Texting / E-mail message misunderstandings advice?

[PlasticOno]

Looking for any ,wise sage advice in making my messages to not cause my love to explode ... .I sent her a short loving message about my love for her... .she took it the wrong way... .next day said she was sorry
Anyone been thru this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mr.R.Indignation]

How did she take it the wrong way?

I've had plenty of experience of compliments going awry. One time she said she'd like to do something with me, I replied 'I wouldn't be averse to it' and she got antsy because she felt like that meant I didn't want to do it. Somewhat understandable at first, but even after I said that I was just being coy and I'd be really happy to do it she was still unhappy with the phrasing. I think this might be to do with positive/negative phrasing, as the pwBPD will be more susceptible to things that affect their immediate perceptions rather than underlying understandings. They tend to think in emotions, not in more in-depth judgement of contexts or connotations. So tip #1 is phrase in a way that sounds happy and positive.

Having said that, it won't necessarily work. Sometimes something positive will just make the pwBPD feel more vulnerable or distrustful. There's rarely a scenario that doesn't involve something causing some kind of distress. There's various advice about reflecting and validating the BPD's feelings in order to be properly heard, though. Check out the lessons from the sidebar if you haven't already: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

I'm sure some more veteran members of the forum can link you to further helpful reading, but hopefully that's a beneficial start for you.

[PlasticOno]

thanks so much... .I appreciate that

[Mr.R.Indignation]

Happy to be of service. 

[Grey Kitty]

Think about how you communicate with her and what "usually" works better or worse.

If you are talking in person, you get a huge amount of information from non-verbal cues. and they often matter more than the words you speak.

If you are talking on the phone, your voice still carries a bunch of non-verbal information.

When you text or email, all that is stripped, and you have to use        emoji or otherwise try to "create" that part of your communications. It is easy to intend one thing, and for the other person to "read" something different as far as sincerity or caring, etc.

Stripping the non-verbal stuff can make things either safer or more dangerous depending on the circumstances and the people... .Think about it, and pick the right communications medium for what you want to say. And feel free to experiment a bit. As I said, what works well varies from person to person.

If "sweet nothings" don't go over well by text with her, stop sending them. Some people love them. Others not so much.

I've been flirty/suggestive by text, building anticipation for when we'd be back together. Again, this may or may not go over well. I'm a pragmatist; I look for what seems to work well and try to do that, avoiding things that go over like a lead balloon!

I've found that text-chat formats are great for simple logistics stuff, "I'm running late; see you in an hour", "Please pick up half a gallon of milk when you are at the grocery store."

I've found that text-chat is really bad for serious emotional conversations with a pwBPD, although curiously, I've got some really good and trusted friends that I can have these conversations with by text-chat. They would be more satisfying to do by voice, but they don't blow up this way.

OTOH, I've got another friend who I have great and often deep and serious text-chat conversations with, but when I end up on the phone, the conversations somehow start to feel like a runaway train which is a bit overwhelming and I've got no real control over.

[PlasticOno]

Thank you for the ideas and suggestions Grey Kitty... .taking notes

[PlasticOno]

Down again... .but I found what I did to trigger her... .I sent her a note to say I am sorry  and that I see her point... .well now I saw my part in the trigger
I dd not catch it till after it happened... ,.but now I know what to not say or do to her... .…we have been better now together lately
I relaxed and forgot to reign myself in... .,live and learn
I love her... .,don't want to lose her... .,.my ego takes a backseat

[isilme]

Take a step back from long texts.  Send ones that cannot POSSIBLY be misconstrued - the longer the text, the more likely it can be distorted.  Short, simple, or back off from too many texts.  Too much constant reassurance can stop the pwBPD from self-soothing, a skill they need to learn. 

H hates text messages, but likes being on a messenger all day.  He seems agreeable to getting cat photos from me, or silly things, but I refrain from anything mushy or too emotional.  Anything big and important is saved for face to face, when I can read his emotional status a bit better, and know if it's a good time. 

Try to remember what you actually DID is most often NOT the cause of any upset.  The pwBPD has uncontrollable emotions, and needs to be able to blame their feelings on someone, usually the romantic partner is the closest, easiest target.  Feelings are facts, facts don't matter.  Never try to argue facts.  Remember you are dealing with an emotionally disabled adult who lacks certain skills and  perspective. 

Again, it's often not about anything you have or haven't done - they feel crappy inside a lot of the time.  Sometimes, they pick fights so they can retroactively blame you for being angry in the first place, sometimes they pick fights because they can't process anger any other way. 

