Realized that GHOSTING is the only communication the BPD understands

[hopealways]

Ghosting aka NC seems to be in my experience detaching, the only communication my BPDx has ever understood. My silence speaks to her in ways my presence never could.  Why do you think that is? Is it all about the lack of attention that NC gives them which triggers their fear of abandonment?

[vortex of confusion]

I don't think NC and ghosting are the same thing. I had this discussion with somebody once.

Ghosting is cutting them off without any communication and without any kind of explanation. It is usually done because the person doesn't have the ability to be straight forward.

NC, from my understanding, is a self protection method used to put a stop to circular arguments, charming, and other methods that are sometimes used to keep a person locked into an unhealthy dynamic. Most of the people that I have read about going NC, or in my case LC, have attempted to communicate why they are cutting or limiting contact. NC, or LC, was the method of last resort for self protection because the other person refused to hear reason.

I think it works because you are cutting off the supply and you are no longer engaging. Any sort of contact keeps the conflict going. It is "heard" because there is nothing for them to latch onto. Out of sight is out of mind.

[hurting300]

Yes ghosting is the number one tool of a narcissistic sociopath as well. No Contact is when you communicate to them ONCE that you no longer want contact. Ghosting is a cowardly move.

[infjEpic]

Ghosting aka NC seems to be in my experience detaching, the only communication my BPDx has ever understood. My silence speaks to her in ways my presence never could.  Why do you think that is? Is it all about the lack of attention that NC gives them which triggers their fear of abandonment?

A desire to provide explanation and motive/rationale, is often tied to our own desire to alleviate guilt... .and probably shame.
Disordered people typically interpret any such communication as shaming to them. They cannot hold themselves accountable. We typically don't grasp that reality until we are well into recovery however - when we have enough distance (and stability) to gain some level of clarity and perspective.

Because of this, I think all forms of NC eventually end up in a form of Ghosting. (To a pwBPD, the Non is always the one who abandoned them first - regardless of our reality)

I think this is a great post and probably a safer way of detaching/self preservation:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281522.0

[once removed]

the goal is to be more mature post relationship than during.

using a cutoff to effect someone else is messy, it can backfire, and as you can see reading posts here, no one likes it when its done to them.

likewise, using passive aggression is messy and can backfire.

what happened, hopealways? what drove you to go no contact with this person? whats the goal?

[roberto516]

A desire to provide explanation and motive/rationale, is often tied to our own desire to alleviate guilt... .and probably shame.
Disordered people typically interpret any such communication as shaming to them. They cannot hold themselves accountable. We typically don't grasp that reality until we are well into recovery however - when we have enough distance (and stability) to gain some level of clarity and perspective.

Because of this, I think all forms of NC eventually end up in a form of Ghosting. (To a pwBPD, the Non is always the one who abandoned them first - regardless of our reality)

I think this is a great post and probably a safer way of detaching/self preservation:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281522.0

Couldn't have said it any better. There must have been countless times where i would talk to her about how I felt hurt in a situation and it would immediately go to "are you going to leave me?" She always thought it was about her. And when she got defensive at times with anger and I replied then that definitely reinforced that shame. I didn't consciously know about it. It's so dumb because I'm a therapist but I didn't want to analyze her. Had i done so maybe I could have been more supportive... .or ran away when I saw the signs. But I used to tell her all these things. That I can't communicate because it turns into me saving you and then we can't discuss my feelings. The insight is helpful. It really keeps me off missing her. Because I am kicking into my head the reality that she was incapable of being in a healthy relationship with someone who wanted to communicate and grow.

[IamGrey]

When I saw her become increasingly distant, I chose to stop communicating with her for a period, I never ignored her, she just stopped the communication too. It did backfire big time as she now had the perfect excuse to end it without any guilt. She said she couldn't cope with this period of silence. I apologized but to no avail.

Now I still can't cope with the guilt from my actions despite not knowing about BPD at the time. I think it's the guilt and regret which is preventing me from moving on.

[infjEpic]

Now I still can't cope with the guilt from my actions despite not knowing about BPD at the time. I think it's the guilt and regret which is preventing me from moving on.

Owning one's part in the relationship helps - it prevents one from repeating one's mistakes.
 
But Guilt is misplaced. It's not your fault
You were in a disordered relationship.