Will be posting on Improving Relationship from now on :)

[Shedd]

Don't worry, we are not back together.

She text me tonight helping to give me closure.  She didn't cheat on me like I thought she did.  It was all in my head.

I guess she says chemistry fizzled out and the love was coming more from my side than hers.

I am a little upset, but not terribly because I've been over it for a while.  I'm upset only because she never really tried to have chemistry with me I was always so worried about her she turned me into this awful person.  Of course anyone would fall out of love with the person I became in the relationship... .


But we're friends again, and I'm letting her come to me when she wants I don't want to overstep my boundaries.  I am just happy to have her back in my life because that is what I wanted in the first place.

I wish you all well, and hope you can find the courage to either improve your relationships or move on.  

Thank you all for your help on here.  It has helped me a lot this last year. Take care.

[Ragnar1982]

You believe this?

[Sparky0426]

This is how the recycling begins. You should really stop and think about what you're doing then be prepared for the consequences... .

[SuperJew82]

I really want to respect your decision but inside I'm just face-palming. You sound like me a year ago.


"Things are getting better... .all that stuff was in my head... my intuition was wrong... .it's your fault... .we can be friends"


Every situation is different, so all I'm saying is put up your boundaries sky high. If she seriously commits to therapy and really wants to get better ( for her sake, not yours)... .maybe?

Please go find a good therapist for your own health. I have a feeling you are going to be driving down recycle road pretty soon... .and put on your seatbelt, cause it's a bumpy ride my friend.

[SuperJew82]

** Also I doubt that you were an awful person. You sound like a loving and forgiving caretaker from what I'm picking up.

You are a prime target.

[mevz]

Of course anyone would fall out of love with the person I became in the relationship... .

You're gas lighting yourself my friend. Do not take full responsibility for the problems. Just reading your subject heading made me realize that you are probably heading down the road of recycling. Especially when you have already started blaming yourself for all the problems and she's barely back.

It was all in my head.

That is rarely true either. Go with your gut feeling. Ask yourself if all the pain was worth a second round.

Just be careful.

[roberto516]

This is my situation. Well was. She said there was no chemistry. What she means is it got too difficult to actually work on it as a team. And this sounds like a control thing. Keep you in her back pocket. She had me fooled too into thinking it was different. Still does sometimes when I dwell on it.

Honestly. Part of me believes you posted this because you wanted people to hit you with the hard truth that you know is there.

[hurting300]

So she's "BPD" and you believe her when she said she didn't cheat? Can she prove she didn't? You are placing all the blame on yourself. Sure you did your part yes but what boundary did she cross?

[Shedd]

Ok, maybe you guys are right, but here is the thing.  


She is truly trying to get better so yes I do believe her.  She has gone to therapy like every day for the last year and she has quit drinking on top of that.  

I'm not placing the blame on myself.  I am placing the blame on her because she didn't even try to have chemistry or work with me in the relationship.

She told me it wasn't meant to be and that she hopes I can find someone.  So how would she be trying to recycle me by those statements? She wanted to be fair to me and give me closure. She didn't break her promise about coming to me.

Maybe she did still cheat,  I will never know, but our relationship is over she's not trying to recycle me. I have my boundaries set high so I'm not letting her get to me like that again.  I have closed off my heart from her to get back into loving her again she would have to prove a lot to me.

[steelwork]

I really wish the best for you, Shedd. (I wish the best for all of us).

Real question: how is she supposed to *try* to have chemistry with you? How do you define chemistry, and what do you see as the role of effort in getting it?

[SuperJew82]

I'm glad a sufferer is going to therapy, but it's a long road for them - but they can get new skills that will make their life better.

Oh yea... .if your intuition is telling you something - LISTEN TO IT!

This has gaslighting, blame-shifting, and manipulation written ALL over it.

I actually have a friend who is BPD (not the ex I vent over it) I think she is a good person and she goes to therapy twice a week - but she is still a bit of a wrecking ball for now. She is 24. I feel that when she is 30 she is going be much better since she started young and wants to change. I have caught her lying and trying to cheat on her girlfriend a few times already - she feels bad about it and I understand it's to avoid pain.

