Melpomene
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: February 27, 2017, 11:54:05 PM » |
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Hello everyone,
As most of you, I'm sure, I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences. The short version is, I'm a 49 year old man who deals with his own depression and anxiety issues. In 2011, I met a woman. We dated and after about a year and a half were married. I knew clearly going into it that she had what we thought was a major depressive disorder. I knew that it would be a lot of work and require a lot of love and care. I thought that, suffering from depression myself, I would have some insight and we could help each other along. I knew my wife's mother was a very strange and volatile person (and alcoholic), but didn't know the full extent of things. I knew my wife had a stormy relationship with her manipulative parents, but then again, that isn't so uncommon, right?
Now, almost five years later, it has gradually come to be revealed the her mother clearly has full-blown BPD, a "bad case", or whatever you might call it. My wife figured that one out first. With the aid of my therapist, it's become quite obvious to me that my wife, too, suffers from BPD. I don't need to write here about all my stories about what it's like to live with and love someone with this disorder - you all know them well, I'm sure. So I'll skip that for now.
The problem is, even though *I* know my wife has BPD, she does all she can to avoid acknowledging it. She says she has "treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder", which she has been diagnosed with for decades. She had been seeing the same therapist for *30 years*, who is soon retiring and she is now seeing someone new in addition. My therapist is nearly certain she has BPD, and other people have hinted to her that she may have it as well. This TERRIFIES her. She abjectly does not want to be given that diagnosis. For her, it would be like being diagnosed with cancer, like being told she is like her horrible mother. She thinks it is incurable. Though she won't admit it, I think she knows deep down. But on the surface, if anyone suggests she has anything other than depression, she breaks down.
I love my wife SO much. I would do anything to help her. And, yes, to help myself - I sometimes barely have the strength to deal with things myself. Trying to be strong for her, too, is too much for me and our relationship is breaking down. I don't know how long I can "walk on eggshells" (or walk through the minefield, as I think of it). She often suggests we separate: when she is depressed, she suggests it so that I can be rid of someone as damaged as her. When she is angry, she suggests it because she thinks I don't love her. I am constantly tossed on the rollercoaster. It hurts me so much to see her suffer such pain. And, of course, my own life is not exactly a bundle of joy due to the burden of caring for her. Though I suffer from my own mental disorders, I could probably keep my head above water if left to my own devices. But I feel things slipping and I don't think I can do this forever.
For the record, she is in therapy, and we have been perusing all the most cutting edge depression treatments for her - TMS, DBT, and even Ketamine infusions (which seem to work well, temporarily). But she is still often a miserable wreck. I think the most important thing for her now is to simply admit and acceot that, yes, she has BPD. Just like they say, the first step to treatment is admitting you have the problem. But even referring to the possibility in the most gentle, glancing way possible sends her off on a days-long crying jag.
I need help. I need to know how to deal with this and help her - and myself. I don't want to leave her. She is the sweetest, most wonderful person ever.
Thanks.
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