But I'm feeling like I'm improving, atleast that's how I feel today.

Well I sent this letter to him weeks ago, and I received a voice message from him last night, although his number came up as "restricted", and of course he called at 12:15am on a Sunday night. I was sleeping of course. Anyway, his message went on to basically mock my letter, saying that it was very conflicting, and that he "knows" that I've been involved with someone else for the past 2 years, and also said that he KNOWS I've been having his phone tapped, and has it in black and white showing it, and that he guesses we all had a good time listening. ?  Both are totally ludicrous accusations as usual. But went on to say that his life is in turmoil, glad I have moved on. Was making it say that it was all about me. But the issue is, that he has a large wood chipper still in my shed and tools in my garage that he said he needs to pick up, and he will be calling me back.

So, my question to anyone out there.  How do I at this point have a final conversation with him? Do I even bother to say once again that his paranoid accusations of me are completely false?  I know he will want to bring something up.

I want to tell him that I have been going through hell these past few months of trying to fix myself because of REAL, CONCRETE things he has said and done to me.  His issues with me are made up in his head... .completely fiction! I also am aware now... .that anything he says to me that may hurt I will immediately stop, because now I know he does not have any right to talk to me like that or accuse me of anything!

Anyone have any suggestions? Without getting into the whole JADE-ing again. How do I communicate with him at this point? Hopefully for the last time.

[Roselee]

So here I am again. After much debate with myself and my T, I had mailed out a closure letter to my exBPDbf. It was I thought a very nice letter basicially saying that I always will have respect for the time we had together, therefore I will always maintain my respect for him. And basically wishing him and myself peace as we move forward. My T said it would be OK to send it, because I was riddled with guilt with the idea that I just left him hanging in "his misery". As I was in mine as well. I do maintain that respect, because although he wound up being very verbally abusive and had extreme paranoid accusations, when he was "good" he was extremely generous and helpful and good to my girls.

During my 2 months NC I've been doing tons of research and reading on self-help, reading here.  Really trying to work on myself! Trying to "love myself" again. I never really knew what that meant... .always sounded kinda corny... .but come to find out, it's not beating yourself up with guilt and wondering "what if I tried... .?"  So part of my ongoing recovery has been to come to peace with him, which is why I sent the letter. Push aside the anger and bitterness... .it's still an ongoing battle. But I'm feeling like I'm improving, atleast that's how I feel today.

Well I sent this letter to him weeks ago, and I received a voice message from him last night, although his number came up as "restricted", and of course he called at 12:15am on a Sunday night. I was sleeping of course. Anyway, his message went on to basically mock my letter, saying that it was very conflicting, and that he "knows" that I've been involved with someone else for the past 2 years, and also said that he KNOWS I've been having his phone tapped, and has it in black and white showing it, and that he guesses we all had a good time listening. ?  Both are totally ludicrous accusations as usual. But went on to say that his life is in turmoil, glad I have moved on. Was making it say that it was all about me. But the issue is, that he has a large wood chipper still in my shed and tools in my garage that he said he needs to pick up, and he will be calling me back.

So, my question to anyone out there.  How do I at this point have a final conversation with him? Do I even bother to say once again that his paranoid accusations of me are completely false?  I know he will want to bring something up.

I want to tell him that I have been going through hell these past few months of trying to fix myself because of REAL, CONCRETE things he has said and done to me.  His issues with me are made up in his head... .completely fiction! I also am aware now... .that anything he says to me that may hurt I will immediately stop, because now I know he does not have any right to talk to me like that or accuse me of anything!

Anyone have any suggestions? Without getting into the whole JADE-ing again. How do I communicate with him at this point? Hopefully for the last time.

[ynwa]

Hey Roselee,

You asked a great question. Can we have that final conversation? As in close the book and out it on the shelf? Obviously this is not easy. And for everyone is different as far as time right?

Your letter vs. their phone message.  Who do you think has changed? I'd say it was you right? Not your feelings, but how you see it for what it is? 

You probably want to answer his accusations, and help him understand your letter right? 

[Roselee]

ynwa,

Yes!  That's it exactly!  Is that even possible? 

And Yes, I have changed, but as you said, my feelings are still sore and raw from his hurt, but for seeing it for what it is and became. It's sad, and that it what I have been trying to work on... .the sadness of it all.

But, when he does call back, or when he does come to get his things... .I know I will defend myself against his crazy words. But I want to try to do it in a smart way... .if there is such a thing. I know for me there is... .but maybe not to him.

[mar356]

I'm 100% sure closure is not something you will get from a BPD.  If you had contact after the break up they would probably even cite their reason in that.  They make up their own facts based on illogical thinking and emotion.  They then believe those facts are solid. Trying to argue or get closure is a waste of time, thees people are masters at flipping it back on you.

[once removed]

it does not sound like hes in a place to have this conversation, and i suspect if you argue, it will only fuel his narrative.

go for the quickest, most painless way of letting him get his things back. have a trusted family member or friend if need be.

[ynwa]

ynwa,

But, when he does call back, or when he does come to get his things... .I know I will defend myself against his crazy words. But I want to try to do it in a smart way... .if there is such a thing. I know for me there is... .but maybe not to him.

In relationships like these, having that moment of closure is sometimes not what we need or will get.  But... .being able to walk away even if for awhile, or not answer the phone. These are our moments, for us.

I know your letter was right and written with love and truth.  Your truth. Your love.  You are doing the right things Roselee, truly. For you.