My ex would tell me she was going to therapy. I found out later that was a lie when I saw a bill come in with multiple "no show" charges.

Typical therapy is usually one DBT session a week and one group therapy. I have never heard of daily therapy... .

I hope you can keep your boundaries up and protect yourself while being there as a supportive friend. You are much stronger than I could ever be.

Most people find it very difficult to be friends with a healthy ex after a breakup. Being friends with a BPD ex sounds nearly impossible without getting hurt.


I would like to know how many people have fallen for the "let's be friends" trap here? How did it work out? For me, it ended up with me being stuck in a recycling pattern so many times... .it was horrible.

[FallenOne]

How can you believe anything she says? About cheating or otherwise?

[Shedd]

I really wish the best for you, Shedd. (I wish the best for all of us).

Real question: how is she supposed to *try* to have chemistry with you? How do you define chemistry, and what do you see as the role of effort in getting it?

Well, for instance.  I would always try to watch her T.V shows she liked even if I didn't like them, or movies.  I tried to get into football because she was a huge fan.  I am now more into it.  I went out side with her once even to just toss a football around. Just things like that.  She didn't try anything for me she didn't seem interested in anything I liked. 

I basically  did everything for her, but it was never good enough.  Anything I wanted to do like go look at the waterfall or go to a comedy club she always did with someone else.  She wouldn't let me take her.


We did have making movies as a similar hobby.  I was hoping to eventually make one with her but our relationship was always so stressful I didn't have the time.

[Shedd]

How can you believe anything she says? About cheating or otherwise?

I don't know for sure.  I'm not trying to believe everything she says, and she probably did cheat.  Who knows, but the past is the past and I guess I can't make her tell me the truth.  She's made her mind up that this is the true story that she didn't.   It still makes sense in my head to me that she did, but I will never know. 

Just don't understand how this recycling thing works I guess.  One day will she want to be with me again? She seems pretty clear that we are over.

[Pretty Woman]

Shedd,
  Just be careful. Keep your eyes open and trust your gut. It won't steer you wrong.

I am not a moderator but I feel the need to put my two cents in... .

to the other posters on this thread, keep in mind we are all at different stages of our recovery. Some people DO go back to their ex, whether as a lover or as a friend. Many of us have done this ourselves and well... .we are back here again    I think everyone (so far) is being very respectful of Shedd's decision and I hope we can keep it that way. We are here to support even if we do not agree or "think" we know what the outcome may be. I know when I used to read posts like this I too would shudder and face palm. I was not where I am now, it was fresh and I took it very personal because I felt like I lived it. It actually triggered me.

This is Shedd's relationship NOT ours.

I love this board because people are very kind and supportive. Lets keep supporting our friend here because we UNDERSTAND. I think we all know what it feels like to feel very alone in these relationships.
 

Shedd, all I can say is be careful because this "could" be triangulation or an attempt to triangulate you with a new source. When my ex left she said ALL the same things, told me I was her "best friend" and she would always be in my life but we were friends NOT lovers, that I "checked out of the relationship" which in retrospect I likely did... .from 3yrs of cheating, lying and stealing from me.

When a break up happens it is usually one-sided. Even in normal, healthy relationships. So now you have been officially friendzoned. She can date whomever she wants and you are supposed to have no feelings or input regarding it. While you are "licking your fresh wounds" and grieving the break up she may end up parading this person in front of you to:

A) Make the new person jealous and hold their interest in her (manufacture competition between the two of you)
B) Keep you as a back up in the event the new person doesn't work out.

I went through this three times with my ex. My ex wanted us to be friends while she dated the person she cheated on me with. I learned from previous experiences with this (with her) I wanted no part of this (after the final discard) and we have not spoken since (2yrs in May).

But in the past we would go for drinks and she would tell me how in love she was with this new person (a person she knew a week) and how she had never met someone so "deep" so loving and smart.

That's all fine and dandy but what ex ever wants to hear that, especially a week after being dumped? It's cruel and shows absolutely no empathy (which is a cornerstone of BPD, the lack thereof).