[bananas2]

Plastic -
I often have problems too with BPDh misconstruing my tone when we text. Unfortunately we have to text rather than call bc of the nature of his work (he is often at noisy construction sites).
I believe pwBPD tend to rely heavily on body language, which obviously can't be conveyed thru text.
I love Gray Kitty's suggestion to use emojis to supplement the words. Going to try that myself. Frankly, I find searching for the right emoji time consuming, but I think I'd rather take the extra time to do it if means avoiding a backlash to well-meaning text. 

[Grey Kitty]

It doesn't have to be just emoji's if you can't find the right one or it doesn't exist; there are other ways to add back in the non-verbal cues that were stripped. I'm fortunate(?) to be an ancient geek who was doing online communications for ~35 years, and had to do this before emojis were invented. There were other stone-age techniques that can still be used to good purpose. Here are a few that I found in my texting / chat apps in the last week or two. (not counting emoji)

<whistling>

<grin>

*snort*

Grrrrrrr

And I just realized that most all these were stand-alone statements in an exchange, without "words" they were adding to.

And one friend and I had an ongoing conversation lamenting the fact that the new-ish eyeroll emoji didn't work on her phone, and how we could fill that gap!

OK, looks like I try to find ways to express humor rather than sincerity this way... .and no, the people I'm communicating with don't have BPD either, so it isn't a minefield... .but whatever, there are lots of ways if you are creative. See what works for you, and all the better if you can have fun with it!

[isilme]

I just post cat pics

[cubicinch]

I had this constantly with text messages, she just didnt seem to know how to apply her brain to process them in the normal way. Any loving stuff I would send would be turned around such as: have you been on the vino again? It's like she almost looked for hidden meanings or twisted stuff around to suit her way of thinking. Even speaking face to face which didn't happen often because she just couldn't cope with facing up to things, she would need to have everything explained to her quite thoroughly and slowly, and no eye contact, she would stare away, upwards into space, her brain trying to process the information.

[Grey Kitty]

Any loving stuff I would send would be turned around such as: have you been on the vino again? It's like she almost looked for hidden meanings or twisted stuff around to suit her way of thinking.

Scratch almost. It is exactly what she was doing, although I doubt she realized she was.

The problem is this: She doesn't believe she is a good, lovable person. So if you tell her you love her, that is in conflict with her feelings. And those feelings win, so she has to twist things around so that they match her feelings. That's what you get.

So for her specifically, I'd avoid sweet nothings or loving reassurances by text.

[PlasticOno]

Taking notes thank u a ll

[cubicinch]

Scratch almost. It is exactly what she was doing, although I doubt she realized she was.

The problem is this: She doesn't believe she is a good, lovable person. So if you tell her you love her, that is in conflict with her feelings. And those feelings win, so she has to twist things around so that they match her feelings. That's what you get.

So for her specifically, I'd avoid sweet nothings or loving reassurances by text.

agree, I think she never had enough love as a child, dysfunctional family. Developed coping strategy like you said, coupled with massive insecurity, what's left is a barrier that you can't break down... they are too afraid to expose themselves. She would want messages to say Im thinking about her etc etc, but when you give them, they are not accepted. It's too late for me and her I'm afraid, as she has now stopped speaking and the last text was that she feels she doesn't need me. You have to take a step back, you did all you could, and accept if it did carry on, she would keep repeating the behaviour patterns. It is her terms, and when that risk of exposure of her darkest insecurities looms, she will shut me out cold again. It's a sad state of affairs, you want that person that's trapped inside, but its almost like a stalemate situation and you have to get on with looking after your self. 

[Freakedout66]

My experience is that texting is a recipe for disaster.  My BPD girlfriend had an odd aversion to talking on the phone; she claims a prior boyfriend didn't like her calling.  It became a big issue for me because I was doing all of the calling.  She is a texter and having BPD she often focused on what she perceived was a negative in a text.  Or she raged in her texts.  I asked repeatedly that she not deal with relationship or emotional issues by text because they always resulted in an argument.  I sent her a nice text agreeing how something someone else said would bother her.  I thought I was being supportive.  It ended up in a barrage of texts accusing me of using her for sex and that I didn't know how to be vulnerable in a relationship.  My only response was "huh?"  I was speechless.  If you can set a boundary on the use of texts it will be helpful.  Personal conversations or phone calls let the other person see your face, hear your voice inflections, and see your body language.  It also helps remind you that there is an actual human being on the other end of the conversation.  Texting is an easy way to avoid responsibility.  Even using Facetime is better than texting.