I left, and he doesn't understand why.

[SettingBorders]

These are tough days. Yesterday I announced that I need to take a break from the relationship. Of cause he wasn't pleased, but acted like a grown up, like a 'non'. I am positively impressed. I'm staying at my mothers with our daugther.

But he doesn't at all understand what is my problem with the way he had treated me. I said I told him several times. He said: He doesn't know. And if I could write it down for him. It's true: Every time I told him (most times in small bites) I realized that he didn't understand.

What do you think? If I write it down, it could trigger him very badly. But wouldn't it be fair?

[formflier]

Much better to stick with verbal.

What is it you want him to understand?

Honestly, I would count his actions as a victory and enjoy a few days rest. 

Then, with a clearer head... .post here about what parts of the r/s you would like to change (if you want to return)... .or if you are done, start down that road.

Perhaps a bigger question, what are you hoping to accomplish by taking a break?

FF

[vortex of confusion]

A couple of questions. . .

Do you think he would understand if you wrote it down?

If he didn't understand it in small bites, do you think he could understand it in one big bite?

If you wrote it down, could you do it in a matter of fact, non-accusatory way?

Can you write it down for YOU and maybe share it here or keep it in a journal? What would be the purpose of sharing it with him?

I asked my ex to leave. He still reminds me that I am the one that "invited" him to leave. I didn't feel like I had much choice given the way he was behaving and how I had lost the ability to respond and interact in constructive and healthy ways. I still don't know if he fully understands why I did what I did.

[formflier]

I do think that writing a letter... .as VOC suggested... .is great for you.

Think about doing 4-5 drafts over a week or so.  Keep each copy separate... .so you can look at final product... and compare to first one.

Yeah... I'm a bit structured in the way I do things... .

Anyway... .I try to chop out 1/3 each time I write.  The more succinct you are the more focused your message.

A focused message is important in life, critical with pwBPD. 

Once you have a focused message, then we can coach you with how best to deliver it.  Hint:  pwBPD need to be "prepared" to hear.  Deal with emotional stuff first, then deliver message... .then ask for their understanding.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SB, I suggest you stay at your mother's place until the water clears.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  I think writing a letter that you don't intend to send is a good idea, as FF and VOC suggest.  Maybe you could use your letter as an outline for what you will cover verbally?  In my experience, those w/BPD tend to hear what they want to hear, so it can be quite frustrating.

LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

I had another thought regarding your question about it being fair. Is it fair to you to try to communicate something to him that you may or may not be able to clearly articulate?

In the initial days of my separation, there was very limited contact. When we did start communicating more, it was still a lot of the same. It took me quite a while to get to a place where I could make a decision and stand by it. I ultimately chose to leave and be done. I had to have a clear head to get to that point.

Once my decision became clear and firm to ME, I was able to communicate that to him and give him a consistent message. If you are on the fence, would it be possible to put him off or give him an answer along the lines of, "My head is swimming right now. I am not in a place where I can explain anything to you right now. I need the time and space to get myself in order so that I can address our relationship in a more balanced manner." Once I was firm in my decision, I didn't feel as much of a need to explain things to him. Every now and then (a year later), I still have to remind him of why I chose to end the relationship.

[SettingBorders]

I feel much better. I am starting to feel happy again, altough thinking of him hurts a lot and makes me sad. I have seen him twice since: Both times I came to our flat so he could see his daughter.

Next week we'll go to couples counseling and I want to be prepared to tell him what had gone wrong for me in our relationship.

Thanks for your interest and your food for thought. I'm still in the thinking process, need some more days to consider all what you wrote and all what I feel and wish. I am going trough your quetsions first.

Honestly, I would count his actions as a victory and enjoy a few days rest. 

No, I'm out here. I don't want to battle anymore. No fights, no victories, no defeat.

Perhaps a bigger question, what are you hoping to accomplish by taking a break?

First, I had to get myself and our daugther out of the fireline. There was toxic silence between him and me the last days. It wasn't bearable anymore. I wasn't able to think clearly. I know it's not a good thing to do to anyone ... .but I needed that for myself.

Do you think he would understand if you wrote it down?

I don't know. Sometimes he had moments of insight in the past. Maybe he will have more of these moments in the future, doesn't need to be now.

If he didn't understand it in small bites, do you think he could understand it in one big bite?

Surely not. So maybe I write down or tell him only the most important things that bothered me.

If you wrote it down, could you do it in a matter of fact, non-accusatory way?

I am thinking about writing down that we had a bad dynamic that made me my tip toing and eggshell walking. But I am not sure if he will still get the message then. Which is: He should get help and work on his own matters.

Can you write it down for YOU and maybe share it here or keep it in a journal? What would be the purpose of sharing it with him?

I want to make him see ... .maybe we can give it another try in some months time... .

Once you have a focused message, then we can coach you with how best to deliver it.  Hint:  pwBPD need to be "prepared" to hear.  Deal with emotional stuff first, then deliver message... .then ask for their understanding.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

Thanks. I am doing that right now. I am collecting notes and I try to bring that to paper.

What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?

My gut feeling is that I want to get over with it. I am happier without him. I am sad though.

"My head is swimming right now. I am not in a place where I can explain anything to you right now. I need the time and space to get myself in order so that I can address our relationship in a more balanced manner."

You're right VOC, I need to be clear myself before I tell him. That's a really good suggestion, thanks!

[formflier]

I want to make him see ... . 

 

I would be cautious with thoughts like this.  The times when I have pushed hard to "make my wife see" my point of view, I tended to be very overbearing and didn't contribute to healing in the r/s.

In other words, it was a continuation of conflict... .vice an effort for understanding... .that might lead to healing.

Yes... .even when the conflict was started by my wife... 100%.  Such as my wife haranguing me over having a child with a militant breast feeding woman at McDonalds.

(militant breast feeding definition).  Anytime, anywhere... .no cover at all.

Anyway... .when my mindset was to "make her see" how preposterous this was, the relationship AND her mental state got WORSE.

When I tried to listen and validate, or just leave her to her own thoughts... .things got much calmer.

2nd point.

Collect your thoughts on paper (or word processor)... .just start writing.  When you are done... .give it a couple hours rest.

Then cut the letter in half... .or take out 1/3. 

Wash rinse... repeat.  Expect multiple drafts until you get to something you can effectively communicate.

FF

[SettingBorders]

I just want to keep you updated. I didn't feel the need to explain to him why I left and also he didn't ask. I didn't write a letter, not even for myself. At couples countselling we talked about mutual caring for our daughther, which of cause is a difficult and conflicting theme. It's connected with lots of fear from both parts and he started to deregulate a bit, but now he is back on earth after couples countselling. Soon beeing neighbours makes it easy for both of us.

He also said at couples countselling that he thinks he still loves me. I was surprised to hear this. What I feel is lots of compassion and the type of love one feels with a brother or sister. I cannot imagine to get back together. I am happy with my new situation. Life has gotten easier. I didn't expect myself to feel so fine so soon afterwards, but that's the way it is.

[Lucky Jim]

I cannot imagine to get back together. I am happy with my new situation. Life has gotten easier. I didn't expect myself to feel so fine so soon afterwards, but that's the way it is.

Hey SB, It was the same for me -- After I left, I never considered going back.  It was such a relief to be free from the daily drama and turmoil.

LJ