It takes two to tango and dating a BPD is a toxic dance. Being friends with a BPD is worse, esp if you have dated them. In many situations, and you will read about this on this board... .once they secure someone and the new person is sufficiently jealous (because the BPD will tell the new person how amazing you are to make them jealous) once they KNOW this person is into them, hook, line and sinker, they will dump your friendship saying it's not "fair" to their new amore and you will experience the breakup all over again... .from the friendzone.
Again, this is MY experience. I do not wish this for you but I do want you to be aware this is more common than not.

You are a smart cookie, Shedd. I know you will make the best decision for YOU. Know we are here to support and please know all our advice is given with the best of intentions.  

We don't care about your ex. We care about you.

Good luck with your decision/s.

PW

[steelwork]

Oh--I see what you mean. Like showing interest in what interests you. That is important and does sometimes take a little work. To me, chemistry means something else--like spark or basic sexual attraction--which, well, it seems both unfair and futile to blame someone for not feeling it.

[Shedd]

Oh--I see what you mean. Like showing interest in what interests you. That is important and does sometimes take a little work. To me, chemistry means something else--like spark or basic sexual attraction--which, well, it seems both unfair and futile to blame someone for not feeling it.

That's probably why she stopped the conversation last night.  Started to get into that.  I guess i have to leave that part alone.

The attraction and sexual attraction is definitely there on both parts, so I'm not sure what exactly she means by no chemistry. We had it at first, but she says it just fizzled out.

[Lucky Jim]

"to get back into loving her again she would have to prove a lot to me."

Hey Shedd, What would she have to prove for you to "get back into loving her again"?  What would you like to see happen?  It's OK if you decide to recycle.  Plenty of us have done it, including me.  You're walking a tightrope, so be careful.

LJ

[Shedd]

"to get back into loving her again she would have to prove a lot to me."

I would have more boundaries and she would have to let me have them.  I would do a lot more for myself then be there for her at her every need, and her every call.

I would put my phone down when i am hanging out with friends and she would have to understand that.  Even if she threatens to kill herself when i am there.

If she does threaten to kill herself I will take more action this time and call the cops if she does this to me. 

I wouldn't feel the need to respond to her every second she needs me.

There are more but I can't think of them right now.

[Shedd]

Thank you, Pretty Woman for your kind words. I would quote some stuff, but I am on my phone at the moment and it's hard to do that.  Haha.

I will be extra careful this time.  Thank you for understanding. 

[SuperJew82]

Shedd I wish you the best - and I for sure don't judge you. Every relationship is different. I think this virtual support group will have your back and I hope you keep us posted on this.

Thank you for the reminder Pretty Woman. (:
You are absolutely correct.

[Skip]

90% of us recycle back into the relationship. Some understand that they need to change for it to work (and hopefully the partner does too) and some move to "Improving" to learn better relationship skills (not just BPD skills).  

But most don't. Most go quiet here, jump back into the same problem with the same approach and struggle with the same problems.

I think Shedd is doing the right thing.

I will say this, Shedd. "Values/Boundaries" are more about entering the right venue than altering the wrong venue. They are superb for the former, not so effective for the latter.

The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one small aspect of this life skill.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

The number one skill for us is mindfulness. We have to learn how to not trigger.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

The number one skill for the relationship is listening. Partners need to be heard.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy


        Break-up/make-up cycles



              Single break-up (no recycles) is 10%

PS: A love triangle is not "triangulation", its is, surprisingly, a "love triangle". Triangulation is a nature coping skill and there is both good and bad triangulation.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[bunny4523]

Shedd,

I like that you are setting up some boundaries for yourself.  I hope you are able to stick to them because most likely even if she is working on getting better, she will have set backs and you need to focus on taking care of you.  Either way, you will need those boundaries to ensure a healthy relationship or to exit the relationship... .so do your best to keep yourself healthy & whole.

Bunny

[Lucky Jim]

"I would put my phone down when i am hanging out with friends and she would have to understand that.  Even if she threatens to kill herself when i am there."

Hey Shedd, Think about what you're saying (above).  Threatening to commit suicide is an extreme form of manipulation, so be careful if you venture back into the Cave of the BPD Minotaur.

LJ