27 year marriage to diagnosed bi-polar husband needs to end

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

Due to the nature of the illness, the manias have driven me away from my husband countless times.  But, once he comes down, I have always come back.  He makes promises to manage his manias, but they still last for weeks, repeating every 6 months. In addition to the mental issues, he also has a number of physical problems, which at the age of 72 are not surprising.  I am 10 years younger and know that I am only enabling him and destroying my self worth by allowing this vicious cycle to continue.  We have no children together.  He has 2 grown daughters from a prior marriage who have had no contact with him in 4 years.  They are keeping him from having any sort of contact with their grandchildren.  His sister never calls him either.  His verbal abuse has antagonized most of his family members and he will not discuss any of this with his therapist.  He has a very one sided, victimized view of the situation and dwells on his own distorted version of the past.  I am tired of living his life and adjusting my feelings to coincide with his volatile moods.  I have finally opened up to members of my family and mutual friends of ours who are aware of his problem.  I feel supported and loved by them. How do I get through to him that this time I will not come back?  I need to do this for me.

[JRP]

Hi,

Due to the nature of the illness, the manias have driven me away from my husband countless times.  But, once he comes down, I have always come back.  He makes promises to manage his manias, but they still last for weeks, repeating every 6 months. In addition to the mental issues, he also has a number of physical problems, which at the age of 72 are not surprising.  I am 10 years younger and know that I am only enabling him and destroying my self worth by allowing this vicious cycle to continue.  We have no children together.  He has 2 grown daughters from a prior marriage who have had no contact with him in 4 years.  They are keeping him from having any sort of contact with their grandchildren.  His sister never calls him either.  His verbal abuse has antagonized most of his family members and he will not discuss any of this with his therapist.  He has a very one sided, victimized view of the situation and dwells on his own distorted version of the past.  I am tired of living his life and adjusting my feelings to coincide with his volatile moods.  I have finally opened up to members of my family and mutual friends of ours who are aware of his problem.  I feel supported and loved by them. How do I get through to him that this time I will not come back?  I need to do this for me.

[roberto516]

I understand the victim role. I sometimes wonder if I am playing that part as well. It's tough for me to see if I'm doing any projection. Regardless this has been a long time for you. Far longer than my two combined relationships of 5 years.

I can only tell you that I understand a lot of this. If you need support or anyone to talk you I will be here for support through the forums or a private message. The best way I am finding to get out of my head is to talk about, and to genuinely care about other people. So by all means, help me help you 

[vortex of confusion]

  Welcome to the forums!

The best way to get through to him is to NOT go back. I know that sounds overly simple. You have to make up your mind that you aren't going back and then stick to it.

When you have gone back and given in so many times, it is reasonable for him to expect you to come back. That is what you have done for years. Why would this time be any different?

I am not trying to pick on you. I ended a relationship with my husband after 18 years of marriage (20 or so together). I bought his stuff for years. I would listen to whatever he wanted to feed me and I would eat it up and go back for more thinking that this time would be different.

The last straw for me was when he said he couldn't wait to leave in front of our kids. The next day, I invited him to leave. He kept waiting for me to back down. In the past, I would back down or say, "Oh, let's do <fill in the blank> before we give up." The day he left, he kept waiting for me to change my mind. I still haven't changed my mind. When he got kicked out of the last place he was at, he asked if he could stay on the couch. I said no. He asked if he could sleep in his car in the driveway. I said no. It was soo hard to tell him no. I did it and I stood by it. That is the only way to get through to him that I am done. It is being consistent and NOT giving in no matter what he tries to say or do.

And, it is staying strong during those moments when it feels like it would be easier to go back. Have a support network in place that can talk sense into you when you are having a moment of weakness. Write a journal that you can go back and read when you start questioning whether or not you are doing the right thing. Heck, after posting here for a while, you can go back and read your old posts and be reminded of it.